Summer Fashing

Ive been feeling a bit festive with my fashion. I DEF dont mean red and green festivness. I mean more or less ive had some cool ideas recently. And more then ever Im not scared to crack it out.

I really wanna start attaching photos to this blog. Just gotta get my ish sorted with a cam.

Im ready to go extreme with my hair aswell. I get excited.

Ive been wearing alot of heels recently. Been building up my stamina. Its been fun. Sometimes I feel a bit too glam, but then why do I care? Who sets the bench mark? for me , its me. Kapesh? cool. I found some good inspiration recently too, so that helps.

Been getting my grind on with planning this US trip too. Im flying out sooner then expected. July/Aug. Gone for three months. I fly from Wellington to Auckland. Where I meet my cousin, then from Auckland to LA. Where I will spend a week. From there, I will fly to New York. Be based there mostly. I am doing a "tiki tour" of the south. HEY HEY YA'LL. So excited. This includes; Georgia, New Orleans, Miami and Texas. We are also going for a weekend in Vegas at some stage also.

Im beyond excited, but im also SO anxious, nervous, sad, happy gaahhhhh everything.

All these questions me and my cousin have been throwing at each other, do I go back to melbourne with her to wrap up her life there after and spend a month there? Or come home? What happens if we meet the love of our lives before we leave? Do we still go. UMMM, yes. That was the answer. They will wait, and if not, obviously we wernt worth it, therefore fuck off. Basically. Will we marry for a green card? Yet again, the answer is yes. We would be crazy not too, you know? What if we meet someone over there??

Im mostly excited to see the world, and meet new people. I want to make as much friends as possible. Which hopefully will be made easy on this bus tiki tour. I wont call it a tiki tour though, cos no one will have the slightest clue as to what im talking about.

I really want to try and get tickets to go and see chelsea lately. Would be so rad.

I have to save $12k in 7months. That is a scary scary number. We have an appointment with the US embassy shortly to ask more questions around our visa waiver, and if thats the best option for us.

Im moving out of my house soon also . The lease ends. Luckily ive landed myself a fairly sweet deal. Only thing is, I will be living a few minutes out of town. But its cheaper, nicer, and convenient. I dont have to go on a lease, so can leave whenever, no bond etc. And its with someone I know. So its allllll goods.

So much going on. So much to look foward too. So little time here.

ex oh ex oh gossip gal.

Summertime in the LBC

I have had SUCH a good time recently. I really have. No complaints at all. Actually one, I am looking after my Dads house at the moment, while there away in Tauranga (I join them soon YUSSSS), and the fucking Animals follow me everywhere. The dog follows me to the bathroom, watches me get changed, the kitchen, laundry freaking everywhere. She has seperation anxiety or something. Its real annoying having a shadow. Is that what its like to have a kid? But apart from that, so much fun.
Between me, my cousin and my friend we have had three massive houses to ourselves. So we have been switching between them. We have been eating amazing food, drinking wine, and sitting on the balconies in the sun.
Theres four of us who grew up together right, Anyway 3 of us drove up to castle point to see the other who is up there for a beach mission. It was so much fun. It was quite a nice day, we had amazing music, endless "would you rathers" ( some REAL nasty ones too), random stops ( I had to vom at one point), then we got to castle point (after what seemed FOREVER), and saw this girl. It was real cool, cos our brothers were there too, and we went for a walk from the campsite to the local "resturant" and had some lunch, then we went on the sandunes. They were quite high, and let me tell you something, if you ran up that shit like 10 times a day, you would be so fit and toned. Anyway, there were these real estate for sale signs sitting on the hill. Pre made with Rope through certian parts of the board, and we were like "that is us", we climbed to the top. We went down about 3 times, and double teamed it etc. I felt like a child again. And then we went and got an ice cream and went to the surfers beach and went for a drive on the beach then headed home. I felt a true appreciation for NZ. Which only ever comes in waves.
It was also just completely amazing to hang out with the awesome foursome. Im sure everyone has an awesome foursome, but mines the best. It was so funny, fun and for me, is what summers about. Got my girls, Got my beach, Got my view fucking master.

Had some goodtimes catching up with friends that I havnt in a while too. Ive also had some good alone time. I think one thing ive realised about myself, is that I always love alone time, but I love to be around people. And I think lately ive got a good feel for when I need to be by myself. Ive listened to the cravings. Where as previously I would just push that aside and hang out with people, but would find myself getting pissed off. I think this is a good thing for me, just recongnising what I need.

Been out a few times too. I went out on Sunday night, and eff me, I was sooo hung over on Monday. My cousin came over and I was so grumpy, incoheriant, and just a real hot mess. I couldnt eat, couldnt even hold down water. Gross. Gross. Gross. But it was quite a fun night. I had this guy ask me if he could buy me a drink, and i was like "Yeah, sure. But I want Sangria. A whole Jug" He agreed. And handed over the $29.00. SUCKKKKA. Shouldnt be so mean, but he was annoying.
Im finding it kinda difficult at the moment to not slip back into a certain stage in my life. Not because anythings happened or anything. I guess with my cousin being back, we get up to mischeif. And thats what we have always been like. And I think last summer it was kinda bad. Im being vague I realise. Ok, frankly, we would destroy boys. Dating like no bodies business, using people for free drinks, also sexually as well. I mean dont get me wrong, it was HELLA fun. And it still could be. But I guess, I just dont overly wanna go down that path. Actually im open to the dates and drinks, but not the sex. Im just trying to kick my self control into overdrive. I think its because Im so used to going out with boys, who wouldnt allow that, or my ex boyfriend, that I just wanna go crazy now that my main girls here. SO hell no, gotta get a grip!

Anyway this blogs getting hellllllla long. Im going to post another.

New Beginnings

I certainly feel like I need one.
To think a year ago, the position I was in. I was still at the job Im in, I was living in a different apartment, and I still had predominantly the same friends. And I wonder what have I accomplished this year. I went to Gold Coast and visited my Mum who I hadnt seen in 7 years, which was quite an emotional / life changing thing in itself. I also went to Melbourne after that, and lived in my cousins world for a week, which I had heard so much about, and I made some friends there for the 5days I was there. I wanted to move to melbourne, then decided against. I have become alot closer with my family, we have always been close but this year has really stod out for me. My Papa has been sick (below post).Ive met some new people. Ive let walls down and people in.Ive not put on or lost 1kg. Ive moved into a new place. I bought a Mac. I had my wisdom teeth out. Ive cut people out of my life. Ive made a plan to live in NY for 3months with my cousin in 2011.
So yeah, Then im like WOW alot can happen in a year. I mean If you think that one second can change your life, how much ability does a year hold to do the same?
You can tell im starting to be optomistic about it. Lame, annoying, cool ? maybe.
I usually get super super down around this time. I think because I have a sivere issue with feeling like im trapped. I hate that feeling of everyone else moving foward, and me staying still. I do battle with this constantly. I also battle with doing nothing about it. Motivation do something is I find hard. Its fine me doing stuff for other people, but when it comes to sorting out my own stuff im shit at it. SO alot to work on.
My aim at this point in time is to really better myself as a person. To be a better friend, to be a better sister, cousin , daughter and grandaughter. To do things for people who will appreciate it. To do things without the expectation of anything in return. I want to be debt free (minus my student loan UGH yuck). To be more independant. To make more time for my friends. To have a job change. To Grow my hair (only on one side though), maybe go blonde. Sell my Car. Meet people who inspire me to be a better person. Get fit, and quit smoking ( Arnt these everyones?). To find something im passionate about that I seek to do to make me happy. To experience more culture. To go on more Roadtrips. Meet someone famous. Go to as many concerts/gigs as possible. To get a new cell phone and pay myself off my contract (PREPAID BOOOY), Visit my mum again. Pay a visit to my gran. Get married and have 3 children (joking).

I think thats enough.
But yeah ,Im feeling excited. I feel in the last little while, Ive lost who I was a bit. Also , struggled to think about what makes me happy . truely happy. content etc. So I realised somethings gotta change. Im looking foward to this next month or so to kinda get that back. Figure out where Im going, and get there.

