Caught between me being like "hold on, i deserve better, probs shouldn't have been treated that way, your right , it is over" and " eff me im really going to miss you, i wanted to be with you, I want you and you don't want me"
Its weird. I feel anxious, relieved, ok, not ok, sad, angry, all sorts. The only way i got to sleep was by turning it around and turned angry at him. Sadness just isn't a good lullaby. I cant fall asleep to it.
I guess it was pretty left wing. I had no say in it. Its weird, in a relationship its all about 50/50, yet in ending things wise, it can be 100% one person, and the poor bitch getting it, just has to do that. Get it , and get over it.
A huge part of me was like " single, hello, its been a while, lets get crazy!" But i don't just wanna jump on the person next to me. Actually it wouldn't quite be like that. And as mature and boring as this sounds, like Ive had a couple of guys texting me while i was in this relationship and i was like "sorry guys, off the market" and now im on it. But i don't wanna take it up. Like i just feel it would make me feel so much worse. And if i woke up with them in my bed next to me the next day, and it wasn't my ex boyfriend (ugh that still feels awful), I would probley have a panic attack/ vom everywhere. Or cry. Cos i wont ever be waking up next to him again. Even though he was my favorite person to wake up next too. ugh sadness.
Everyone says that its best to surround yourself with people you love, keep busy. But its not him you know. Its not the person who i wanna be with. I cant have that. So for the now. It sucks ass.
I wanna new start, i wanna get excited. I wanna feel happy. I wanna be back to my strong badass bitch self. hopefully it happens soon.
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