So I had 8 people from Russia view this blog last month?! weird.... Cool though.

I havnt posted in forever. I am completely aware of this. Who cares about even justifying.  I looked over this blog recently and going back over all my posts. I always thought that this was good therapy and it probably is. But I dont think its good to read back over it. Those feelings were so real at that time, and written in the heat of the emotion. When I go back and read them, it takes me right back to that feeling. It feels kinda awful . Its almost harmful going back and reading these things. Especially about him. I read back over these things, and I think I add it to my current feelings. If they arent good feelings, it sure does fuel the fire.

So to that person, who causes me these emotions, because im feeling some pretty strong ones right now, Im going to vent in the moment of this emotion of uncertainty.

Here I am again, giving you the spotlight thats maybe undeserved. Strong words? Strong Emotions- Honey.

Where.The.Fuck.Did.She.Go?
Whos she? Oh thats who I once was.
That person who would give the middle finger to any fucker who treated me the way I didnt see fit. My ill feelings towards love are because I dont know where this person is. Is this what love is about? Becoming so weak that your forced to compromise? I dont want a bar of that. Its almost like this person that you love has to become a rideoff because you have no idea how to be who you once were, around them. You only know who you have become in there presense. Or in my case, lack of.
This paragraph has stuff to do with how I am in this situation, nothing to do with you.
But ill get to you - Honey.
How does anyone know what love is suppose to be like? It seems like a peice of shit to me. It really is like a drug. When its good, its good. This is when you are on it. When your off it, its shit and this withdrawal symptoms suck. Lonliness, unhapiness and uncertainty.
Uncertainty? LOL , you said to me 6 months ago, that you needed time to think about us. And that you felt like you wanted to be with me. But you needed a bit of time to think about it. QUOTE "Im not saying its going to be six months down the track, I just need a bit of time". Oh hi, who is that? Oh its six months knocking at my door, welcome.
Im too scared to be honest with you. Im scared to ask, incase I dont like the answer. Im scared to be honest incase I hurt your feelings. Im too scared to be honest, because im scared ill make you mad. We dont see each other that often so I dont want to bring up something that makes it awkward or a fight.
Want to know what I tell myself ? That if I always pretend like im cool with things, even though im dying on the inside, maybe you will want to be with me.
Wanna know something else? When I slept with someone 3 weeks after we broke up, and you bought it up later on, wanna know what I never told you? That I didnt want to do it with that person anymore within the first 3minutes of it happening. But I felt like I had to continue because it was rude. All I could think about was you, and then the otherside is I felt rude towards this person who was in my bed. Where did MY feelings come into that? They didnt. I forgot that I have never said that to you.

You can ignore me so easy, and have nothing to do with me so easily. I feel like someones ripping my heart in half. Its so confusing. I feel completely weak. The times that I have had stregnth to walk, and Ive told you this is it for me. You cry. And you say you dont want that to happen, and can I please give you time. And then you say to me, although you can be an asshole and you pretend like it dosnt affect you, but it does.

I feel like the only compromise is on my part. You are tolerant of me, sometimes. But im the one compromising. Like when I asked you ideally what you want me to do, you said "wait for me". Theres a part of me that completely has. Otherwise I wouldnt be writing these things. Even though I like to think im not. Maybe its the idea of us that keeps me going.

Theres this part of me that completely believes in love. Not even the fairytale kind, just the real, both in it to win it, love. The love where I dont have to be scared to have an issue. Where I dont always have to appear like im so secure. Where I dont have to pretend like I dont care about shit. Where actions match words. Where someone seems like they want to hang out with me, not where they feel like the have to because its been a while. The kind of love where im spoilt. Not with materialistic things, but just with everything that love should be about. Im covered in it by this person.

Reading back over this, and "Proof" reading it, I realize how pathetic I am. How I really am weak. How it only entails this emotion at this point in time. How It dosnt say that we are completely silly together, how we have picked each others noses, how we can tell how each others moods with just a look, what we do for each other on our birthdays, how when we hold hands in the car and I ask you if you want your hand back, and you say "No, I got this" , how we will always love each other, how we both see our futures together, how our communication (despite the above) has gotten a million times better and how happy we make each other when the times are good..
I also havnt mentioned that Im back on the pill. And I feel completely out of my mind emotional, irrational and paranoid.

This is just such a mess it seems. I wonder if the obvious desision really is just that - obvious.  I think because of the uncertainity surrounding this situation, I crave something concrete. No wonder Im insecure, I dont have anyhting to be secure in. Just words that were once said.