Papa

There are so many fond memories I have of our relationship. I have never met a more respected, loyal, unjudgemental, forgiving, kind, patient man. A complete example for people. I would love to have your chararistics. I dont know any Grandad who has done the things that you have done for me. You have created an amazing family for everyone to enjoy.
I will miss the sunday lunches that we have every week at your house. I love how you used to play hide and seek with me , even though I was ALWAYS the one hiding, and this would go on for hours. And you pretended not to know where I was even though I was hiding in the cupboard giggling pretty loudley. I remember you potty training me, with that dog potty that all of us grandkids used. I remember helping you doing the gardening. I remember washing your car just so I could get $5. Which is far too much to wash a car. The endless lollies and chocolate biscuits you supplied us with . The stories you used to read us. Sitting on your lap and looking at "wheres wally" for hours on end. You used to play "riding the bike" with me, where I would lie on the ground and you would grab my legs, and start out slowly, then when we got the the down hill, my legs where everywhere because the bike was going so fast. I remember when we went to see Nana at the funeral home, It was just me and you, and you hadnt seen her dead body yet. And we stod in that room and just cried together. The way you used to pat my horse was halerious. When you used to brush the boys hair, it was always a comb over. When you and Nana would go to Australia every year, you would always bring us back the most amazing presents, like a Crystal dolphin? That was my favourite. The card and the Cheque every year you give us for christmas and birthdays. Your ability to eat food when its past its used by date and never get sick, is incredible. I love the way you tell stories. When you told me that woman should be treated with nothing but respect. When you told us about your first kiss with Nana, your face lit up and you said that after you kissed her you skipped all the way home. That made me believe in love. You stod by Nana even though she was crazy. If I need to be driven somewhere, you are always there. You invented the "special sandwhich" which is just ham, lettuce and tomato. You also invented the Cocoa pops and ice-cream combo which we would have at your house for breakfast. I love watching you watch 'Americas funniest home videos' , the way you laugh at it. That time when we were just sitting in the lounge and you randomly turned to Daniel and said "what? you want a smack?" and us just staring at you wondering if you were being serious because daniel didnt do anything and then you started laughing. It clarified where the root of weirdness comes from in our family. The day I said to you when I was about 7years old "Papa, when you die, can I have your red fishing rod?" and you agreeing. The one time you smacked me, I was so shocked, and I cried for about an hour. I was mostly upset that I had made you angry enough to do that. When I was little and I would call you "Puppy" and I thought I was SOO funny. You were a good enough Cricket and Rugby player to play for a living. But you selflessly chose the life of a pastor instead. The amount of times you have financially bailed me out is crazy. The way you ALWAYS open my mail, theres no such thing as privacy with you. You came to court with me, and helped fight a fight that I then lost. When we were young, we used to ask you to take out your false teeth, and you would do it, then growl, and we would run away screaming because we were scared,and we would come back and ask you to do it again. " show us your legs Papa, show us your legs" you would then reveal how white your legs were, and we would roll around on the ground laughing. When you would talk me through and help me deal with the complication around my parents split, and the lack of my mum in my life, you would always start sobbing at the pain that I was experiencing. When you had a heartattack, I remember all of us grandchildren sitting on the beach praying for you to be ok, while the parents were in the hospital with you. When we went to see you, you were as high as a kite, and told me there was a nice young doctor and the hospital for me. The Bond that you have and have always had with Daniel. I remember when we left that hospital he burst uncontrollabley into tears, and he didnt even want to go and see you because it was too sad for him to see you like that. The fishing trips. Every holidays you would take us to toyworld and we were allowed a toy each. You would also take us to Te papa and we were allowed to go one one of the rides. Your driving is so scary, you think indicating is optional, and when people toot you say "Drivers these days are so angry, everyone is in such a rush, and is straight to there horn", i am hiding my head in shame. When you would take us down to the airport, and we would pull over below the runway and lie on the bonnet of the car, and watch the planes fly over our head. How you have your coffee black, no sugar. Your love for cheese. At christmas time its always your responsibility to bring the pre lunch snacks, and its always nuts. You make the best mince. When you were talking to me about one of your round the world trips, you said to me that you can see me in New York, and that I will love it. I hoped and still do that you would be the one to conduct my wedding. There is nothing more that I would like. There are so many memories, that I will never ever forget. And for that, Thank you for richly blessing me. I love and appreciate you beyond these words.

Fruit Salad

The title of this blog, is abosloutely how I am feeling right now.
I feel sooooo excited and happy for the following reasons:
- My cousin Abi is back from Melbs for the summer
- christmas
-New Years
- Holiday in tauranga
- Figuring out what Im doing for the year
-My other cousin from Melbourne arrives soon

Then I am completely overwhelmed with sadness right now.
My Papa (grandad), has been having alot of health issues at the moment. He is just about 82years of age. In the last month he has had two doses of pneumonia and he still isnt right. He went in for a cat scan , and they found something on his lungs, with the possibility its a tumor. He now has to go to have a biopsy. I think its really made our family wonder how we will cope in his death. No one has a good feeling about this, and even if this isnt what takes him, we are wondering when something does, how will we get past this as a family? I have no doubt, and complete and utter faith in the stregnth that my family has. But alot of it comes from our rock, which is him. He literally is the thing that holds this family together, so how when thats taken away will we restructure our family. When my Dad became a single parent, He was literally my second Dad. He was there for sick days, Sports Games, He would come over on thursday nights while my Dad went super market shopping, school holidays were spent with him etc. So many memories. My Dad wrote him a letter yesturday. My Dads wife was the only one to read it, and she broke down reading it. I read it/ found it on the computer. It was two pages long, but took me 30mins to read it. I had to keep stopping to cry. It said some beautiful things in there. Like how he is my Dads best friend, and what is he to do when the person who he can tell anything too leaves this world? and how that he has been a second Dad to us, and that when my Dad was too busy or tired to play with us children, that he was always there playing one on one hide and seek (I was always the one hiding, of course), and how he toilet trained all of us. I remember when we used to sleep at his house, we would also sleep in the spare bed in his bedroom. I would constantly the wake him up in the middle of the night because he would snore, and id make him put his "nose thing" in. He never got angry at me, or made me go to another room to sleep. He is the most patient person I Have ever met. And I guess thats causing me to write my own letter. I dont feel brave enough to give it to him in person yet. So I will write it here.

Good Times

Im Joking, Im quite pissed off. Theres a particular issue that has been bothering me forever. It comes and goes. Me and this boy have been fighting like nobodies business this week. Funny thing, is its the SAME fucking issues that we used to fight over when we were together. I used to always be the one who said sorry. Even if deep down , it was still bothering me and I felt that I wasnt the one to blame. Im tired of it. It reaaaalllllly bothers me.

Every guy that I have ever had feelings for, has lied to me. So I know when I see it/hear it. Maybe I am a fool for letting someone get away with it once, because I guess it encourages people to be reoffenders. Maybe I gave someone the bennefit of the doubt too many times and for that, yes I feel like an idiot . Theres no real bennefit, in knowing but never acting on the knowledge. Meaning, I knew that person was lying to me when they were, and didnt say anything.
I would react in yes, maybe not the most mature way. As in I wouldnt be like "hey lets sit down and talk about this" but fuck it, im human , and im an emotional person sometimes. I also let things get to the stage where they piss me off so much, that I just let it all out. And I realise that I cannot go throughout life like that , or letting situations get to that point. But I cant help but think, if people stopped taking advantage of what they think is my stupidness and started treating me with respect then I dont believe we would be having this issue.

So this is usually the structure of the fights:
1) commits, lies, and bails and yea.
2) I get pissed off, make a snarky remark , or just am really unemotional ( this is usually via text)
3) It gets annoyed, and might reply, might not. Or it will leave the room.
4) I either chase, or contact ( in the processes feeling like an absolute syco, and repeatedly telling myself why am I doing this, this is not me)
5) we meet up, its akward as fuck, he gets angry at me, I sound like im defending myself but never make a point of saying why Im angry. I just try and climb from the bottom to the top to make things ok again.
6 ) He forgives me, and I think "phew im in the clear"
7) After he leaves, Im left wondering, if what just happened shouldve happened, and that actually that wasnt my fault completely.

That is the fucking general nature of these situations.
Im super over it. And this could very well be the last straw for me. Really over being made to feel sorry, and bad for something that I actually have an issue with .
The thing is , im so fucking annoyed and angry and over this issue, that I dont even know if I would know how to forgive in this situation or where to go from here.

Hes leaving to go to Australia for 3 weeks tommorrow so prolly wont even see him. Ideally would like to sort this shit before it goes, but ive tried contacting , and thats always my role. Im over that. Then I go on holiday for a week. So Merry Christmas and Happy fucking new year.

Split In Two

This weeks annoying and its Monday.. I know I shouldnt speak that over a particular day/time/week or whatever and I shouldnt wish my days away, but I kinda am this week.
Ive been in a weird weird mood yesturday and today. Im tired, yes. But im also just over it. I can kinda feel this bad attitude within in me, and I really need to kick it. I also feel so wound up by the littlest things. I hate feeling like im running people around, kinda feel like ive been that way lately. I also feel like im always there for people, yet I dont feel I get the same back. I feel like I just want my own space, yet I kinda want someone there. Im obviously just being ridiculous.
I think its better that I just spend most of the week by myself.

Ive been thinking alot about my situations. Yet I havnt come to any conclusions. I really dont know what to do. Or even ultimately how I feel . Im being general because I just go around in circles when im being specific.

theres other reasons as to why Im not being specific. Im a bit of a mess at the moment, should stay away from this thing, I just sound mental.

Hormones

Mine are honestly raging at the moment.
Im so angry and then upset, Im getting hot and cold flushes. I go from wanting cuddles, to wanting to kill someone. Its ridiculous. How the fuck do you control this stuff????
I honestly feel like its a drug and its completely uncontrollable. Ive been fighting back (trying too) these emotions alllllll day because Im at work. I hate myself when Im in these moods.
People think its better to back away, and too leave me alone etc. But thats probs the worse thing someone can do, because I take it VERY personally. And It makes me hate you.

Ive got so much stuff to do this weekend. And I just want a weekend where I have nothing. I like being busy, but not being busy with things that I dont want to do. Im toying up as to whether I go home to hang with the fam, Just go home to my flat and sleep (although on the weekend, this never happens due to dumb noise), try and hustle up some friends to hang out with and do activities that are free. But I honestly just think I will be in the weirdest mood. I think I will head out to the fams house. My Dad knows how to handle me when I start crying and am all emotional. Hes great. Because Im basically a big time bitch.

Im getting my wisdom teeth ripped out next week. fuuuuuccckkkkking amazing times to be had. REALLY not about this. Needs to be done, but just counting down the days until a day where you know your going to be in pain? soooo annoying.

fark miiiiiii llllyyyyyffffeeeeee.

Full

My brain is honestly packed. I have so much on my mind at the moment. Im getting terrible sleep majority of the nights. Just fecking exhausted really. Theres a few things bothering me, and things that I want to talk to people about. I just cant while im in this mind frame. Especially because I really dont know what Im seeking by having these conversations. I just dont wanna make any rash choices whilst in this hot mess.
Everything from Finances to my like life to my flat life is bugging/on my mind at the moment.
V. Annoying.

Remember the time?

