Confessions Part II Usher feat Me.

So weird right. Like I have so much going on in my head, I feel like rushing into a decision and just being black or white etc etc. But I used to always do that. I think its some what distructive. I guess I just hate being inbetween feelings. so confusing.
Like ok. Girls like attention. And Girls are ALL about maintanence.
Girls like to maintain there looks and there relationships. In some ways I feel like girls evolve more then guys. Most men would still be the same or similar to how they were a few years ago, where woman just seem to have the ability to change more often. Maintaining themselves.
Relationships? Inntially I think guys really require and some possibley struggle with finding the confidence to approach women. Once they have that girl, there not that fussed because the hard part has kinda maybe come and gone? Girls? Girls love the innital stage, the whole he text me, he did this, omg he did that, I just want him around all the time, im so in like sort of stage. The innitial shit is the fun stage. Then a guy starts to comfortable, and dosnt put in any work. Men, this is so dangerous. This is the moment that you lose a woman. Both emotionally, you wont be that person that she turns too and physically. A girl needs maintanence. And I am most definitly not talking about an over the top, all the time romance hollywood shit. Most girls would find this over the top, and think your a freak. But every now and then, you gotta do something. You have to make an effort. And If I hear anyone mutter the word money, I will punch you in the lips. Its not about money you douche bag, Its about effort. If you swung past your girlfriends house and was like , "yo woman, get some comfy shoes on where going walking" and you took her on a walk for a couple of hours- no matter where you go- this girl will love it. Because its unexpected and theres some thought behind it. It sounds easy? Thats because It actually is. How are you suppose to walk through hard times, If your not creating good ones? Quality time will be one of every girls love languages. Guarenteed. Notice that it says quality and not quantity? its not about being the 24/7 boyfriend. These days its just not possible to hang out all the time, and to be honest, theres nothing more disgusting then couples who dont have individual lives and there own names. Go hang out with chur friends guuurrrl! But there needs to be that person in the background reminding them that they love them. I can hands down say, that I have had a few men in my life, and I have never had any of them do something special for me. This does make me sad . It also makes me feel insecure, and like maybe Im not worthy of that , because its never happened. But then im like fuck that, this is so unfair! I have done things for these people, nice things, and to not get it in return? Its kinda bullshit. So im not going to do nice things anymore. If I dont start getting something back , Im going to walk. And I wont look back. At all. I kinda realised recently that there are so many more fish in the sea. Usually I meet people and im like "I have it so much better with someone else, fuck off you homeless person" but lately Ive actually met a lot of cool guys. I mean im not about to quit this for that. But It did make me realise that there ARE plenty of fish in the sea. So smarten up your act dude, and maybe one day when you grow up you will realise. Bare in mind that by the time this happens, I will be fabulous and with someone who treats me amazingly and because you made me realise what I DONT want. Mean while, you will be old (because your stupid and only just figured it out later on) and with someone who you dont really wanna be with, and you will be thinking about how if only you had sorted your shit out sooner and realised how good you had it with me. So please, enjoy that.

Wary

I sometimes hesitate before I start writing in this thing. Looking back over my entries I can see the posts where Im at peace, and have had time to think about what I want to write verses the entries where I am full blown emotion, straight into it, not holding back , I dont give a cows tit who sees what Im writing - ( Cows tit? How Kiwi).
I do wonder what would people would think if they were to read these posts. That scares me. Because in no way am I a simple human being, with simple needs, and lead a simple life. Im just not. Im not going to sit here and pretend im basic. Im far from it. Im a girl. We are all the same. And I take sanity in the fact that this is the case. But I wonder sometimes if it is too much for someone to handle. Admittedly no one has this address that would condem me. Well hopefully not. I doubt anyone even really reads this. Which I am more then ok with , thats what it was designed for. It would be kinda cool, if when I died, that this remained, and that anyone would be able to stumble across it, and then I would be worth more dead then alive? Actually that would mostly suck. I wanna be worth more alive so I can enjoy it- ANYWAY. Sidetracked.
I just think that if anyone was to know the inner thoughts that people have, it would really put us off each other. Im not talking, sick and perverted thoughts (thats just issues) but Im talking the little comebacks that you have in your mind, the little judgements, how you really feel about yourself and other people and the situations. I am scared to say somethings outloud just incase they are used against me. Because naturally people get annoyed when you say one thing and do another. I know I do. So for me? I stay silent most of the time. Theres certain things that I dont even write in this also, because I do fear that people will read it and seceretly hold it against me. Which dissapointing people, or If I feel like I have to do something to stop someone from being annoyed at me - really pisses me off.

Hailing.

Im sitting on my couch watching my deck feel pathetic.
Its bucketing down with hail, and it looks so pretty on my deck and I feel like such a sooky bitch. But I feel so lonely. I was watching 'Going the distance' Dvd, and I cried twice. I have no idea why im so emotional at the moment. I was watching this movie, and seeing the typical movie/hollywood love and I cried because I feel like I will never have that or I dont deserve to have that. I once apon a time wished for that, and now I kinda feel like im being made to feel like I shouldnt expect that. Its un reasonable to have that all the time, I realize that. It would just be nice for someone to tell me that they appreciate me and how they truly felt about me. Sober. I wish that on this night, where the weather is so disgusting, that there would be someone wanting to share it with me. Reality check? I don't. I havn't even heard from the one that is suppose to be wanting to do that. Guess that means the want isn't really there. This. Feels. Awesome.
Right now I just feel unworthy and very lonely and hurting. I wish so badly that my happiness relied solely on myself, But I don't think anyone can remain unaffected by how people treat them- regardless.

