My brain is honestly packed. I have so much on my mind at the moment. Im getting terrible sleep majority of the nights. Just fecking exhausted really. Theres a few things bothering me, and things that I want to talk to people about. I just cant while im in this mind frame. Especially because I really dont know what Im seeking by having these conversations. I just dont wanna make any rash choices whilst in this hot mess.
Everything from Finances to my like life to my flat life is bugging/on my mind at the moment.
V. Annoying.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 22, 2010
Remember the time?
I remember when I met you I thought you were the hottest thing I had seen.
Then you txt me asking to see me again, and you made me nervous.
Petone will always remind me of you.
You were the ideal handbag to carry around, always getting compliments on your looks.
I hated your jealousy and rage.
You bought up babies with me way too soon. Although they wouldve been cute, like you said.
When I first saw you naked, my jaw dropped. Your body was flawless.
You wanted to take me overseas with you.
You were a dreamer, and so was I . But I was dreaming if I thought we would ever work.
You couldnt keep your hands off me.
You ended up repulsing me, and then I dumped your ass at the top of mt vic. And you keep texting me almost hourly for the next two weeks after that? I remember that time.
I remember when I met you, I was into your friend .
You were all tattooed up, and looked like you were all in a band or you guys were old school skaters.
I went bathroom in front of you, and you were impressed, you said I was unlike any other girl you had met.
You wanted me to stay with you, but I said I wasnt boning you.
You were a bit akward, and not a very good kisser.
You were also white, which was weird for me.
Every night you would ask me to stay over.
I remember the way you would stroke my back when I was sitting naked at the end of your bed.
You had sivere issues with your called off engagement.
Your paintings were pretty good.
I loved your tattoo sleeve.
I said it wouldnt be a good idea for us to continue because of the issues, you said you were willing to work through them if I was.
I said no. I remember that time.
When I first met you, I didnt even care to notice you.
The second time I met you, you got my number.
My friends hated you from get go.
I was impressed by your dress sense , also your music and fashion knowledge.
You had huge dreams, but no practicality.
You were like a big little kid.
I thought it was cute that you had candy bars in your glove box.
I remember when you were on my cross trainer with a helmet and in your undies, I thought you were weird.
You were the best person thats ever spooned me.
You made me feel safe when I was around you.
I loved how you told me that I was the most well dressed girl in Wellington.
Up at the prison that time, when you said that you would die instead of me.
You never hesitated to introduce me to your Mum.
Id hear from you non-stop for a month, then nothing at all for two weeks.
You would show up at my house, tap on my window and sneek into my window so my Papa wouldnt hear.
When I was hung over, you would get me anything I wanted, but I wouldnt even touch it.
You slept with my friend behind my back.
You also said that you use "bitches" , but would never do that too me. But you did.
And that time I saw you hooking up with a girl right in front of my face? And then I quit you? Yeah..... I remember that time.
When I first met you, I didnt really know what I thought of you.
You text me the next day, and I still have that messege.
You had your hand on my leg one time, and told me you were sorta seeing someone.
I remember I removed your hand. I backed off.
You text me a month later, asking to hang out. I accepted.
At our first "hang out", I came away just thinking it would be a friendship. That was ok with me.
I remember when you first kissed me, but you wouldnt. You were drunk.
Things were up and down back and fourth for quite sometime after that.
You have super gentle eyes.
You are well dressed , attractive and smart.
I remember when I would put jellybeans in your mouth and you would have to guess the flavour.
Everything is banter between us.
I like holding your hand, and kissing you the most out of the past.
I was comfortable around you, but became someone I wasnt emotionally.
I wish I could turn back time.
Like when we drove to the beach and you told me you didnt want to be with me anymore.
I remember that time.
Then you txt me asking to see me again, and you made me nervous.
Petone will always remind me of you.
You were the ideal handbag to carry around, always getting compliments on your looks.
I hated your jealousy and rage.
You bought up babies with me way too soon. Although they wouldve been cute, like you said.
When I first saw you naked, my jaw dropped. Your body was flawless.
You wanted to take me overseas with you.
You were a dreamer, and so was I . But I was dreaming if I thought we would ever work.
You couldnt keep your hands off me.