I remember when I met you I thought you were the hottest thing I had seen.
Then you txt me asking to see me again, and you made me nervous.
Petone will always remind me of you.
You were the ideal handbag to carry around, always getting compliments on your looks.
I hated your jealousy and rage.
You bought up babies with me way too soon. Although they wouldve been cute, like you said.
When I first saw you naked, my jaw dropped. Your body was flawless.
You wanted to take me overseas with you.
You were a dreamer, and so was I . But I was dreaming if I thought we would ever work.
You couldnt keep your hands off me.
You ended up repulsing me, and then I dumped your ass at the top of mt vic. And you keep texting me almost hourly for the next two weeks after that? I remember that time.

I remember when I met you, I was into your friend .
You were all tattooed up, and looked like you were all in a band or you guys were old school skaters.
I went bathroom in front of you, and you were impressed, you said I was unlike any other girl you had met.
You wanted me to stay with you, but I said I wasnt boning you.
You were a bit akward, and not a very good kisser.
You were also white, which was weird for me.
Every night you would ask me to stay over.
I remember the way you would stroke my back when I was sitting naked at the end of your bed.
You had sivere issues with your called off engagement.
Your paintings were pretty good.
I loved your tattoo sleeve.
I said it wouldnt be a good idea for us to continue because of the issues, you said you were willing to work through them if I was.
I said no. I remember that time.

When I first met you, I didnt even care to notice you.
The second time I met you, you got my number.
My friends hated you from get go.
I was impressed by your dress sense , also your music and fashion knowledge.
You had huge dreams, but no practicality.
You were like a big little kid.
I thought it was cute that you had candy bars in your glove box.
I remember when you were on my cross trainer with a helmet and in your undies, I thought you were weird.
You were the best person thats ever spooned me.
You made me feel safe when I was around you.
I loved how you told me that I was the most well dressed girl in Wellington.
Up at the prison that time, when you said that you would die instead of me.
You never hesitated to introduce me to your Mum.
Id hear from you non-stop for a month, then nothing at all for two weeks.
You would show up at my house, tap on my window and sneek into my window so my Papa wouldnt hear.
When I was hung over, you would get me anything I wanted, but I wouldnt even touch it.
You slept with my friend behind my back.
You also said that you use "bitches" , but would never do that too me. But you did.
And that time I saw you hooking up with a girl right in front of my face? And then I quit you? Yeah..... I remember that time.
When I first met you, I didnt really know what I thought of you.
You text me the next day, and I still have that messege.
You had your hand on my leg one time, and told me you were sorta seeing someone.
I remember I removed your hand. I backed off.
You text me a month later, asking to hang out. I accepted.
At our first "hang out", I came away just thinking it would be a friendship. That was ok with me.
I remember when you first kissed me, but you wouldnt. You were drunk.
Things were up and down back and fourth for quite sometime after that.
You have super gentle eyes.
You are well dressed , attractive and smart.
I remember when I would put jellybeans in your mouth and you would have to guess the flavour.
Everything is banter between us.
I like holding your hand, and kissing you the most out of the past.
I was comfortable around you, but became someone I wasnt emotionally.
I wish I could turn back time.
Like when we drove to the beach and you told me you didnt want to be with me anymore.
I remember that time.

unbelievable

"Rejected at birth by her mother, she battled bone cancer as a toddler, had a leg amputated aged five, lost her hearing during chemotherapy and at eight was uprooted from her home in Queensland to North Carolina so her father could be with a woman he met on the internet" Both her Dad and Her Dads GF are suspects of her murder.

This story that is about a little girl named Zahra is crazy. That poor little girl. Honestly, how much can one person take. Firstly, I mean I get that her Mum would be upset, but she basically gave her little child away at birth to the Dad, who then after she got cancer, lost a leg, and her hearing was shifted to a foreign country so he could pursue his internet girlfriend. Ummmm , Maybe stop being selfish motherfuckers, you have a child. She went missing. The police found her prostetic leg, and her hearing aid and have since found one of her bones. So not only was she murdered , she was absolutely butchered. Apparently the GF has been arrested for forging a fake ransom note. This is where I am soooo pro death penalty. I can only hope that North Carolina apply this law. No one deserves a second chance if you are capable of this. If that was my child, I would literally commit a murder myself, Riiiiight on that person who took my babies life. Its just so sad. So sad. Ugh, my heart actually feels heavy thinking about this, and I feel like I could cry over it. I know that sad shit happens daily/hourly/minutely, but gees this story is really awful. It just sounds like no one was willing to make this little girl a priority. It makes me wish I couldve grabbed her and hugged her and made her feel safe and made her my priority. Children need that. To feel safe and loved. I want to punch the dad in the face, the mum in the vagina and the rest of her family in the stomache.
It makes me want to just go home to my families house and cuddle my sibilings.

Thats enough for now, this is too awful for words.

Blind As A Bat

Im not really. If at all. But im going on a blind date.
WEIRD. Am being set up by someone I know. Kinda hesitant. I love dating though. Like its so akward, and I honestly dont think you get to know someone properly for quite sometime. But you get the general gist I guess. Ive never wanted to go on a second date with anyone that Ive been on a date with. I dont know why I like it then. I just think its fun and exciting having a crush.
Hes 22, a professional , nearly 6ft, part Maori, funny. These are all "apparentlies" though. I shall be the judge of these things. haha. I saw a photo, cute..
I almost cringe when I think about someone new comming onto the scene. Cos lord, my friends are so weird and full on. Mind you, If that person can handle me, surely they can handle more people like me right? maybbbbbbbbbbes not. Anyway, Just a date.
Am I ready???? Will find out.
My friend is like " I think its just what you need" shes also the friend who encouraged me to bone, and that didnt turn out so great. I think shes just really wanting me to move on to the next. Shes also set me up on a date before, and fuck me, no go. I was like "what the fuck bro?!?!" But im pretty sure this guys more of a keeper then the other. I always get nervous dating a wellingtonian though. Everyone knows everyone. And Im scared he either knows someone ive boned, or someone I hate, or someone who hates me... oh well. Guess ill find out in time. I said I would rather not go on a "Date date" cos its ... yeah.. I dunno, Id like to meet him first and decide from there. Hes apparently going to be given my number soon, which will work out amazing, cos I have no credit. But I said to my friend to just give it to him, and if he txts me, then thats a good thing. I dont have to txt back . Gawsh, rude... haha.
Im going to go home, have dinner, facebook stalk him, and watch Jersey Shore. haha.

Grinding my bones

And not in a sexual way. I literally am livid. Im so fucking angry. I could literally kill a man right now. The littlest things bother me at the moment. Maybe I am extremely tired.

Firstly, I hate how people have the ability to disappoint you. They are not put in my life to do that. I know its human nature and the amount of disappoint I allow myself to feel is up to me. But sometimes im just like COMMON?!?! are you joking?

one) My flat mates are currently FUCKING me off. From stealing things from my room (AKA using my laptop when i have NOT deemed it) , to stealing food and flat out denying it, to being all about parties and then fucking off to go have sex with someone, to not even showing up at all. Honestly, I see why people live alone. I wanna be in my own place. Its soooo annoying.

ACtually thats pretty much all im fucked off about.

On the mind

A few things that are bothering me. I really didnt think or know if this was ever going too, but it kind of is.

Basically, me and my ex have been hanging out a bit. And its super fun. I totally enjoy his company. I have my moments I guess. I have those moments where Im like 'yeah I can so do this friends only thing' and thats all I will see him as. Then I will have those moments where im like 'maybe this isnt a good idea'. I think the reason I feel both these ways is because I feel up and down ,back and fourth as to whether or not I am over him. I feel that everytime I go to touch him, I am completely aware of how I am touching him. We are both playful towards each other, and the banter has never stopped, which is nice, then whats banter and whats flirting? It is both of our humor types, I dont feel I have that kinda banter with my other friends though.
Then when we get drunk, Its a whole other story. And I really dont mean to read into things when people are drunk, and I tend not too do this with him. And It hasnt affected me up until now. But honestly, we are still kissing etc when drunk, then the next day, its like a switch has been flicked. I feel like he becomes almost cold towards me and I can kinda feel his regret/wanting to make a point that it was just a drunken thing and we are still very much friends.. Its silent yes, but also kinda loud. I guess that side of it hurts a bit. Im not sitting here saying that I completely know what I want, and its him, or its not him, I dont know, I really dont know. I do know that I like certian aspects of how things are, and there are certain things that I find uncomfortable. Maybe I do miss the affection from him, And so when we get drunk ,its nice, and then the next day its taken away. I do like him as a person, not just the affection. Then there is also the fact that I feel like I fucked up the relationship. I feel like I became a person who I most definitly am not. I dont think I would make that mistake again. This isnt a "take me back" plea. I wont ever do that. I wont convince anyone to do that. But sidenote, if things were to go back on, it would be a different relationship. I would be different. I wouldnt tell him this, because it would come across like im justifying it. Which I dont wanna be doing. Just me knowing is enough for whoever puts a ring on it next.

I havent talked to anyone about this. Actually no one. I havnt really said how its making me feel, because It hasnt bothered me, and I wouldnt call it a bother. Its just on my end, Its just hard to switch from one to the other in a matter of hours. I mean obviously my friends can see whats going on, because they can see us kissing, but if my friends bring it up with me, Im just like "meh I dont really care right now" and they leave it. I have a couple of friends who are wishing that things would work out for us both. Not that it really matters, peoples opinions and what not, because there not in it.
I feel like a huge hypocrite. I have hooked up with someone else, yet I would be pretty gutted if he did. I guess its because I did it, and I dont want to do it again. Not that it is the choice that he should make to not do anything with anyone, I just know that it would upset me heaps. Which goes back to the point if I am over it or not.

