Theres a particular artist that i think has been getting me into this mood. Not going to name names, cos to be honest, its REAL embarrassing/My secret to this mood. I cant stop listening to her, its like crack or somes shit to my creative drought.
BLAB.
Anywho, Ok so this weekend I kinda realised that i am capable of having honest converstations. Not that ive been lying my whole life, not at all, but i guess ive been able to talk about a serious situtation honestly. Its hard, well i find it tricky. I cant even look at someone in there eyes, and i feel like throwing up etc. Especially if its either going to result in that person or myself being hurt. I feel ick. BUT i had one of those convos this weekend with someone, and the result? It felt like a rush for me. Not that im ready to go and have serious, honest conversations with everyone but kinda liberating. Like WOAH i can do this.... Cool.
But this boy... Boys...ugh...boys... Hes about to get one of these conversations. And to be honest, I am petrified. Like could email him what my concerns/questions are, But i know i needa do it in person. And i want to. Ill probley choke and talk about stupid shit like the weather and tell him random stories he really prolly dosnt give a fark about, and then just throw it out there. I will pause heaps, wont be able to look in his eyes/ even at his face, and might , maybe bite my nails. I hate these conversations. And i just have a feel i wont be liberated afterwards.
My concerns at the moment with this whole situation whatever it is, is i truely just dont feel wanted, needed, appreciated etc. and trust me, its not about ego, its not about words. I hate words. I would rather silence and someone do an interprative dance. You get what i mean. Its the actions. I cannot stand someone with words and nothing to back it up. I just kinda feel like is that at the moment. I also feel like in a small way its history repeating. A previous, similar situation comming back to haunt me. Different person, completely different, but i thought the situtation was different. Now i wonder. Question. It just fucks with your security. Its not SO much going to be like "Hey dude, what are we?" I dont feel i need that. Maybe more like "What are we up to? Cos either we are going for something , or we aint. And if we are, dude what the fuck?" Itll prolly go like that. But nicer. Ill be nicer. Cos ill be scared.
UGH. I swear theres like 4 decent men in the whole world. And not one of them is in NZ. Im not saying hes not decent.. ohhhhhhhh ARGH! This boy. Driving me IHC.
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