You ended up repulsing me, and then I dumped your ass at the top of mt vic. And you keep texting me almost hourly for the next two weeks after that? I remember that time.
I remember when I met you, I was into your friend .
You were all tattooed up, and looked like you were all in a band or you guys were old school skaters.
I went bathroom in front of you, and you were impressed, you said I was unlike any other girl you had met.
You wanted me to stay with you, but I said I wasnt boning you.
You were a bit akward, and not a very good kisser.
You were also white, which was weird for me.
Every night you would ask me to stay over.
I remember the way you would stroke my back when I was sitting naked at the end of your bed.
You had sivere issues with your called off engagement.
Your paintings were pretty good.
I loved your tattoo sleeve.
I said it wouldnt be a good idea for us to continue because of the issues, you said you were willing to work through them if I was.
I said no. I remember that time.
When I first met you, I didnt even care to notice you.
The second time I met you, you got my number.
My friends hated you from get go.
I was impressed by your dress sense , also your music and fashion knowledge.
You had huge dreams, but no practicality.
You were like a big little kid.
I thought it was cute that you had candy bars in your glove box.
I remember when you were on my cross trainer with a helmet and in your undies, I thought you were weird.
You were the best person thats ever spooned me.
You made me feel safe when I was around you.
I loved how you told me that I was the most well dressed girl in Wellington.
Up at the prison that time, when you said that you would die instead of me.
You never hesitated to introduce me to your Mum.
Id hear from you non-stop for a month, then nothing at all for two weeks.
You would show up at my house, tap on my window and sneek into my window so my Papa wouldnt hear.
When I was hung over, you would get me anything I wanted, but I wouldnt even touch it.
You slept with my friend behind my back.
You also said that you use "bitches" , but would never do that too me. But you did.
And that time I saw you hooking up with a girl right in front of my face? And then I quit you? Yeah..... I remember that time.
When I first met you, I didnt really know what I thought of you.
You text me the next day, and I still have that messege.
You had your hand on my leg one time, and told me you were sorta seeing someone.
I remember I removed your hand. I backed off.
You text me a month later, asking to hang out. I accepted.
At our first "hang out", I came away just thinking it would be a friendship. That was ok with me.
I remember when you first kissed me, but you wouldnt. You were drunk.
Things were up and down back and fourth for quite sometime after that.
You have super gentle eyes.
You are well dressed , attractive and smart.
I remember when I would put jellybeans in your mouth and you would have to guess the flavour.
Everything is banter between us.
I like holding your hand, and kissing you the most out of the past.
I was comfortable around you, but became someone I wasnt emotionally.
I wish I could turn back time.
Like when we drove to the beach and you told me you didnt want to be with me anymore.
I remember that time.
Monday, November 15, 2010
unbelievable
"Rejected at birth by her mother, she battled bone cancer as a toddler, had a leg amputated aged five, lost her hearing during chemotherapy and at eight was uprooted from her home in Queensland to North Carolina so her father could be with a woman he met on the internet" Both her Dad and Her Dads GF are suspects of her murder.
This story that is about a little girl named Zahra is crazy. That poor little girl. Honestly, how much can one person take. Firstly, I mean I get that her Mum would be upset, but she basically gave her little child away at birth to the Dad, who then after she got cancer, lost a leg, and her hearing was shifted to a foreign country so he could pursue his internet girlfriend. Ummmm , Maybe stop being selfish motherfuckers, you have a child. She went missing. The police found her prostetic leg, and her hearing aid and have since found one of her bones. So not only was she murdered , she was absolutely butchered. Apparently the GF has been arrested for forging a fake ransom note. This is where I am soooo pro death penalty. I can only hope that North Carolina apply this law. No one deserves a second chance if you are capable of this. If that was my child, I would literally commit a murder myself, Riiiiight on that person who took my babies life. Its just so sad. So sad. Ugh, my heart actually feels heavy thinking about this, and I feel like I could cry over it. I know that sad shit happens daily/hourly/minutely, but gees this story is really awful. It just sounds like no one was willing to make this little girl a priority. It makes me wish I couldve grabbed her and hugged her and made her feel safe and made her my priority. Children need that. To feel safe and loved. I want to punch the dad in the face, the mum in the vagina and the rest of her family in the stomache.