All a bit messy and up in the air at the moment. I dont feel like its anything I want to discuss with anyone to be honest. Not even him. I dont think its anything me or him can promise not too do, like not to be affectionate towards each other when we are drunk, because where drunk and theres not really any reasoning with drunk situations. So I guess its just a day by day thing. I do miss kisses being on tap. I think I like that part of a relationship alot.

Thats all for now I guess.

Concrete Jungle Where My Dreams Are Made Of..

NEW YORKUS.

I am going there next year. Got to start saving.
I really dont know how long I will be going for. Or where Ill be living. Or even how to get a fucking Visa. I will learn SO much from this process. Im going with my cousin. Shes finished her photography Degree and we are off on an adventure. I cannot wait. Probs going to go for about 2-3months over Summer time (NZ summer, NY winter) . White Christmas, hopefully.
Shes got some contacts in NY and just emailed to tell me shes got another one with someone who is the head of a design company there. HOLLA. So cool . Im such a proud cousin. I will probley be a hospo bitch, or a prostitute or something classy like that. Because lets be honest, those reallllly are the only options. Or maybe ill hit up my gals Kim and Kourt and see if I can get a job doing ANYTHING at Dash NY. Or Maybe Jay-Z and see if he needs someone to polish his shoes hourly. Clearly, the oppertunities are endless in NY. And Im assuming the moment I land in the US, I will meet famous people, and therefore become famous myself.
I wanna go to a baseball game, a basketball game, I want to see black people, I want to have a NY hotdog and Pizza, I want to drink cidar in central park, I want to go to underground Jazz clubs, I wanna catch the ferry everywhere, I wanna hail a cab, stand in time square, go to art galleries, Statue of liberty, go visit Jersey (apparently its a shiiiiiit hole according to Chelsea lately, but maybe for a day trip, pretend im on Jersey shore?), defs take a trip to the ATL, LA , Miami and Vegas. Its a MUUUUUSSSST. I also want to make as many friends as possible, play chess on the streets in Queens (safety depending), Find little dingey/rad/odd places and make them my regular whatever, go to madison square garden , go to a concert, watch a broadway show, find the best coffee in the city, read the NY times over breakfast, go to a fashion show, ........... The list could go . Im so thrilled. Its basically a huggggge part of my life that im looking foward too. SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! YIP.

Babies.

I dont want them anytime v.soon. But hopefully its on the agenda in the next 5 years. And if I got preggos right now, I would cry non stop. WRAP IT UP PEOPLE!!
But I do find myself getting clucky.
I have most of my thoughts when I am lying in bed a night, Sitting on the bus alone listening to music thinking im on 8mile or something, Or just generally chilling by myself.
I got thinking the other night, the things that I would do with my baby when God gives me one. I remember what my Mum used to do with me, and theres a few things that I will most definitly do with my child. Most of them dont even involve money. Im probs going to be a reeeaaaalllll crazy Mum. They will always want to go to there friends house, rather then there friends come to ours. haha. BUT they are the following:

- Go to a park and feed the ducks (Hates birds, but for dont want to pass this onto the child... )
- Have picnics on the beach and build sandcastles
- Go for drives and just pick a song that both me and my child know, and just drive around and sing REAAAALLLLY loudley and toot the horn at randoms (When I drive around roundabouts, I will continue to go around and around and around and around)
- Go to the library and read books together
- Star Gaze, and make up what the stars look like, then have my child tell me a story around what they are seeing.
- Do ALOT of puzzles.
- Have my child (IF its a girl) do my hair and make up and we will play dress ups and have a tea party,bake and make jewllery out of pasta and be fabulous together.
- Probs get there ears peirced behind my partners back.
- Go to the toy library.
- Visit the grandparents on both sides as much as possible
- Do gardening together
- Build forts out of sheets and the couches and pretend where camping.
- Play with pretend instruments and pretend we are in a band. Lights off. Jumping crazy around the house.

these things are like secretly what I want to do every day of my life. But my Mama did a few of these things with me, and it was so much fun.

Immmmm excited. Poor thing.

Sunday Rose

Sunday. Arvo. Fairly Sunny. Im sitting on my bed, the sun is pouring in, and all I want to do is go to sleep. I don't even know why. I had a good 8 hours rest, im just so bored with everything. Ugh, im such a complainer at the moment. And I know that life isn't all that bad. I just generally speaking find sundays the most bitter sweet day of the week. Biblically, its the first day of the week. Its the end of the weekend, so gutted -reality tomorrow.

Its also couple effin central up in this mother.

I have always found Sundays THE most lonely day of the week. I love part of my ritual on a Sunday, our family lunches. Then the fam goes off and do there own thing, and im just like hmmm... what do I do with myself? I usually come home, tidy my room and just spend some alone time. Which is good for me, but shesh, Ive had a lot of one on one time with myself lately. Maybe I need some new friends. I would say that if I had more money come a non pay week sunday, I would have more freedom. But what would I even do with my paper?? honestly. I love Wellington, but sometimes/most of the time its boring.

And you know how like it dosnt matter where you are in the world if you have your friends and family its fine? Don't feel like that right now. Its got me weighing up the good and the bad in my life, what needs to go, what needs to stay. I honestly, don't have time to be bothered with a lot of people in my life at the moment. I feel pretty bad having this bitch and whine. But if im going to be completely honest, I still very much feel like I do in the below post.

Im tired of just drinking with my friends etc etc. Im really over it. But alas, there is occasions coming up that cause me to continue to ride this annoying roller coaster. I drunk once this weekend, and I was in bed around 12. I was so hung over yesterday I thought I was going to throw up my stomach. I couldn't even hold down water. It was terrible.

But any way, I guess I just want someone to be like "Lets go over to the Wairarapa for the day?", "Lets go find some random paddock and lie in it" . I feel like if anyone was to suggest these things, its me. And then I just have to deal with whoever is down or not. AKA wait for people to bail. Its fucking exhausting. And I just get so disappointed.

Like for example, just got a txt from my friend who said that she was at a photo exhibition, I would have been totally down. But didn't get an invite. And she would be the first person to get pissed off if I had an amazing idea and left her out. See my annoyance? How much can one person take. I think from here on out, Im not going to suggest anything. Maybe just leave it and see how long it takes for someone to initiate something and include me.

Don't mean to feel all sorry for me, but I take it personally. Maybe I am emotionally immature in this sense. And I shouldn't take things personally, but I really don't know how not too.

I take it personally in the sense that it really makes me question the value that I have in these peoples lives. I mean I don't want anyone to bow down to me, and have it be all about me, I just don't like feeling like Ive been taken advantage of. I feel/hope I contribute to people and the friendships I have. I like to make my friends lives easier for them, but I feel in doing that, it truly makes mine a lot harder. Is that part of it?

Just definitely feel like if I made no effort no one would. period.

Temporary situation

Got one on my hands.

So this is my week off. What have I been doing? Ummmmm suffering. I've had some teeth issues, stomach issues and have spent part of my week at A and E and mostly at the dentist. I did get to hang out with my sister, get some good sleep in, hang out with my papa, tidy up my room and catch up with one or two people for coffee. Most of today I spent at home, and it was good. But a bit boring. Went to have coffee with someone, then picked someone up from work, and now im back home. I've died my hair, shaved my head etc. I just have the ickiest feeling inside me. Like I feel kinda sad. I don't really know why, My teeth have literally been causing me so much grief this week, im pretty dissapointed I spent my days off this way. Not that I could help it. Its just Murphys law. Its so annoying though. Im quite gutted. So maybe my sad moods from this. Maybe its cos im getting my period in the next week (ALWAYS get depressed a week before, fucking hormones), maybe im just allowed to be sad sometimes. I just feel like crying. I NEVER CRY. But im in one of those moods where if I dropped my pen on the floor, id start crying.

I gotta admit I've been feeling kinda lonely lately. Don't know why. Maybe I feel bored with almost all of my current situations. And its not prompted because everyone around me is moving and im stationary. I just feel completely and utterly bored and unsatisfied. I know I am the only one who can change this. But what to do and where to go??? I dunno. And thats kinda gutting, because I love to see that in someone else, they know what there up too. I don't have that right now. I feel like I could just sit in my room for two weeks, not socialize , not contact anyone back, not initiate anything, and no one would say anything.

I love surprises. And I love ideas people. Im both full of ideas (usually, not at the moment), and im the down for anything gal. But lately , i just kinda feel relied on for ideas, and if i don't say anything, nothing happens. And then i do come up with ideas and people bail- hence my below post.

I used to get really lonely. And then I came too. And was completely ok with my own company. I am still ok with my company. But im bored of me. I don't think its the wanting of the opposite sex, I mean that would be nice. To have a guy who wants to spend time with me, and who sees my time as precious and therefore wants to spend it with me. Who has ideas and all I have to do is just show up and I know ill have a good time. Or infact he might just pop around to my house as a surprise. I like this. Not roses and chocolates. I don't overly care for material things, just memories. Tis whole this frustrating. Theres certain things you can make happen, usually its for yourself, and things that you just cant. Its time. I hate time, because theres perfect timing, but hows it perfect??? If where running out of it, why wait? random thought.

I guess I really just wanna feel appreciated. I do not. In all honesty. I feel completely unappreciated for the things I do, for the effort I put into things, for maybe just being me?

I feel people rely on my loyalty too much. They know I love them, and I have a fairly high threshold as to what I will let people get away with and how they treat me. But Ive kinda had enough. Im tired of it. I wanna be noticed too.

Bailers

I honestly fucking hate them. Like its a trait I cannot stand.

It shows unreliability, selfishness and just lack of love or loyalty. Maybe this is a harsh line. But theres those people who you can always count on- and most of the time, there the ones who will be there until the end right?

