There is alot of things I dont talk to people about. The things you did to me is one of them or how I feel about you. Im scared of saying some words that might seem too harsh and ill be judge for that. But somehow over 10 years later, your actions affect me still. So I think they might always.

The littlies were too young to know some of the stuff you got upto. But I remember. You apologise now for not fighting for us, and for just giving up and following your own path. You blame your own mother for the advice that you got. But at the end of the day, you had a choice. You chose the path you did regardless of the advice you sought. Im only 24 and I think about my one day children and im already in love with them, and could never imagine leaving them or doing the things you did to us.
These are things I remember, maybe you dont, maybe you think I dont remember because I was too young?
I remember that douche bag that used to hang around the video store, and you went over to his house one day with us 3 and left us in the car while you were inside fucking him. Then we went to see his girlfriends (No morals much?) horse. You said to me not to say anything to Dad because he will be mad we wernt at home doing our homework. I gave you so much attidude that day because I knew you were a liar. I think that was one of the first days that I started falling out of love with you and wanting to be like you.
The other things I remember? when you told me that you and Dad were splitting up, I said to you, "So your going to go off and be with all these other guys?" and you said "No sweetie, thats the last thing on my mind". Weird that I believed you, because thats exactly what you did. Random guys always calling your new place. I used to tell them you were at somewhere embarassing like weight watchers because I didnt want them to call you back. Then you would send me to bed really early, because guys would come over. But they were just your friends? I remember having my ears pressed up against that wall inside my wardrobe because I could hear him in your room and I knew you wernt friends.  I also know that there was dodgy shit going on with the old manager at our store Alistar.
Even after you moved away to Auckland, you couldnt even make a sacrafice for us then. Me and you were sleeping in the same bed, and sharna got up in the middle of the night to look for you, and I found you in your boyfriends and his bed. You couldnt even not make things painful if you tried. You took away our security and you can blame all you want on your own mother, but that shit was you.
That day on mothers day, when your 6 year old daughter called you to wish you a happy mothers day and she got told by your flat mate that you had moved overseas. Or when the same daughter asked you when you would come over here and you said you wouldnt be returning. She asked you what about her wedding day and you said no? That was the same daughter that was crying leading up to her recent school ball, because everyones mother was excited for there daughters, but hers gives her a messege on facebook? I could all but understand how she was feeling. I felt the same on the day of my ball. You wont be there on my wedding day either. Look forward to what my messege on facebook will be when I get married. When you used to call us at all hours of the night, pissed drunk and asking to speak to me?
All the sacrafices you were supposed to make were covered for by me and by Dad. Every school holidays when we would have to leave you, I was trying not to be upset myself. Because I was still a 14 year old girl , I had to hug and kiss my little brother and sister because they were crying on the plane. I never got my chance to be upset about anything to do with you. Who was there for me to cry too?

Everyone has always felt more sorry for Sharna and Daniel in this whole situation because they were younger. I wish I had there nievity in this situation. I know more then I wish I knew.
Ive never told them anything about the things I remember. Not that I want to save you, but I want to protect them. No one ever protected me. Dad didnt even know until I told him a few years ago. He said he wished he knew because he wouldnt have tried to save the marriage knowing the damage you had done too me. Why didnt you want to protect me?  Why didnt that mother/human instinct to protect a child come to play?

Your apologies have never been enough for me.  Never. I thought that I had forgiven you, yet when im made to think about you and that situation, I feel the biggest lump in my throat. I feel like nothing but fakeness towards you. You wrote me an email recently and I never replied. Because what I was going to say wasnt even as nice as this blog post. You said something about how I never said "I'll miss you" or "I love you" Im not going to say I dont love you but I will say I dont miss you. I miss the person who used to be my mother. When I was very young. From the photos it looked like you were obssessed with me. I miss that person. But that persons no longer. I dont miss you, because we dont have anything. Sometimes time dosnt heal things, but it does change things. I feel that way about you. You think that we are going to go over to visit you and have this great emotional connection and get on amazingly. For me, thats not the case. I no longer want to cry on the plane home, I look forward to going home. Home is where the heart is, and you no longer have my heart. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, because you make sure its fun, and you dote over us, and you cook us dinner, buy us things, plan our week etc. I can see that motherly instinct coming out. Even when you touch me its bitter sweet. Theres nothing like a mothers touch. I notice when you touch me, I feel it. But I dont know how to recieve it.

You may think that my relationship with you is only to do with me and you , but it affects my entire life.
I am the person I am, I do the things I do, because of you. I dont trust anybody. Deep down, I dont. If my own mum can leave me, in my eyes, anyone can and will. I feel I have to fight to have everyone stay in my life. That deep self confidence and security is gone because you robbed me of that. It affects my romantic relationships aswell as my friendships. Im not convinced that people want to be apart of my life. I do and say a lot of things to people I love, a lot of it not very nice things, because deep down you are the root of my problems. I feel like im damaged goods. Like no one will ever want me to be theres because of these issues.

You talk like the damage is done all the time. You talk like your dead and cant do anything to improve the situation. In your mind, a visit once a year along with a facebook messsege every now and then is enough. Its not. Not in the slightest. I dont want to messege you back. Its not right. You could make things better if you wanted too. Ive decided I dont think I want to see you again. Not until you start sacraficing things. You are with an alcoholic, who treats you like shit, who has dumbed you down, who doesnt add value to your life. That is the person you chose over us. So I dont want a bar of it. I dont want to know him, see him, see you. So If you want to see me, you know where to find me. And its not on facebook.

You were the first person to break my heart. Its still broken. You never took the time to mend it. You used words, I needed your actions. I still feel like that little 12 year old girl. Maybe emotionally when it comes to you, I will always be 12years old.

Your Daughter.