It makes me want to just go home to my families house and cuddle my sibilings.
Thats enough for now, this is too awful for words.
This story that is about a little girl named Zahra is crazy. That poor little girl. Honestly, how much can one person take. Firstly, I mean I get that her Mum would be upset, but she basically gave her little child away at birth to the Dad, who then after she got cancer, lost a leg, and her hearing was shifted to a foreign country so he could pursue his internet girlfriend. Ummmm , Maybe stop being selfish motherfuckers, you have a child. She went missing. The police found her prostetic leg, and her hearing aid and have since found one of her bones. So not only was she murdered , she was absolutely butchered. Apparently the GF has been arrested for forging a fake ransom note. This is where I am soooo pro death penalty. I can only hope that North Carolina apply this law. No one deserves a second chance if you are capable of this. If that was my child, I would literally commit a murder myself, Riiiiight on that person who took my babies life. Its just so sad. So sad. Ugh, my heart actually feels heavy thinking about this, and I feel like I could cry over it. I know that sad shit happens daily/hourly/minutely, but gees this story is really awful. It just sounds like no one was willing to make this little girl a priority. It makes me wish I couldve grabbed her and hugged her and made her feel safe and made her my priority. Children need that. To feel safe and loved. I want to punch the dad in the face, the mum in the vagina and the rest of her family in the stomache.
It makes me want to just go home to my families house and cuddle my sibilings.
Thats enough for now, this is too awful for words.
Blind As A Bat
Im not really. If at all. But im going on a blind date.
WEIRD. Am being set up by someone I know. Kinda hesitant. I love dating though. Like its so akward, and I honestly dont think you get to know someone properly for quite sometime. But you get the general gist I guess. Ive never wanted to go on a second date with anyone that Ive been on a date with. I dont know why I like it then. I just think its fun and exciting having a crush.
Hes 22, a professional , nearly 6ft, part Maori, funny. These are all "apparentlies" though. I shall be the judge of these things. haha. I saw a photo, cute..
I almost cringe when I think about someone new comming onto the scene. Cos lord, my friends are so weird and full on. Mind you, If that person can handle me, surely they can handle more people like me right? maybbbbbbbbbbes not. Anyway, Just a date.
Am I ready???? Will find out.
My friend is like " I think its just what you need" shes also the friend who encouraged me to bone, and that didnt turn out so great. I think shes just really wanting me to move on to the next. Shes also set me up on a date before, and fuck me, no go. I was like "what the fuck bro?!?!" But im pretty sure this guys more of a keeper then the other. I always get nervous dating a wellingtonian though. Everyone knows everyone. And Im scared he either knows someone ive boned, or someone I hate, or someone who hates me... oh well. Guess ill find out in time. I said I would rather not go on a "Date date" cos its ... yeah.. I dunno, Id like to meet him first and decide from there. Hes apparently going to be given my number soon, which will work out amazing, cos I have no credit. But I said to my friend to just give it to him, and if he txts me, then thats a good thing. I dont have to txt back . Gawsh, rude... haha.
Im going to go home, have dinner, facebook stalk him, and watch Jersey Shore. haha.
WEIRD. Am being set up by someone I know. Kinda hesitant. I love dating though. Like its so akward, and I honestly dont think you get to know someone properly for quite sometime. But you get the general gist I guess. Ive never wanted to go on a second date with anyone that Ive been on a date with. I dont know why I like it then. I just think its fun and exciting having a crush.
Hes 22, a professional , nearly 6ft, part Maori, funny. These are all "apparentlies" though. I shall be the judge of these things. haha. I saw a photo, cute..
I almost cringe when I think about someone new comming onto the scene. Cos lord, my friends are so weird and full on. Mind you, If that person can handle me, surely they can handle more people like me right? maybbbbbbbbbbes not. Anyway, Just a date.
Am I ready???? Will find out.