Then theres those who you don't believe are going to show, until you actually see them face to face at the place/time arranged. Usually if there going to bail, they will have the most whacked out extreme circumstances/ reasons as to why they cant meet. Like " So I was on my way to do this right, and then this bus came along and hit my leg, and I went to the hospital and now its fine but im resting up in bed, but don't come and visit me cos im so tired" Like what the fuck bro? Now your just insulting my intelligence and I do not appreciate this.

Im actually wanting to campaign against bailers. Like full on ready to march my ass to parliament.

Because;

one, your not worth my time and effort if you aren't going to do your end of the deal.

two, your a lier. And you have lost your integrity. I don't wanna know someone like that.

three, who the fuck do you think you are as to be so ignorant as to think I don't have other things I could be doing.

fourthly, I dont trust you. And who do you want to be known as? The person who people can rely on ? Or the person where they have no idea if you are going to show.

Im telling you now, the more you bail on me, the less ill try. Maybe thats what you wanted. But guess what? I can be a bailer too. I will delete your messages when you txt me to arrange something. I will stop. Yeah , It may feel like your missing from my life, but Its easier to go through that once then have to constantly feel disappointed every time I want to hang out with you.

Oh and then I end up being the one apologizing? Because yes, I don't bite my tounge. I will say "Ok then" In response. Like yes, its a woman thing. But yes, Im not impressed. In the slightest and trust me nigger you would rather I say "ok then" then "Ok you unreliable asshole, don't contact me again, how about that? you abandoned our meetings, well I abandon this relationship, because your a pussy bitch who cant pull through", yet when I say "ok then" I get attacked? whaaaaat would you rather???? seriously. Because if you want me to be honest, hey, just say. I have no qualms with saying the truth to its full extent.

Yeah this is a fucking angry post. And yes it may seem like its directed at one person. But it aint. Its directed at a lot of situations that have taken place recently. And it honestly fucks me off. And when i say "bailerS" its plural. Its not just that someone does it once, twice, six times. Its fucking multiple times. Like literally 1 out of fucking 2 times. Thats a stat I just aint fucking happy with.

I don't want people in my life like that. So change is about to take place. Im not trying. Im giving up on that. Because lets be honest, these people have given up also . Or the just lazy liars. EIther way, i don't like either of these people. Im so fucking anggggggrrrrry!!!!

ugh get out of my life. You don't deserve a piece of what im involved in. So suck my dick.

I love Kanye.

I dont know what it is. Ive never been a huge huge huge fan. Like I was a fan. But not like MASS eve. You know? Now I dont know what it is. I find him SO talented. SO sexy. AND I might wanna be his girlfriend. haha. Itll happen. Obviously.
But all his new shit that ive heard, is amazing. I never knew he studied fine arts either (Adds to the attractive factor), and I dont even think hes that good looking. Hes just crazy talented, well dressed and just sexy.
'Runaway' is so beautifully done. At first, I was like "whhhaaaaattttt is this?" , then I watched some interviews of him talking about it, and found out he was an art student, and heard him explain it in more detail, and ive watched it a couple of times since then, and I love it. Im majorly looking foward to his album. Even though Ive downloaded a couple of songs, I wanna buy it. It drops November 22nd. Same with Nicki Minaj's "pink friday". Shes AWESOME. Nothing like a boss bitch.

Fashion wise???

Theres so many things I want , but I either, dont know where to find them , or cannot afford them. Im going to go on a bit of a bargin mission this weekend. Im excited. Ive also got to catch up with a few people (This is always so bitter sweet, weekends being filled with must do's, kinda annoying), Ive got brunch on a boat tomorrow with the girls, Shopping, Coffee date to organise a party, 21st tomorrow night, Shopping, cleaning etc etc. Then monday. uuuuuughghghgghghgh.
Ive got a two day week next week though. Thank heavens!

what else what else what else..... I thought I would discuss stuff that isnt about sex and relationships. hah, bore.

ALTHOUGH (cant help myself) , Mum read my below post about my traumatic boning experience (Ps. Toats have bruises on my body I have to be careful what I wear, so shameful and a GREAT constant reminder of the act- sarcasim), and she was so reassuring. Just that she has been through something similar, and no, it dosnt make things better, and yes, you do wish that you could rewind time.
Sometimes I feel like the worlds stupidest human being. I know its wrong. And I know it dosnt feel good, because ive done it before. But that whole, maybe itll be different this time philosophy is dangerous. Because, yes , maybe. But realistically, no. Like gambling really, Could win, but actually, nah not likely at all. ALSO, was on facebook last just PG chilling out, and this chat pops up. "hey", its from this guy who has ALWAYS had a thing for me the moment I met him, like 2 years ago. He was a friend of the guy I was with. And the moment I became single from him, he chased. Hard. I didnt really like him. Not like that. Just not my type. Dunno why, it would suggest he would be if I described him. Black, well dressed, Tatoos, music industry. But there just wasnt that connection. Well according to him there was, I was like , nah thats def not chemistry, not about it. I tried to convince myself that there was something there. I did sleep with him twice, and he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said no. EK. Ever since then hes still being trying to chase. Not so direct. Just if I saw him, he would be all like "I think your amazing, I dont care if I have a girlfriend, Ive always had a thing for you, and I always will , and If you give me the nod, then thats us, I can picture you as my wifey" Like super intense. Anyway, he moved down south to be with his GF. thank god. And he started talking to me. I asked him how life down there was, he said "its ok, but its not overly what i want", I said that I didnt get it, and he was like "well Ideally it would be living wherever with you" I was like OK clearly your a spastic, and stupid and dont get it. Hes cool, like when hes not being like that. So I said "Im sure you will figure things out and make it work for you, you obviously, otherwise you wouldnt be down there", and from there we just had a normal converstaion. But fucking random alright! I remember whenever I used to go out , my friends would be like "*insert name* is here, need to leave before you get proposed too", constantly jetting from place to place because of him. He treated me well, Like if I was with him, he would be an amazing boyfriend. He definitly knows how to treat woman. Guess thats what you get when you were raised soley by woman and have 1000 sisters. ANY WHO.

Going to see my sissy tonight .Super excited. Shes a babe.

Not Myself Tonight

Last night was pretty full on. I slept with someone. Someone who I shouldnt have. Well, I feel like I shouldnt be sleeping with anyone full stop at the moment. This post is going to be freaking graphic... ugh. what am I up too.
How it all happened?
I had an amazing day at work yesturday. From there, I dont even know. I was like to my flatmate/friend when we were walking home, "feel like boning someone" she was all "DO IT?! Omgosh ive been waiting for this girl to come back, this fun fun girl" , I hestitantly agreed. But was like feck yeah , i can do this. So the same couple of guys that were texting me while I was in a relationship got a messege from me. I have had sex with them both before. One a couple of times. Shit, there both kean. One was avaliable from 8pm, and had work at 10pm, the other was avaliable from 12am. So really? Im doing this ? Im doing two people in one night? Thats preeeettttttyyyyy sick. ANYWAY. Got home, had a shower got all ready etc. The guy that was comming over first was texting me being like "what happened between you and your bf?" I was like dude, what the fuck? where not friends so calm down. Didnt say that word for word. But hes was texting me also being real dirty etc (that shit is disgusting and its like, what are you 12 and wanking off to this? gross), then he was texting me being like "you make me nervous, your so cool, I gotta admit im pretty intimidated by you".... I literally LOLed. Cool? whhhhaaaat. Nervous?? whaaaaat. I was like "Its just me, dont worry" ... while he was texting me non stop, I was just like ughhhh, just shut up and come over, im getting sick of this. I guess this is pretty mean of me, hes still a human with feelings etc. But for me, he was just my object. Not even object of desire. More like object of convenience. Anyway, he came over, we pretty much just went straight to me room and got into it. Weird thing is, within the first 15 mins of it, I wanted out. But you cant just be like "hey can you leave?" when your just getting started. Its rude.
The thing about this guy, he has a massive dick (Actually, this is the only reason I first ever slept with him. Me and my girlfriends had heard about it, and used to joke about it etc. So of course, I had to see it for myself. No lies. Rumors were true. Anything to prove a point (typical me)). Anyway so with that fact out there, I thought it would be fun. It wasnt. Firstly, It was weird even kissing someone different, And this guy is into some weird shit. Like I would actually have to be like "NOOOOOOO, thats yuuuuccckkkkkk". I dont even know if i can write down some of the weird stuff that was done/tried. I have bite marks on my body, bruises, my body is literally aching everywhere and the bite marks have stained my skin/ neck/ chest/ back. I slept with a vampire/ was attacked!!! The whole time, I was like "FUCK NOT HAVING A CLOCK ON MY WALL" I wanted to know how long was left, until he had to leave. Its not that it was "Boring" in fact he made me feel like the worlds most boring person in bed, because he was so .... yeah... frisky (yuck word). I think I was boring, because I just became not interested in it. I didnt even care if it seemed rude. Anyway after about an hour, I went to the "bathroom", I didnt even need to go, and when i came back he was like "Do you want me to leave?" and I was like "Kinda" , I just wanted it over with. He was like "umm... ooookkk" He started getting dressed and stopped, he jumped on my bed and tried to keep going ( in my head I was like what are you doing???? Im blatently over this), I kinda jokingly , cutely brushed him off, and he kept getting dressed, and he was like to me "All I am is a big dick, who you wanted in your pants" WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT?! IS THIS GUY FOR REAL??? He completely knew what this meeting was about. It wasnt to be friends or in a relationship . What a fucking woman. Yes, I am being mean, but this guy is a slut. I knew it, he knows it, dont pretend like your into me, jerk off, just leave. I said "dont be like that". We said our goodbyes and he left. I was so relieved he was gone.