Ive had a bit of a reflection on somethings.
I wonder if Im stuck on what was and not what is now? Like the idea that it would go back to the way it was but better?
I once apon a time had some qualities that I want to get back and that I want given back to me.
Like where I would do something for anyone and not expect anything back? And then whats happened since then ? I feel like some people have taken advantage of this and inch by inch this willingness to do things for people is going away. I want to be generous. I do.
Im a firm believer in its not what you do when people are looking that defines who you are, its what you do when no ones looking.
Sometimes I do feel like im ruined goods, like when you feel like lifes thrown you some pretty crazy changing things, and you wonder how you are ever suppose to grow in the right way when you feel like your experiences are shaping you to go the other way. It kinda feels like your just a dummy and no matter how hard you try not to be pulled in one direction, you really have no choice anyway? Its hard not to just give up and let yourself be taken advantage of. When do I put my foot down and say "this is me being generous" verses "No i wont do that because Im being taken advantage of". I do desire to be that person who gives and dosnt expect anything back, I do desire to be that person who is recongnised for doing these things, but someone wouldnt dream of taking advantage but instead would freely give back also. Tough line to draw.

Lets talk because yesterday is exactly the same as today.

And im not ok with that.
Firstly, fine. If you dont want to be with me, can you please just come out and say it? Because im not going to say 'I really dont care' but I just want to know rather then not. But you say but then you dont say that you are "busy" and its not "personal" and I need to stop being a "physco" and then we laugh it off but all the while you kind of make me feel guilty for even having those thoughts? Yeah . Well ive kind of taken this pill this morning. And its really going to help me in our situation. And when I say "me" I mean "me" . Because lets be honest, you clearly take that pill more then me. And thats called a "fuck you, im doing me pill" . Yes, Im angry. Yes, Im upset. Yes, You have hurt my feelings. Like when you said sorry over the weekend if you had ever treated me badley? Sorry aint shit without action. So take your sorry, and shove it back down your oesophagus. Look, I love you. But I really dont want to be taken advantage of. Ive already told you that you ignoring me, when I can clearly see that you have time to make contact with other people actually hurts my feelings. It feels personal. And this week, people have been directly rude to me and mean to me because its me, and you of all people should probs care how my week went and not do the same. But you dont. And the funny thing is? I bet if I bought this up with you , you wouldnt even say sorry, you would get angry and turn it around on me. Thanks in advance.

Over thinking my thoughts that have already been over thought by some over thinking

Good freakin' Lord. I am one complicated human being. I always think that Im the biggest worryier, the biggest 'reader inner' to things, the biggest freak ever. I hate more then anything being like this. All girls are. I just pride myself on not being like every other girl. I guess the chromosomes plays a huge part to blame. DAMN IT SCIENCE! Must we be so emotional? I think all girls are the same in this respect. And if any girl tells you different- shes a man.

Take the most recent example in my life. My ex boyfriend. He just loves making features in this place dosnt he?! Fuck my life. So we have been good. We still overstep the line of friends and more then friends, but I know whats up. I of course still love him and have feelings for him. So I know, I know. I am looking like a REAL idiot right now. I have said up until this point, that I am open to dating or meeting people etc. Ive come to realise that maybe Im not. Just yet. Or ever. havnt decided. But I have seen this guy a couple of times, and man he just pissed me off. Ive kinda had the following thoughts about it;

- we are just NOT right for each other

- I dont like being chased (thats not a normal girl thing)

-I dont like being asked a lot of questions

- Im not ready for anyone

- Im not ready for him

- Im still inlove with someone else therefore no one else measures

- I will never be in love with anyone else

- Fear of being inlove and it turning to shit

- The order in which things with this person happened isnt right

- I cant be bothered

Boys are such a hassell. I honestly dont have the energy. After my ex takes up all my energy (Hes blissfully unaware no doubt), I feel exhausted. I cannot even deal with this other one thats proving to be fairly full on. I dont want to be with someone for the sake of being with someone. Why do I still hold hope for me and my ex?? I know im being foolish. I know. The only person who truefully knows about this stuff, who wont judge me is my best friend. Only because shes in the same prediciment. We actually just look at each other and are like "where idiots right?" in agreence"yup". That is so true. How come I cant quit it? I still want him in my life, and we both have talked about having babies one day, hes said he sees himself with me oneday. blah blah. What happened to my boss bitch side? fuck my life. Seriously. I need to get away from it all. Im thinking about deleting my facebook, and throwing away my phone. In all seriousness. More so around my facebook, not so much my phone- that bad boy cost money honey!

I guess I just ideally would want the following:

= For my ex to turn around and say that he has pulled his act together and he wants to be with me.
= For the person I am meant to be with to come along, and we dont have to go through the dating stage, but go through the cute is he into me? Omg hes my boyfriend, holy shit im in love. WHAT. A . CATCH. Stage.

peace x

Give .It . Too. Me . Now.