My friend is like " I think its just what you need" shes also the friend who encouraged me to bone, and that didnt turn out so great. I think shes just really wanting me to move on to the next. Shes also set me up on a date before, and fuck me, no go. I was like "what the fuck bro?!?!" But im pretty sure this guys more of a keeper then the other. I always get nervous dating a wellingtonian though. Everyone knows everyone. And Im scared he either knows someone ive boned, or someone I hate, or someone who hates me... oh well. Guess ill find out in time. I said I would rather not go on a "Date date" cos its ... yeah.. I dunno, Id like to meet him first and decide from there. Hes apparently going to be given my number soon, which will work out amazing, cos I have no credit. But I said to my friend to just give it to him, and if he txts me, then thats a good thing. I dont have to txt back . Gawsh, rude... haha.
Im going to go home, have dinner, facebook stalk him, and watch Jersey Shore. haha.
Grinding my bones
And not in a sexual way. I literally am livid. Im so fucking angry. I could literally kill a man right now. The littlest things bother me at the moment. Maybe I am extremely tired.
Firstly, I hate how people have the ability to disappoint you. They are not put in my life to do that. I know its human nature and the amount of disappoint I allow myself to feel is up to me. But sometimes im just like COMMON?!?! are you joking?
one) My flat mates are currently FUCKING me off. From stealing things from my room (AKA using my laptop when i have NOT deemed it) , to stealing food and flat out denying it, to being all about parties and then fucking off to go have sex with someone, to not even showing up at all. Honestly, I see why people live alone. I wanna be in my own place. Its soooo annoying.
ACtually thats pretty much all im fucked off about.
Sunday, November 14, 2010
On the mind
A few things that are bothering me. I really didnt think or know if this was ever going too, but it kind of is.
Basically, me and my ex have been hanging out a bit. And its super fun. I totally enjoy his company. I have my moments I guess. I have those moments where Im like 'yeah I can so do this friends only thing' and thats all I will see him as. Then I will have those moments where im like 'maybe this isnt a good idea'. I think the reason I feel both these ways is because I feel up and down ,back and fourth as to whether or not I am over him. I feel that everytime I go to touch him, I am completely aware of how I am touching him. We are both playful towards each other, and the banter has never stopped, which is nice, then whats banter and whats flirting? It is both of our humor types, I dont feel I have that kinda banter with my other friends though.
Then when we get drunk, Its a whole other story. And I really dont mean to read into things when people are drunk, and I tend not too do this with him. And It hasnt affected me up until now. But honestly, we are still kissing etc when drunk, then the next day, its like a switch has been flicked. I feel like he becomes almost cold towards me and I can kinda feel his regret/wanting to make a point that it was just a drunken thing and we are still very much friends.. Its silent yes, but also kinda loud. I guess that side of it hurts a bit. Im not sitting here saying that I completely know what I want, and its him, or its not him, I dont know, I really dont know. I do know that I like certian aspects of how things are, and there are certain things that I find uncomfortable. Maybe I do miss the affection from him, And so when we get drunk ,its nice, and then the next day its taken away. I do like him as a person, not just the affection. Then there is also the fact that I feel like I fucked up the relationship. I feel like I became a person who I most definitly am not. I dont think I would make that mistake again. This isnt a "take me back" plea. I wont ever do that. I wont convince anyone to do that. But sidenote, if things were to go back on, it would be a different relationship. I would be different. I wouldnt tell him this, because it would come across like im justifying it. Which I dont wanna be doing. Just me knowing is enough for whoever puts a ring on it next.
I havent talked to anyone about this. Actually no one. I havnt really said how its making me feel, because It hasnt bothered me, and I wouldnt call it a bother. Its just on my end, Its just hard to switch from one to the other in a matter of hours. I mean obviously my friends can see whats going on, because they can see us kissing, but if my friends bring it up with me, Im just like "meh I dont really care right now" and they leave it. I have a couple of friends who are wishing that things would work out for us both. Not that it really matters, peoples opinions and what not, because there not in it.
I feel like a huge hypocrite. I have hooked up with someone else, yet I would be pretty gutted if he did. I guess its because I did it, and I dont want to do it again. Not that it is the choice that he should make to not do anything with anyone, I just know that it would upset me heaps. Which goes back to the point if I am over it or not.
All a bit messy and up in the air at the moment. I dont feel like its anything I want to discuss with anyone to be honest. Not even him. I dont think its anything me or him can promise not too do, like not to be affectionate towards each other when we are drunk, because where drunk and theres not really any reasoning with drunk situations. So I guess its just a day by day thing. I do miss kisses being on tap. I think I like that part of a relationship alot.
