Not Myself Tonight

Last night was pretty full on. I slept with someone. Someone who I shouldnt have. Well, I feel like I shouldnt be sleeping with anyone full stop at the moment. This post is going to be freaking graphic... ugh. what am I up too.
How it all happened?
I had an amazing day at work yesturday. From there, I dont even know. I was like to my flatmate/friend when we were walking home, "feel like boning someone" she was all "DO IT?! Omgosh ive been waiting for this girl to come back, this fun fun girl" , I hestitantly agreed. But was like feck yeah , i can do this. So the same couple of guys that were texting me while I was in a relationship got a messege from me. I have had sex with them both before. One a couple of times. Shit, there both kean. One was avaliable from 8pm, and had work at 10pm, the other was avaliable from 12am. So really? Im doing this ? Im doing two people in one night? Thats preeeettttttyyyyy sick. ANYWAY. Got home, had a shower got all ready etc. The guy that was comming over first was texting me being like "what happened between you and your bf?" I was like dude, what the fuck? where not friends so calm down. Didnt say that word for word. But hes was texting me also being real dirty etc (that shit is disgusting and its like, what are you 12 and wanking off to this? gross), then he was texting me being like "you make me nervous, your so cool, I gotta admit im pretty intimidated by you".... I literally LOLed. Cool? whhhhaaaat. Nervous?? whaaaaat. I was like "Its just me, dont worry" ... while he was texting me non stop, I was just like ughhhh, just shut up and come over, im getting sick of this. I guess this is pretty mean of me, hes still a human with feelings etc. But for me, he was just my object. Not even object of desire. More like object of convenience. Anyway, he came over, we pretty much just went straight to me room and got into it. Weird thing is, within the first 15 mins of it, I wanted out. But you cant just be like "hey can you leave?" when your just getting started. Its rude.
The thing about this guy, he has a massive dick (Actually, this is the only reason I first ever slept with him. Me and my girlfriends had heard about it, and used to joke about it etc. So of course, I had to see it for myself. No lies. Rumors were true. Anything to prove a point (typical me)). Anyway so with that fact out there, I thought it would be fun. It wasnt. Firstly, It was weird even kissing someone different, And this guy is into some weird shit. Like I would actually have to be like "NOOOOOOO, thats yuuuuccckkkkkk". I dont even know if i can write down some of the weird stuff that was done/tried. I have bite marks on my body, bruises, my body is literally aching everywhere and the bite marks have stained my skin/ neck/ chest/ back. I slept with a vampire/ was attacked!!! The whole time, I was like "FUCK NOT HAVING A CLOCK ON MY WALL" I wanted to know how long was left, until he had to leave. Its not that it was "Boring" in fact he made me feel like the worlds most boring person in bed, because he was so .... yeah... frisky (yuck word). I think I was boring, because I just became not interested in it. I didnt even care if it seemed rude. Anyway after about an hour, I went to the "bathroom", I didnt even need to go, and when i came back he was like "Do you want me to leave?" and I was like "Kinda" , I just wanted it over with. He was like "umm... ooookkk" He started getting dressed and stopped, he jumped on my bed and tried to keep going ( in my head I was like what are you doing???? Im blatently over this), I kinda jokingly , cutely brushed him off, and he kept getting dressed, and he was like to me "All I am is a big dick, who you wanted in your pants" WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT?! IS THIS GUY FOR REAL??? He completely knew what this meeting was about. It wasnt to be friends or in a relationship . What a fucking woman. Yes, I am being mean, but this guy is a slut. I knew it, he knows it, dont pretend like your into me, jerk off, just leave. I said "dont be like that". We said our goodbyes and he left. I was so relieved he was gone.

Afterwards, I felt like complete and utter shit. I mean obviously I didnt really think that this would help right?? Did I think that having sex with someone would solidify the fact that I was single? Moment in weakness? A reason for stregnth?
Whatever the reason, I shouldnt have done it. I dont feel like it was a coping thing. I defintily just felt like having sex, and I got it , and then I wished that I didnt get it. Although it didnt feel that simple. Infact, it kinda made me want to see my ex. Yes, he is my previous someone. I still love the boy, he is one of my best friends, and I tell him everything. Part of me felt guilty, all of me wished it didnt happen, I didnt wanna hurt him or piss him off, but he was the only one that I wanted there, or to talk to . So I did. I firstly made him promise not to hang up on me. He went a bit quiet and asked me if he knew the person, confirmed that I was sober. He thought I mightve said that I pashed someone, not slept with. He found out how upset I was with myself and that I obviously wasnt happy about my choice, and was good about it, and supportive etc. I wonder if that was weird for him? I wasnt at all trying to get a reaction from him. I couldnt be that manipulative. I do find his reaction strange. Considering if he had told me that, I wouldve cried. I think it definitly made me appreciate him. Past and Present tense.

I didnt even think about that second guy, Ignored the text messege.

Today is.... painful. In more ways then one. Im not even trying to be funny.
So for the moment. I dont wanna have sex. I felt like I had disrespected my body. Kinda like how I feel the next day after a massive night, of like drinking 1ltre of vodka and 500 cigarettes.