BITCHES

I hate girls. Well most of them. CANNOT stand those girls who have nothing better to do then cause drama. Seriously? your 22, not 12. GET A GRIP.
Emotional beings. Ive never understod those girls who thrive off causing shit. Ive never got involved in it. Whenever someone comes my way with that kinda attitude i literally cringe. It makes me feel so uneasy inside. Like a sinking feeling. I think its the smell of evil. Strong stench.
Im torn between turning completely Queen B, And just lettingt he bitch dig her own hole. Which to be honest, is already completely exisitant. So maybe just let her snap her shovel? Who cares. But im going to take the high road baby.
It makes you think about who you chose to invest your time, effort and love into. Its such a hard thing to realise whos worth it and whos not. But for me, First impressions last. Like I know a good bitch when i meet one. If i dont get that feeling, generally speaking it wont turn out too fab. you realise how good of a friend someone will be when you look at there other friends. Do they change friends like there sexual partners? NO GO. Do they bitch about there friends behind there backs? NO GO. And do they say "Hey promise not to tell anyone this, but blah blah did this that and the other" NO GO. Its called a secret for a reason, and if your freely telling other people, then you will tell people my shit. NO MOTHER EFFIN GO.

Anyways. She might read this. DOES CARE.

but all in all im preeeettttyy happy right now. works still lame as a mother. But friends wise (My real ones), boy wise, family wise, everything is swimmingly.

Im also going to be a ghost writer for my mates fashion blog. Which'll be rad. ITS BUSINESS TIMMMMMMME.

OUTTIES

Some of my peices

This is some stuff ive been writing. Some old(2006). Some new(2010).

I literally have about 4 2B5s full of my writing. Im going to start doing more. Start writing songs. The followings going to be REALLY sparatic.

Lets Go:

" I want to have a dream. A dream thats truely mine. To share with you. To succeed with you. To live for you. You will always be mine. How big is this world? And how small am I?"

"I know ive put our life on hold.

Its no wonder its starting to fold.

I love you and know what i gotta do.

I need to readjust and focus on you"

"I need to drop whats unnecessary and look on to the beautiful story"

TITLED- "IF I COULD SAY ANYTHING IT WOULD BE THIS"

- Do you want me or not?

-Do you respect me?

-I think your maturity lacks

-Get serious about stuff

-Would you kiss me in the rain?

-Would you jump into the ocean with me?

-Can you ever be on time?

-Will you make me blush?

-Can we play fight?

-Will you participate in my crazy ideas?

-Wanna get matchine PJs? Even though its kinda gay?

"Not getting serious about things, but not laughing"

"Always love, Have purpose and leave footprints"

"50's. Why isn't everything that way it was in the 50s? Pretty Dresses, Romance, Big cars, Values and freedom"

MY L TO H

"Your going to be the one i walk up the isle too. The one who comes on the Tauranga trips.We are going to have babies. I hope you want an adopted chinese baby girl as well. You will be the most attractive beast my eyes have ever seen. Ill want you all over me. I love the little things. "

"Emotions are wasted on myself, the rain wont last forever. Hearts becoming two halves of the same. throw away the lock and key, come follow me. I keep thinking, am i prepared? What if i do nothing instead? Im split in two. Half me, half you."

"Your love is there, like a night so clear. Out of the dark, you carry my heart. The answers fall like leaves, your love is all I need. So take me, a fallen girl on her knees."

"How can life be so good somedays and so shit the next? Its a rollercoaster that changes pace and gradient sparatically"

"Life is mostly uncontrollable and bad shit comes your way and you cant help it or do anything about it. Its all part of the individual script that is written for us, and if theres parts missing, the story wont make sense"

"I wanna write more songs. Songs about love, life and loss. How cliche' , yet, how relevant. Fuck pop culture, this is real stuff that i feel. I just haunt written it in lyrical form yet"

"I think my image on love has changed. I have never been in it. I hope I haunt cos I didn't pay much attention to it. My view on love used to very innocent and pure and made up of movie ideas, don't get me wrong, its a beautiful image for a girl to have, I just don't think its something i will get in the life that im leading. The lets dance in the rain, and run through the daisy field sort of stuff."

" Why do they call it 'falling in love' Like honestly, falling is not an ideal thing and it sounds like a complete contradiction in front of the words "In love". Just a thought"

Its funny looking over these diaries. they really were written in some of the toughest and greatest moments in my life. I feel like i used to be really intense. Good intense. I miss writing. Just pen meeting papers is a real betch now days. So i just sit on my mac, 2010 child that i am, and type. But i feel conflicted reading my diaries. conflicted to who I was, who I am , and Where im going. Because im sure they will be three very different people.

I gotta go to bed.

But listen to some Anthony Hamilton sometime soon. He's great. And Romantic.

Ps. Would you believe I have never been in love? True story.

CANT SLEEP

I have like the opposite of writers block... All these thoughts ,lines, songs, concept for things are going round and round and round in my freaking head!!! I think i kinda like it though. I wont tomorrow, but I feel creative. And now i'm outting it.

Theres a particular artist that i think has been getting me into this mood. Not going to name names, cos to be honest, its REAL embarrassing/My secret to this mood. I cant stop listening to her, its like crack or somes shit to my creative drought.

BLAB.

Anywho, Ok so this weekend I kinda realised that i am capable of having honest converstations. Not that ive been lying my whole life, not at all, but i guess ive been able to talk about a serious situtation honestly. Its hard, well i find it tricky. I cant even look at someone in there eyes, and i feel like throwing up etc. Especially if its either going to result in that person or myself being hurt. I feel ick. BUT i had one of those convos this weekend with someone, and the result? It felt like a rush for me. Not that im ready to go and have serious, honest conversations with everyone but kinda liberating. Like WOAH i can do this.... Cool.

But this boy... Boys...ugh...boys... Hes about to get one of these conversations. And to be honest, I am petrified. Like could email him what my concerns/questions are, But i know i needa do it in person. And i want to. Ill probley choke and talk about stupid shit like the weather and tell him random stories he really prolly dosnt give a fark about, and then just throw it out there. I will pause heaps, wont be able to look in his eyes/ even at his face, and might , maybe bite my nails. I hate these conversations. And i just have a feel i wont be liberated afterwards.

My concerns at the moment with this whole situation whatever it is, is i truely just dont feel wanted, needed, appreciated etc. and trust me, its not about ego, its not about words. I hate words. I would rather silence and someone do an interprative dance. You get what i mean. Its the actions. I cannot stand someone with words and nothing to back it up. I just kinda feel like is that at the moment. I also feel like in a small way its history repeating. A previous, similar situation comming back to haunt me. Different person, completely different, but i thought the situtation was different. Now i wonder. Question. It just fucks with your security. Its not SO much going to be like "Hey dude, what are we?" I dont feel i need that. Maybe more like "What are we up to? Cos either we are going for something , or we aint. And if we are, dude what the fuck?" Itll prolly go like that. But nicer. Ill be nicer. Cos ill be scared.

UGH. I swear theres like 4 decent men in the whole world. And not one of them is in NZ. Im not saying hes not decent.. ohhhhhhhh ARGH! This boy. Driving me IHC.