Thats all for now I guess.
Basically, me and my ex have been hanging out a bit. And its super fun. I totally enjoy his company. I have my moments I guess. I have those moments where Im like 'yeah I can so do this friends only thing' and thats all I will see him as. Then I will have those moments where im like 'maybe this isnt a good idea'. I think the reason I feel both these ways is because I feel up and down ,back and fourth as to whether or not I am over him. I feel that everytime I go to touch him, I am completely aware of how I am touching him. We are both playful towards each other, and the banter has never stopped, which is nice, then whats banter and whats flirting? It is both of our humor types, I dont feel I have that kinda banter with my other friends though.
Then when we get drunk, Its a whole other story. And I really dont mean to read into things when people are drunk, and I tend not too do this with him. And It hasnt affected me up until now. But honestly, we are still kissing etc when drunk, then the next day, its like a switch has been flicked. I feel like he becomes almost cold towards me and I can kinda feel his regret/wanting to make a point that it was just a drunken thing and we are still very much friends.. Its silent yes, but also kinda loud. I guess that side of it hurts a bit. Im not sitting here saying that I completely know what I want, and its him, or its not him, I dont know, I really dont know. I do know that I like certian aspects of how things are, and there are certain things that I find uncomfortable. Maybe I do miss the affection from him, And so when we get drunk ,its nice, and then the next day its taken away. I do like him as a person, not just the affection. Then there is also the fact that I feel like I fucked up the relationship. I feel like I became a person who I most definitly am not. I dont think I would make that mistake again. This isnt a "take me back" plea. I wont ever do that. I wont convince anyone to do that. But sidenote, if things were to go back on, it would be a different relationship. I would be different. I wouldnt tell him this, because it would come across like im justifying it. Which I dont wanna be doing. Just me knowing is enough for whoever puts a ring on it next.
I havent talked to anyone about this. Actually no one. I havnt really said how its making me feel, because It hasnt bothered me, and I wouldnt call it a bother. Its just on my end, Its just hard to switch from one to the other in a matter of hours. I mean obviously my friends can see whats going on, because they can see us kissing, but if my friends bring it up with me, Im just like "meh I dont really care right now" and they leave it. I have a couple of friends who are wishing that things would work out for us both. Not that it really matters, peoples opinions and what not, because there not in it.
I feel like a huge hypocrite. I have hooked up with someone else, yet I would be pretty gutted if he did. I guess its because I did it, and I dont want to do it again. Not that it is the choice that he should make to not do anything with anyone, I just know that it would upset me heaps. Which goes back to the point if I am over it or not.
All a bit messy and up in the air at the moment. I dont feel like its anything I want to discuss with anyone to be honest. Not even him. I dont think its anything me or him can promise not too do, like not to be affectionate towards each other when we are drunk, because where drunk and theres not really any reasoning with drunk situations. So I guess its just a day by day thing. I do miss kisses being on tap. I think I like that part of a relationship alot.
Thats all for now I guess.
Tuesday, November 9, 2010
Concrete Jungle Where My Dreams Are Made Of..
NEW YORKUS.
I am going there next year. Got to start saving.
I really dont know how long I will be going for. Or where Ill be living. Or even how to get a fucking Visa. I will learn SO much from this process. Im going with my cousin. Shes finished her photography Degree and we are off on an adventure. I cannot wait. Probs going to go for about 2-3months over Summer time (NZ summer, NY winter) . White Christmas, hopefully.
Shes got some contacts in NY and just emailed to tell me shes got another one with someone who is the head of a design company there. HOLLA. So cool . Im such a proud cousin. I will probley be a hospo bitch, or a prostitute or something classy like that. Because lets be honest, those reallllly are the only options. Or maybe ill hit up my gals Kim and Kourt and see if I can get a job doing ANYTHING at Dash NY. Or Maybe Jay-Z and see if he needs someone to polish his shoes hourly. Clearly, the oppertunities are endless in NY. And Im assuming the moment I land in the US, I will meet famous people, and therefore become famous myself.