Afterwards, I felt like complete and utter shit. I mean obviously I didnt really think that this would help right?? Did I think that having sex with someone would solidify the fact that I was single? Moment in weakness? A reason for stregnth?
Whatever the reason, I shouldnt have done it. I dont feel like it was a coping thing. I defintily just felt like having sex, and I got it , and then I wished that I didnt get it. Although it didnt feel that simple. Infact, it kinda made me want to see my ex. Yes, he is my previous someone. I still love the boy, he is one of my best friends, and I tell him everything. Part of me felt guilty, all of me wished it didnt happen, I didnt wanna hurt him or piss him off, but he was the only one that I wanted there, or to talk to . So I did. I firstly made him promise not to hang up on me. He went a bit quiet and asked me if he knew the person, confirmed that I was sober. He thought I mightve said that I pashed someone, not slept with. He found out how upset I was with myself and that I obviously wasnt happy about my choice, and was good about it, and supportive etc. I wonder if that was weird for him? I wasnt at all trying to get a reaction from him. I couldnt be that manipulative. I do find his reaction strange. Considering if he had told me that, I wouldve cried. I think it definitly made me appreciate him. Past and Present tense.

I didnt even think about that second guy, Ignored the text messege.

Today is.... painful. In more ways then one. Im not even trying to be funny.
So for the moment. I dont wanna have sex. I felt like I had disrespected my body. Kinda like how I feel the next day after a massive night, of like drinking 1ltre of vodka and 500 cigarettes.

Only Just A Dream

Diamond in the rough?
Or Diamante in the rough?

Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. I guess it is not until you place them next to each other that you will truely notice the difference in quality.
Aiming to throw out the diamante and keeping the diamond close for the purposes of clarity and beauty.

My thought for the day.
Stay safe and risk everything always.

DEUCES

Im fairly creatively dry at the moment. Im stuck between thinking and over analyzing things too much , and just being reallllllly meh and not giving a shit.
I think im more meh, cos I just don't care right now about anything. Not numb, just like im a guy or something. Non emo-tional....
Im all about taking it day by day. Got a few days off in a couple of weeks and I cannot wait!!
Don't know what to do... where to go..........who cares, its not work.

WEEKEND REFLECTION TIME:
Had a party at my house on saturday night. Shit got wild. I was a brat/hyper. But I love parties at my place, always amazing people, music and goodtimes. Best combo.
I love my friends. Didn't overly enjoy the next day. Stuffs a bit weird with a certain someone. Not weird, I don't mean that. Im actually kinda maybe sorta ok with stuff. But we are not together, and probably take things a bit further then normal "friends". Maybe its a comfort thing, its probably an alcohol thing. Maybe its cos theres no pressure, expectation or title? I feel different. Like I don't care as much. Not about him, just about the little stuff that I used to sweat. I mean I still hate bailers. And that will never change. Obviously, if i could go back and do stuff different, i would. But then im glad i learnt that lesson of rreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee laxing.
Gotta admit, I really dont remember alot from saturday night. "APPARENTLY" I called this girl a bitch (not in a "YOU BITCH?!" way, but in a "Hey bitch" kinda way, hopefully theres a difference), I took a bottle of champange (who knows where from), took my friend hostage and made her not leave my room until it was gone (HAH), was pashing a certain someone all over the show- infront of everyone (EW not my style) etc etc. I was like "OK ive heard enough". Bit embarassing. I usually remember everything.

I was supose to hang out with that certain someone yesturday but it didnt happen. I felt a little dissapointed. And to be honest, the ACTUAL dissapointment from not hanging out with him lasted all of 5mins. Thats all. Then I got reeeeeeaaaalllll dissapointed that I got disspointed. Because I honestly feel like it was a momentary step back for me. And i was like "OH no no no no no.... we are NOT going down this path again, how dare you feel that way?". Im not really sure why we have been getting up to the things we have been, this forshore is not how normal ex's act. Well to be honest, I havnt really done the friends thing with ex's before. But people are def not hesitant to tell me that its not the way it should be done. Well when i say "people" I mean a small few. But seriously in my head like "fuck off". I hate being told what to do, or how i should be feeling... like" excuse me? According to who? you and your great love life? please" and naturally being a bit of a rebel I just wanna do the opposite of what they are advising. fuck i hate being told what to do. Its funny though, cos there like "blah blah, hes mind fucking you, be careful, this isnt normal rah rah rah" i am literally sitting there, i didnt bring this convo up and I dont really bring this topic up with many if any, because i just dont wanna be one of those girls who goes back and fourth, back and fourth about someone. Id rather just stay silent on this one. But now im made to feel guilty for doing what I choose to do with my life, and i feel like im being told off, kinda feeling like shit and the line "its just cos i care about you" comes....
Its like the whole, when your younger your parents smack you for nearly crossing the road without looking and its because they "love you and dont want you to get hurt" ... yet they did hurt you, cos they hit you. maybe thats not an accurate comparison. Dont know where i was going with that one.
But yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh random shit.
Anyway, All I know is that I wanna be with someone who 100% wants to be with me. And im not going to convince someone or settle for otherwise.

ANYWAY. Im kinda kean to head out this weekend, for a girls night out this time. I acutally just want it to be me and one other girl, for a bit of a single ladies night out. Maybe go to the strip club, meet some bitches, throw some stacks at them, take em home. Joking.
But Girls night out, get silly , met/pash people and just have a smashing good time. Or maybe I wont and I will just stay home and be a homebody. Kinda feel like having family time. It will keep me out of trouble also........................................ WHO KNOWS.

Weekend Ordeals

Lord. The weekend was had and had largely. I was practically drunk or hung over the whole time. I was not a fan. So ill.

Friday night. Went out for Dinner. It was gooood. SO between two people we went through, sushi, two bottles of wine, 4 cocktails, sake (FREE) and more sake. Oh and then went to Down town local (NO JUDGEMENT), had a jug of beer (between three girls), but also got this beer bought for me by this guy, mind you, dunno if it was worth it I had to sit there and listen to his weird ass stories about the simply red concert (bore) shoulda told him to take the beer back and that it was NOT worth it. But didnt.
Then went to Rain (no more further judgement), drunk red bull and vodka, vodka and limes, then a bitta drama started with one of the girls i was with and her boyfriend (wasnt overly impressed with this bitch, she txt me ex while i was letting her use my phone to txt her boyf, and said i was on a date that night. Like please, dont.."Tell him it was just me being a dick" yeah,,, sounds SO believable. Oh well), saw some people i knew at rain, which was cool, but most of the night i was getting txties from a work mate/ friend of mine and he was telling me to come meet him.
So ditched the drama and went to meet him. moment i walked in he had a shot and some drink waiting for me. He was with another one of my work mates, who was like "Heard your single, will you fuck me now?" "Charming , of course" . Sarcasim. Wouldnt. Ever. And it was just amazing chilling with these boys. So rad. Apart from them thinking im some sort of blow up doll, grabbing my ass, picking me up, pushing me into random guys. But I was too drunk to care/do anything about it. Plus , there mates.
We then went to mini bar. And this guy started talking to me. My tolerance for assholes is literally at 0, and i was like " God help the first guy who comes up and talks to me i swear" Cos i would be mean. BUT was nice to this guy. He was talking to me about fuck knows what, and then i was like "Look, im NOT going to bone you and im NOT even going to kiss you" He said "cool I dont buy girls drinks" I said "Good for you" and 5 mins later I had a drink, and he didnt have a pash. One for me, NONE for him. He got my number. He said he wanted to "kick it old school and take me on a date" ,,, i was kean for the moment. Then as he was getting to know my friends, and just generally trying a bit too hard, I really couldnt care less. I became completely dissintereted. I think its the whole "get out there , get amongst it, find someone else" Ive always done shit at my own pace, you know? No one can rush me, no one can make me do something I dont wanna do, and I honestly was just like, Its not what I had. Which is a bit mean on my part, just flat out not ready. I dont even know if I could pash someone else. Is that weird?
then I had a panic attack basically, and was just like i cannot do this!!? I looked at my friend, and was like "Love you, but im not feeling this, Think i needa go, I needa leave" and he was like "go go go , its ok, i understand" I didnt even say anything to that guy. He txt me. Dont care. Didnt respond.

Saturday. this party. so much fun. yet again, panic attack. Im telling you, there was some babes that night, i was like holy crap, so fine. But I only talked to like two of them. then just hung out with my friends, and walked home by myself after my panic attack through rapes alley. IDIOT. cannot afford to get myself in that position again. So need to either, stop drinking or dont go to the burbs. Think itll be the drinking thing though. Clearly mentally i cannot handle it right now.
Ive got some time off comming up, might be going to see mum. would be amazing if i could. needa good break. instead of breakdown.

Sunday i went and visited my fam for lunch , got given so much food, then went supermarket shopping. love pack and save. Came home, and to be honest, was a bit sad. Prolly the natural depression from the bender i just had. But was preeettttty lonely. So just put my ass to bed. I saw 3am on the clock. O dear. Oh well im sure itll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeee.

horocopes and parents

Mine are so good today! Both horoscopes and parents. Realise I just commented on one horoscope and one parent. Heres an ode to the other. firstly horoscope:

"You're not as excited about an endeavor as you once were. But someone new will get involved and fan the flames once more. You'll quickly make inroads. "
UM COOOOOOL?! Someone new? how exciting. An Endeavor? Even better.

And a txt from my daddy randomly tonight:

"Things are always harder when the hearts down, remember to have fun and a laugh in the weekend and get some good sleep"......

NOICE. Will do. Done . Dusted. Bi Polar.hah.

crying in the breast milk.

Its nearly the weekend. SO SO SOOOOO happy.
Sushi and Sake date tonight.
Family Breakfast
Chat with Mammy
Oppertunity shopping/ Costume shopping
Get Ready
Drunk.

