Ive had a bit of a reflection on somethings.
I wonder if Im stuck on what was and not what is now? Like the idea that it would go back to the way it was but better?
I once apon a time had some qualities that I want to get back and that I want given back to me.
Like where I would do something for anyone and not expect anything back? And then whats happened since then ? I feel like some people have taken advantage of this and inch by inch this willingness to do things for people is going away. I want to be generous. I do.
Im a firm believer in its not what you do when people are looking that defines who you are, its what you do when no ones looking.
Sometimes I do feel like im ruined goods, like when you feel like lifes thrown you some pretty crazy changing things, and you wonder how you are ever suppose to grow in the right way when you feel like your experiences are shaping you to go the other way. It kinda feels like your just a dummy and no matter how hard you try not to be pulled in one direction, you really have no choice anyway? Its hard not to just give up and let yourself be taken advantage of. When do I put my foot down and say "this is me being generous" verses "No i wont do that because Im being taken advantage of". I do desire to be that person who gives and dosnt expect anything back, I do desire to be that person who is recongnised for doing these things, but someone wouldnt dream of taking advantage but instead would freely give back also. Tough line to draw.