I wanna go to a baseball game, a basketball game, I want to see black people, I want to have a NY hotdog and Pizza, I want to drink cidar in central park, I want to go to underground Jazz clubs, I wanna catch the ferry everywhere, I wanna hail a cab, stand in time square, go to art galleries, Statue of liberty, go visit Jersey (apparently its a shiiiiiit hole according to Chelsea lately, but maybe for a day trip, pretend im on Jersey shore?), defs take a trip to the ATL, LA , Miami and Vegas. Its a MUUUUUSSSST. I also want to make as many friends as possible, play chess on the streets in Queens (safety depending), Find little dingey/rad/odd places and make them my regular whatever, go to madison square garden , go to a concert, watch a broadway show, find the best coffee in the city, read the NY times over breakfast, go to a fashion show, ........... The list could go . Im so thrilled. Its basically a huggggge part of my life that im looking foward too. SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! YIP.
I am going there next year. Got to start saving.
I really dont know how long I will be going for. Or where Ill be living. Or even how to get a fucking Visa. I will learn SO much from this process. Im going with my cousin. Shes finished her photography Degree and we are off on an adventure. I cannot wait. Probs going to go for about 2-3months over Summer time (NZ summer, NY winter) . White Christmas, hopefully.
Shes got some contacts in NY and just emailed to tell me shes got another one with someone who is the head of a design company there. HOLLA. So cool . Im such a proud cousin. I will probley be a hospo bitch, or a prostitute or something classy like that. Because lets be honest, those reallllly are the only options. Or maybe ill hit up my gals Kim and Kourt and see if I can get a job doing ANYTHING at Dash NY. Or Maybe Jay-Z and see if he needs someone to polish his shoes hourly. Clearly, the oppertunities are endless in NY. And Im assuming the moment I land in the US, I will meet famous people, and therefore become famous myself.
I wanna go to a baseball game, a basketball game, I want to see black people, I want to have a NY hotdog and Pizza, I want to drink cidar in central park, I want to go to underground Jazz clubs, I wanna catch the ferry everywhere, I wanna hail a cab, stand in time square, go to art galleries, Statue of liberty, go visit Jersey (apparently its a shiiiiiit hole according to Chelsea lately, but maybe for a day trip, pretend im on Jersey shore?), defs take a trip to the ATL, LA , Miami and Vegas. Its a MUUUUUSSSST. I also want to make as many friends as possible, play chess on the streets in Queens (safety depending), Find little dingey/rad/odd places and make them my regular whatever, go to madison square garden , go to a concert, watch a broadway show, find the best coffee in the city, read the NY times over breakfast, go to a fashion show, ........... The list could go . Im so thrilled. Its basically a huggggge part of my life that im looking foward too. SOOOOO EXCITED!!!!!!!!!!! YIP.
Babies.
I dont want them anytime v.soon. But hopefully its on the agenda in the next 5 years. And if I got preggos right now, I would cry non stop. WRAP IT UP PEOPLE!!
But I do find myself getting clucky.
I have most of my thoughts when I am lying in bed a night, Sitting on the bus alone listening to music thinking im on 8mile or something, Or just generally chilling by myself.
I got thinking the other night, the things that I would do with my baby when God gives me one. I remember what my Mum used to do with me, and theres a few things that I will most definitly do with my child. Most of them dont even involve money. Im probs going to be a reeeaaaalllll crazy Mum. They will always want to go to there friends house, rather then there friends come to ours. haha. BUT they are the following:
- Go to a park and feed the ducks (Hates birds, but for dont want to pass this onto the child... )
- Have picnics on the beach and build sandcastles
- Go for drives and just pick a song that both me and my child know, and just drive around and sing REAAAALLLLY loudley and toot the horn at randoms (When I drive around roundabouts, I will continue to go around and around and around and around)
- Go to the library and read books together
- Star Gaze, and make up what the stars look like, then have my child tell me a story around what they are seeing.
- Do ALOT of puzzles.
- Have my child (IF its a girl) do my hair and make up and we will play dress ups and have a tea party,bake and make jewllery out of pasta and be fabulous together.
- Probs get there ears peirced behind my partners back.
- Go to the toy library.
- Visit the grandparents on both sides as much as possible
- Do gardening together
- Build forts out of sheets and the couches and pretend where camping.