My mum emailed me about the sex post. Shes so funny/cool. "remember my sweet one, nothing shocks me !!! I am cool with what you wrote. LOVE those questions too, funny how in life there are more questions than answers .. hmmmm".......
I think shes my number one fan of this thing.

Im feeling a bit more optimistic about things. Maybe its cos Its the weekend. Maybe its because Im so over feeling this way. And no one else can make that change except me right?
My Mum also sent me my horoscope, and I dont believe in these things. I think they are a bit of a money making scam, and that they are soooo general and can be applied to most situations, but anywho, my mum sent me mine today (she checks mine, cute):

Your October Monthly Forecast: What precisely is it that you wish you had more of? Money? Help? Wisdom? Support? Understanding? Opportunity? Time? Something is lacking and you feel sure that it is a physical resource, not a mental or emotional one. Yet, actually, if you had just a bit more nerve and ingenuity, you could soon compensate for what's seemingly missing. Don't persuade yourself, in October, that you'll never get enough of what you need. Look instead for ways to make what you've got go further. You are more protected than you realise. The cosmos intends to do all it can, soon, to move your life on in the best possible way. The cosmic blueprint of your life was written in code across the sky at the moment you were born

Kinda find it motivating and definitly how I have been feeling. I also havnt been happy with the realisation that I relied my happiness on one or two things. I dont think thats right, and its never been the case before. Its not all negative, what Ive been through. And I wouldnt take it back. The time I had was very much appreciated and treasured.

GOOD RIDDINS BITCHES.

???????????????

Bullet points.

- Do I put other people first too often?
- Do I know how not too?
- Am I completely selfish?
- Have I given too much of myself to people?
- Will I regret it?
- Do people get too many chances with me?
- Will I be appreciated? Ever?
- Will life get the better of me?
- I Will feel normal/ happy again right?
- Will I always be the girl who someone dosnt want but dosnt want anyone else to have?
- Am I really always destined for friendship in someones eyes/Heart?
- Am I that impossible?
- Am I this insecure/ Questioning?
- What happened to my killer confidence?
- How do I get it back?
- Does time really heal everything? Or just make it easier?
- Am I destined for bigger things? Or worse?
- How much can one person take at one time?
- Am I really a person ,people desire to have?
- Do people really enjoy my company?
- Is a doubting mind a healthy one?
- Does it promote change?
- Will he ever want me?
- Am I being specific with "he" ? or being general?
- Am I feeding myself false hope?
- Am I just reallllllly tired?
- Do I want White or Red WHINE?

S.E.X. Lets talk about it yeah?

Sexual intercourse ( sorry mum, I know you read this).



SUCH an interesting topic. Prolly one of my faves to talk about. I just find it interesting. Dont get me wrong, there is certian people that I dont wanna hear anything from about this topic. Like not at all, please stop, fingers in ears situation.

Im at work. Sooooo hahaha this bitch is on minimize (mini me size).



Like what defines a slut? Is it a number vs. the age of that person? Is the amount of people at one time that someone is "seeing" ? Like "Seeing" what? yes, you are def seeing, why wouldnt they call it "feeling" . Like im just "feeling" this guy right, hes like ....... that would make more sense right?



In my experience with sluts ( hahaha, A PLENTY) . I would generally speaking say it was someone who just has no boundaries when it comes to sex. Who its with, how many people, when, where etc etc. No respect for either parties. I dont think its purely about numbers. .. maybe it is. I feel I would be shooting myself in the foot if I said that, with my past being that, my past.



With being with different people, I kinda felt I had a new found respect for people and peoples bodies. The more bodies you see, the more respect for humans and insecurities I think you have. No doubt, theres those insecurities that everyone has. Things that they wouldnt want people to notice about them when you are literally in your most vunerable state (nakkkkkeeeyyy), I kinda think thats cool. Like knowing or noticing those things in someone, and how much you realise that people actually dont care. Maybe its diff for girls and guys. i swear most guys dont give a shit, because there gettttttinnnn soooommmme. Dogs. But PERSONALLY, I just think its cool. That no one else might no about that, except you. I gotta admit, im really not that self concious about being naked. And seeing that confidence in someone else I FIND completely hot. But also someone whos a little self concious about that, but then lets that go for you, is so hot too.

Maybe its that caring, nuturing girl in me. But I wanna cradle that insecurity and make that person feel amazing about themselves.

Then theres those traumatic experiences. Where its not about making that person feel the way they should , its more about "wham bam, thanks bitch". Im not going to lie. I am guilty of that also. where i just dont care to its greatest extent and its about me and no im not going to do that to you, cos i dont like you, i am simply using you. Geeeeessssssss that makes me seem awful. But its the truth. And I think it makes you appreciate "love making" (GROSS, thats such a weird name, like what? your creating it by calling it that? No.) but maybe more less having sex rather then fucking. Im sure in context you wouldnt be like "oh yeah me and my boyfriend were fucking last night right?" Wouldnt you be inclined to say "Oh yeah me and my boyfriend were having sex last night right?" Dunno, just seems more respectful and tame. Maybe thats just me. But id kinda be like um oooohhhhhh kkk.. If someone said effing. Like common, thats your boyfriend, respect hunny.



I always find it interesting to find out about other peoples perspective on this subject. Like how many people have they boned, the weirdest thing sexually that they have done or have had done, the abnormalties they have seen on someone etc etc. It so amazing. Some people have THE weirdest stories. My sluts certainly do.



Then, how important is sex? how often is enough? Is there such thing? is there too much? When are you "suppose" to have sex within a relationship/dating? 3rd date? too soon? too late? romance? lust? So mannnnnnyyyyy questions. Its like i was just given birth too and i dont know how the world works.

what makes that person the person who your like, "Actually, im not just going to bone you, I kinda wanna take it slow and enjoy you" VS. "dont know if i really like you, but i think i wanna rip your clothes off anyway?" ....



I dont have a problem with drunken sex. To a degree. Obviously its not ideal , ideal. But kinda think its a bit fun too. I think you let go of alot of things when you do . And that sense of "probs shouldnt be doing this, but its fun being drunk, free and in the moment". Next days where its not sooooo goood. Me personally? I hate morning sex. Mostly if you were drunk its the pits. D-scusting. I actually am like "nooooooooooooo iiiii ddoooonnt wannnnnna , its yucckkkkkk". Seriously, Have a shower, brush your teeth, then talk to me. until then, I REALLY dont wanna know yah. I guess im talking with randoms now, because if its someone you care about, you dont overly worry about those things.



Random talk. Once agian. Apologies Mum. You know me, honest!

Not myself tonight...

Or at the moment.
Dunno what im feeling, why im feeling and how im feeling. So fucking sick of feelings. I always thought of myself as a fairly logical thinker/feeler. Being raised by my dad would be the reason for this. I feel somewhere along the way I semi lost this. I want it baaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkk. Its easier if you think its black and white. I think thats where a huge part of my " Boss Bitch " front comes from . Feelings could be simple but when adding dimensions to it, it adds complication. I like simplicity. Feeding the brain sometimes isnt the best thing. Especially if your feeding it junk food. Not speaking in a litieral sense.
Im pretty sure I just spoke about nothing in that paragraph. It has meaning but I cant be assed being specific.
I GUESS, i just think too much feelings go into feelings. And its not only exhausting, I get sick of talking about them, and I get sick of feeling them. "youth is wasted on the young" (Oscar wilde) well "feeling is wasted on feelings" (Me).
At the moment, people prolly dont notice alot of change in me.. For the majority of it, I literally am just talking peoples heads off, usual blab face about stupid shit that dosnt really matter I guess. Silence is a little scary right now. Im kinda scared if im silent, someone will look at my face and see that im not myself. Dont get me wrong, im not like "my lifes over, and its so so so sooooo awful" I really dont think I could ever say those words in relation to my life , theres people that are just so much worse off its sickening and sad to think about, but im almost just completely wanting to hang out by myself. I also had a thought like, I dont know if in so long anyones been like "are you ok, like truely ok? Like how are you ? " in a complete and utter genuine sense. Not just because of the way we are trained in conversation where its as vital as "hello" and "goodbye". I mean, im asking because i actually care and truely wanna know whats going on beyond that face. I feel those questions are kinda hard to come by.
Anyways, wanting to hang out by myself. I really couldnt care if I only spent time with me for the next week. Funnily enough, my agendas full. People wanting to meet up etc. Vee appreciative of the people in my life right now. Gotta good bunch.
Im not SO depressed, dont worry.... Just want alot of quiet time because i dont quite feel myself.
hmmmmmmmmmm........................
Still looking foward to this sat night though. Not so much sunday. toats over hang overs.
I wanna go on a roadtrip. Or just a trip. Bitta temporary relief scenario.

My work is pretty slack with allowing me time off. So i think im going to give a bit of an ultimatium. Im going to be like "Look bitches (Respectfully), Im burning out, Give me time off, Or ill go to the docotors get a certificate and take some stress leave mother fuckers (Respectfully)". See what they say.
Shesh my language is that of a lady. wreakon?
Need a new job, new country, city , anything. Something new and exicitng. Time for change up in this thang.
NY next year though. Should be good times. I hope it happens. Could really do with some time in another country with one of my fav people. Just gotta make it happen. how long for, location , job etc. BOOOOOOOOOY got some work to do.

meh meh meh meh meh Dear motivation, please come and takkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeee oooooovvvvvvverrrr mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Thanks, Love me.

Thug life

So this weekend is exciting. Its one of my bestfriends, who is also my flatmates, 25th birthday. What an old bitch. She is having this HUGE party. Its a joint party ( not the drug type) , its this other guys leaving party. Hes going to L.A. Jeal.

