Today

Im feeling weak. Im feeling physically weak in my body because of the intense exercising i have been doing recently, and im not smoking- for that i actually feel strong- but just weak. I don't know if the physical weakness has a reflection or causes emotional weakness. But i feel down. Some finalizing of wrapping up a relationship was had on monday night. And although I do feel relieved to finally know where i stand, and to just get on with life. I also do feel very sad. Today, It feels sad. I haunt spoken to him in two days, so it does feel kinda lonely. I miss him. I do. And its so sappy and not very boss bitch to think this way, but i cant really help it. As much as i have been exercising like a bitch at the moment, all i feel like doing is walking. When i walk, my head clears. And i want a clear head. I feel like i could cry at any moment and i don't want to , so walking feels like im walking away from my tears. Maybe im trying to punish my body because i fear i will never be enough for someone.

If we do the unthinkable

Would it make us look crazy?!?

This week has been gooood. Bit tired mind you. Things arnt working for me at the moment. I feel quite sick at the moment. Ive actually woken up yesterday and this morning feeling super queasy and most things that I eat have been leaving me with a sore stomach or an uneasy sort of feeling. Dont know whats going on. To be honest theres not a lot I eat these days that dosnt make me feel a bit funny. Its not that I eat a whole lot of shit (literally and so to speak) , but obviously somethings not working so I need a change!!! Must say, not a huge fan of it, change that is, but if its self inflicted its not sooooooo bad. Also joining a gym. Im usually anti is because I think that it is a fad. Go hardout for 3 weeks, then nahhhh cant be bothered. But its time to push myself!!! Nothing like money lost to be that motivation, hopefully that turns into weight lost and ciggarettes lost, and healthy gained? Anyway that is the latest. Been spending lots of time with friends, and heaps more of our friends are swinging around our flat a lot more. So theres always someone around! Its good. I like my alone time, so sometimes feel a little bad about wandering off to my room and not socialising.

anywhoo just a quick stop by. Im working some extra hours in the next week. So im doing a 53 hour week starting sunday. I wanna buy some new shoes. Two new pairs in fact. And there both heels. Combined i could prolly get some winter boots, which is what I ACTUALLY need. But i do need some new heels. Is there such thing as a need when it comes to heels?

The week that is......

Im feeling hella optimistic about this week. I had so much fun with my flat mates cleaning last night. It really is outragous how fun our weekly flat cleans are! We basically blast music, clean the shit out of the house, and then we cook dinner, watch shortland street and go on NZdating. We are a flat of dirty minds and mouths. So the conversations are so much fun. Anyways, I had a fun monday night with them, and tonight I am heading over to a friends house to have dinner (cooked by her) my boys are also comming over! Then tomorrow Im actually looking foward to doing ZILCH. I think im going to have a long hot shower, nice homecooked meal, light my candles, play nice music, put nice underwear on and have alone time. Not in a dodge way. In a way that all woman should do once a week. I recommend it. You feel so relaxed, completely alone (in a good way) and its peaceful. A nice midweek thing as we all know work, life, baggage, not a good combo for midweek stress. So do it! I also am signing up to a gym this week. Im doing my research. Im kinda tired of being a dirty, unfit, smoker. So im cutting out the faggs (otts) and jumping on the treadmill. I really want to make it apart of my everyday life. Its funny right, I read blogs that are written by older, successful, mostly entrepreneurs woman. I dont really know why, maybe because I want to be like them . But anyway, I read them and there all about 'Taking time for yourself' 'Power to the woman' type stuff. I read it and im like "UGH DUMB", and I think it takes a couple of crash and internal burns to realise that you need to do take that time. I realise more then ever, that as much as sometimes I dont want to be alone, and I want some around 247, then I have people around constantly and I just want some space. I dont think the inbetween matters. As long as I take that day to do something relaxing for me, and also take some time in my week to exercise, and dont excessively drink- Im a happy woman. And I know it sounds super gay, but it really does make a difference, in my life anyway. Its the same as hanging out with family, doing something out of the ordinary, playing with an animal or a child. Super super brady bunch type stuff. There is innocence in everyone, tapping into that will give you child like satisfaction, where a box is all you need. Metophorically speaking.

Im going to chill with my family this weekend. I wanna look at some op shops, maybe go see a movie, who knows. Open book. But I also want to do "mature" stuff like go grocery shopping. This post sounds like im becoming the definition of boring. Not ness the case. But as long as I feel healthy and happy who gives a shit.

There is so many things I want online. I would quite like a Loui Vuitton furry tail. Thats this weeks want/not need.

I need to download some more music. I cannot begin to tell you how over my music I am. I feel like nothing is aurally pleasing me.

Deauce.

Maybe things would be different ...

-If you would forget about what I did to you, and focused on what Im doing for you
-If you would recognise the change that I have made within myself
-If you would recognise that I made that change so I can be a better person for you
-If you would realise that if you dont take me, the change was made for someone else
-If you would let go of things that happened in your past, because I have done the same
-If you would recongnise that the connection we have is rare and cant be duplicated
-If you would make more of an effort
-If you would know that its not always me that needs to change
-If you would be more certain
-If you would realise that you could have it all
-If you would realise that not only have you been patient, I have been patient too
-If you would realise that once I make the choice to go, im gone
-If you would realise that I dont love anyone the way I love you
-If you would realise I would never intentionally hurt you
-If you would realise that you have gained more then lost

If you would realise. We could be happy.