- Play with pretend instruments and pretend we are in a band. Lights off. Jumping crazy around the house.
these things are like secretly what I want to do every day of my life. But my Mama did a few of these things with me, and it was so much fun.
Immmmm excited. Poor thing.
But I do find myself getting clucky.
I have most of my thoughts when I am lying in bed a night, Sitting on the bus alone listening to music thinking im on 8mile or something, Or just generally chilling by myself.
I got thinking the other night, the things that I would do with my baby when God gives me one. I remember what my Mum used to do with me, and theres a few things that I will most definitly do with my child. Most of them dont even involve money. Im probs going to be a reeeaaaalllll crazy Mum. They will always want to go to there friends house, rather then there friends come to ours. haha. BUT they are the following:
- Go to a park and feed the ducks (Hates birds, but for dont want to pass this onto the child... )
- Have picnics on the beach and build sandcastles
- Go for drives and just pick a song that both me and my child know, and just drive around and sing REAAAALLLLY loudley and toot the horn at randoms (When I drive around roundabouts, I will continue to go around and around and around and around)
- Go to the library and read books together
- Star Gaze, and make up what the stars look like, then have my child tell me a story around what they are seeing.
- Do ALOT of puzzles.
- Have my child (IF its a girl) do my hair and make up and we will play dress ups and have a tea party,bake and make jewllery out of pasta and be fabulous together.
- Probs get there ears peirced behind my partners back.
- Go to the toy library.
- Visit the grandparents on both sides as much as possible
- Do gardening together
- Build forts out of sheets and the couches and pretend where camping.
- Play with pretend instruments and pretend we are in a band. Lights off. Jumping crazy around the house.
these things are like secretly what I want to do every day of my life. But my Mama did a few of these things with me, and it was so much fun.
Immmmm excited. Poor thing.
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Sunday Rose
Sunday. Arvo. Fairly Sunny. Im sitting on my bed, the sun is pouring in, and all I want to do is go to sleep. I don't even know why. I had a good 8 hours rest, im just so bored with everything. Ugh, im such a complainer at the moment. And I know that life isn't all that bad. I just generally speaking find sundays the most bitter sweet day of the week. Biblically, its the first day of the week. Its the end of the weekend, so gutted -reality tomorrow.
Its also couple effin central up in this mother.
I have always found Sundays THE most lonely day of the week. I love part of my ritual on a Sunday, our family lunches. Then the fam goes off and do there own thing, and im just like hmmm... what do I do with myself? I usually come home, tidy my room and just spend some alone time. Which is good for me, but shesh, Ive had a lot of one on one time with myself lately. Maybe I need some new friends. I would say that if I had more money come a non pay week sunday, I would have more freedom. But what would I even do with my paper?? honestly. I love Wellington, but sometimes/most of the time its boring.
And you know how like it dosnt matter where you are in the world if you have your friends and family its fine? Don't feel like that right now. Its got me weighing up the good and the bad in my life, what needs to go, what needs to stay. I honestly, don't have time to be bothered with a lot of people in my life at the moment. I feel pretty bad having this bitch and whine. But if im going to be completely honest, I still very much feel like I do in the below post.
Im tired of just drinking with my friends etc etc. Im really over it. But alas, there is occasions coming up that cause me to continue to ride this annoying roller coaster. I drunk once this weekend, and I was in bed around 12. I was so hung over yesterday I thought I was going to throw up my stomach. I couldn't even hold down water. It was terrible.
But any way, I guess I just want someone to be like "Lets go over to the Wairarapa for the day?", "Lets go find some random paddock and lie in it" . I feel like if anyone was to suggest these things, its me. And then I just have to deal with whoever is down or not. AKA wait for people to bail. Its fucking exhausting. And I just get so disappointed.
Like for example, just got a txt from my friend who said that she was at a photo exhibition, I would have been totally down. But didn't get an invite. And she would be the first person to get pissed off if I had an amazing idea and left her out. See my annoyance? How much can one person take. I think from here on out, Im not going to suggest anything. Maybe just leave it and see how long it takes for someone to initiate something and include me.