The theme is ' Bronx thugs and Sexy Sinoritas ' . RIGHT up my Ally. I was like ok I can defs work with this. BUT im not a fan of dress up. Dont overly care what the theme is, if I have to wear costumes im not a huge fan. Because :

1) The trouble of finding a costume

2) The money it costs to pull one together. Espesh for shit that I doubt ill wear again

3) If you end up with some new friends in town, your the only retard in costume and have to constantly explain why you look weird.

St. Up. Im going as the above picture. Like a femme tupac.

It will be a little different. But i am going to wear baggy ass jeans, have boxers hanging over top, a white singlet, Checkerd shirt overtop, bandana and heels. My jeans are going to be slightly rolled up so heels will look ok. Im hoping. I gotta be slight femme otherwise i feel like the butchest mother out there. G - ross. Im also going to have massive knucklebuster rings, bright red lipstick and huge hoop earings. So needless to say, this is prolly the costume party that im looking foward too. It will be a good bunch of people, we are going to be drinking patrone (tis fittin, and i'll be swiggin), Good music , im single and just a smashing goodtime.

Monday Fun/ BORE

Mondays are preeeeettttttty ghey. If im being honest. Thank the lord above they go fast. I feel anyway. Modays used to be amazing. A.k.A. Brothers and Sisters would be on T.V. Now? Nudding worth watching. Sad, Sad times.

Ive been feeling weird today. Real weird. Like I havnt been feeling the pain the last three days have been filled with. I dont know why. Well I sorta do.
I met up with *** last night. I dont really know why. And to be honest, I could see more reasons not too meet up with him, then too. But as I said in the below post, been hurt, really whats the worse that can happen? I guess I saw/heard how much he wanted me in his life. Not like that. But friends. No doubt in my mind it will be hard. And im still unsure. Im pretty wary. Like I think he thinks it will just go back to the way it was. Us being as comfortable as we were around each other, hanging out quiet a bit etc. And I just think realistically, it wont be like that. Lets be honest, history will always be there. Feelings that were had, will still linger. Feelings that were hurt, will still linger. For a little bit at least. Im not putting a date and time on it, If i wake up tomorrow and am over it- So be it. I would actually love that. But if in a months time, we have been hanging out and It just feels weird and I decide I cant really do it and to move on, I need to move- So be that.
I was reading something today (dont worry, not a self help book or anything retarded like that), and it said that when someone ends something with someone, its because they want a sense of freedom. So let them have that freedom. Let go. It kinda made me think about my own situation. I dont wanna feel like im restricting anyone from anything. I dont wanna be someones shackles or ball and chain. Regardless of the cliche about woman. It made me wonder if thats what he wanted. If he felt trapped. I mean I know I was quiet a demanding girlfriend. Dont get me wrong im not going to sit here and try and pick on myself and be too hard on myself-Id literally be kicking myself whilst down- but that line got me thinking. But if he wanted the freedom, why is he still wanting to be friends? If freedoms really whats being desired, embrace the new found freedom that he should be feeling and let me slide. Maybe im being a bit to black and white about it.
All I know is that im just going to take this slowly and do me for a while. Being single with my head held high. haha, lame.
Hes innitating to hang out more now then when we were together. So freaking odd. I guess every situation is different, designer, one off etc etc.
Day by Day is all ill say.

another day in paradise

So today i feel ok.

Not too bad. I couldn't decide if i wanted to meet up with him or not. I want to . But then i feel like everyones telling me not to make contact , to leave it a month, leave it a week, cut full stop. Like what the fuck am i suppose to do? I don't wanna be oblivious to the obvious. Like if they are seeing something im not, then ill listen. But its purely based on there own situations. there past. But you know what? this will be my past. These will be my mistakes and my successes. Ive gotta do what i want. Ive gotta grieve, Ive gotta have my days, Ive gotta have my happiness, etc. and to be honest, im grieving not only the loss of the relationship, which ill get over. But the loss of a friendship. which i dunno if i will. So i might be meeting up with him. I guess its just to see how i react with meeting him and him not being my boyfriend. it may hurt, but , im already hurting. It maybe ok, in that case, things will go extremely slowly.

Risk Risk Risk. Tisk Tisk Tisk.

Terms of Expression

This will be my therapy. That and just talking it out. But then also just staying silent.

Ive so far spent my time hanging with family. It has helped, but it doesn't either. I was scared to be alone, even if it was just in a shop. I like literally was sticking to my Dads side the whole time.

He's been really good about it. Considering he didn't even know i was in that relationship. Thats what im talking about incase you didn't figure that out.

I honestly feel bi polar. Like one minute im happy and im fine, and im like , yeah im strong, i can do this, cant NOBODY hold me down, and i get excited about life for a moment. then the next, i feel like i cant breathe, my hearts heavy yet empty, i get a lump in my throat and i just wanna cry and go to bed. I didn't even know if i could sleep feeling like this and asked my dad to shoot a horse tranquilizer in my ass so i could sleep for a few weeks. He was like "NO, you don't need to sleep for days, you can cry yourself to sleep tonight, your not the first person to do that, and you will get up tomorrow and get on with your weekend and enjoy yourself and do things that you wanna do and have fun. Sweetie you will find that switch inside your head that flicks and moves on, you just need to locate it." He also said that im going to have a few more of these heartbreaks before i find "the one" and that i should full stop cut him out of my life.

This is the thing right? He was like "i still wanna be apart of your life, i still wanna be around you, involved, and that would be the one thing that would cut me the most, is if i couldn't have that. I mean i would understand , but it would be really hard" I was like "How could i ever look at you through friendship eyes? How could i ever know whats appropriate, how i should touch you? I wouldn't be ever able to see you with someone else, i would die. what kinda friendship would that be?

And as much as i am hurting. He is the only one i want to go through it with me. I want him next to me, i don't want him to leave. I would like him to be helping me through this. Speaking like theres two different people. The one who broke me, and the one who will heal me. Its such an odd feeling. Talk about thoughts to make a person mental.

Still don't know what to do about his clothes. Burn them? give them to charity? Leave them in my letter box? Give them to him in person? I just don't know how this is suppose to go.

I thought i was falling in love with the guy. Maybe i was. And now i cant. That switch has to turn off mid feelings developing. Love is the strongest emotion. It makes people do the craziest things- Cliche but so fucking true.

Im trying to convince myself that the relationship wasn't right. Like there are certain things that were not ok about it, and that i compromised a lot on. For example; he never seemed like he wanted to hang out all the time. Which i think in the start of a relationship that should be the feeling right? Or maybe thats fantasy. but i felt that way. I wanted him around all the time. And i wanted that feeling back from him. I never really got it from him. I didn't take it as him not being interested, i just thought, he's got a lot of other stuff going on, study, family, friends etc. And just took it as that. Especially because he would see me after not seeing me for a few days and tell me that he missed me and he kissed me crazy beautiful. So i guess that would justify any hesitation i had in my mind. And if i ever kicked up a fuss about us not spending enough time, or whatever. I was made to feel bad. Enough for now.

new start

So, me and my boyfriend broke up.

Caught between me being like "hold on, i deserve better, probs shouldn't have been treated that way, your right , it is over" and " eff me im really going to miss you, i wanted to be with you, I want you and you don't want me"

Its weird. I feel anxious, relieved, ok, not ok, sad, angry, all sorts. The only way i got to sleep was by turning it around and turned angry at him. Sadness just isn't a good lullaby. I cant fall asleep to it.

I guess it was pretty left wing. I had no say in it. Its weird, in a relationship its all about 50/50, yet in ending things wise, it can be 100% one person, and the poor bitch getting it, just has to do that. Get it , and get over it.

A huge part of me was like " single, hello, its been a while, lets get crazy!" But i don't just wanna jump on the person next to me. Actually it wouldn't quite be like that. And as mature and boring as this sounds, like Ive had a couple of guys texting me while i was in this relationship and i was like "sorry guys, off the market" and now im on it. But i don't wanna take it up. Like i just feel it would make me feel so much worse. And if i woke up with them in my bed next to me the next day, and it wasn't my ex boyfriend (ugh that still feels awful), I would probley have a panic attack/ vom everywhere. Or cry. Cos i wont ever be waking up next to him again. Even though he was my favorite person to wake up next too. ugh sadness.

Everyone says that its best to surround yourself with people you love, keep busy. But its not him you know. Its not the person who i wanna be with. I cant have that. So for the now. It sucks ass.

I wanna new start, i wanna get excited. I wanna feel happy. I wanna be back to my strong badass bitch self. hopefully it happens soon.

Here then Gone- How am i suppose to take it like a man?

Few things going through my head ....

Dunno if this weekend has been a learning curve, reality check or just plain old abuse... but i have not enjoyed it.

Basically a couple of people have bought somethings to light about me as an individual / relationship wise.

Im not just talking about a relationship between bee eff and gee eff , im also talking about the friends kind, the acquaintance kind and the kind between when one person meets another.

I cant help but feel attacked. Like , how much attacking/"advice" does one person give another before its like, hold on, what do you actually like about me then? why are you even friends with me? Why are you in a relationship with me? but then flip it right, if someone is genuine in the fact that you do actually have some human issues, and bring it up with you, is that an attack?

Maybe its always going to seem like an attack if your on the receiving end.

Am i being to sensitive? Maybe. Am i overreacting? Maybe. Am i going to change my ways? Maybe.

If i change my ways, am i still whole heartedly me? Or am i just being shaped by the people around me? Since when have i ever let someone tell me how i should be or what i should do?Fuck me, maybe im too stubborn. Is it about weighing up the healthy? Like, if it is a relevant change, something that is an issue (according too certain people), and the result of me changing is healthy and not toxic, thats ok right?

I have so many questions.

But then what, we kiss and make up?