Don't mean to feel all sorry for me, but I take it personally. Maybe I am emotionally immature in this sense. And I shouldn't take things personally, but I really don't know how not too.
I take it personally in the sense that it really makes me question the value that I have in these peoples lives. I mean I don't want anyone to bow down to me, and have it be all about me, I just don't like feeling like Ive been taken advantage of. I feel/hope I contribute to people and the friendships I have. I like to make my friends lives easier for them, but I feel in doing that, it truly makes mine a lot harder. Is that part of it?
Just definitely feel like if I made no effort no one would. period.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Temporary situation
Got one on my hands.
So this is my week off. What have I been doing? Ummmmm suffering. I've had some teeth issues, stomach issues and have spent part of my week at A and E and mostly at the dentist. I did get to hang out with my sister, get some good sleep in, hang out with my papa, tidy up my room and catch up with one or two people for coffee. Most of today I spent at home, and it was good. But a bit boring. Went to have coffee with someone, then picked someone up from work, and now im back home. I've died my hair, shaved my head etc. I just have the ickiest feeling inside me. Like I feel kinda sad. I don't really know why, My teeth have literally been causing me so much grief this week, im pretty dissapointed I spent my days off this way. Not that I could help it. Its just Murphys law. Its so annoying though. Im quite gutted. So maybe my sad moods from this. Maybe its cos im getting my period in the next week (ALWAYS get depressed a week before, fucking hormones), maybe im just allowed to be sad sometimes. I just feel like crying. I NEVER CRY. But im in one of those moods where if I dropped my pen on the floor, id start crying.
I gotta admit I've been feeling kinda lonely lately. Don't know why. Maybe I feel bored with almost all of my current situations. And its not prompted because everyone around me is moving and im stationary. I just feel completely and utterly bored and unsatisfied. I know I am the only one who can change this. But what to do and where to go??? I dunno. And thats kinda gutting, because I love to see that in someone else, they know what there up too. I don't have that right now. I feel like I could just sit in my room for two weeks, not socialize , not contact anyone back, not initiate anything, and no one would say anything.
I love surprises. And I love ideas people. Im both full of ideas (usually, not at the moment), and im the down for anything gal. But lately , i just kinda feel relied on for ideas, and if i don't say anything, nothing happens. And then i do come up with ideas and people bail- hence my below post.
I used to get really lonely. And then I came too. And was completely ok with my own company. I am still ok with my company. But im bored of me. I don't think its the wanting of the opposite sex, I mean that would be nice. To have a guy who wants to spend time with me, and who sees my time as precious and therefore wants to spend it with me. Who has ideas and all I have to do is just show up and I know ill have a good time. Or infact he might just pop around to my house as a surprise. I like this. Not roses and chocolates. I don't overly care for material things, just memories. Tis whole this frustrating. Theres certain things you can make happen, usually its for yourself, and things that you just cant. Its time. I hate time, because theres perfect timing, but hows it perfect??? If where running out of it, why wait? random thought.
I guess I really just wanna feel appreciated. I do not. In all honesty. I feel completely unappreciated for the things I do, for the effort I put into things, for maybe just being me?
I feel people rely on my loyalty too much. They know I love them, and I have a fairly high threshold as to what I will let people get away with and how they treat me. But Ive kinda had enough. Im tired of it. I wanna be noticed too.
Bailers
I honestly fucking hate them. Like its a trait I cannot stand.
It shows unreliability, selfishness and just lack of love or loyalty. Maybe this is a harsh line. But theres those people who you can always count on- and most of the time, there the ones who will be there until the end right?
Then theres those who you don't believe are going to show, until you actually see them face to face at the place/time arranged. Usually if there going to bail, they will have the most whacked out extreme circumstances/ reasons as to why they cant meet. Like " So I was on my way to do this right, and then this bus came along and hit my leg, and I went to the hospital and now its fine but im resting up in bed, but don't come and visit me cos im so tired" Like what the fuck bro? Now your just insulting my intelligence and I do not appreciate this.
Im actually wanting to campaign against bailers. Like full on ready to march my ass to parliament.
Because;
one, your not worth my time and effort if you aren't going to do your end of the deal.
two, your a lier. And you have lost your integrity. I don't wanna know someone like that.
three, who the fuck do you think you are as to be so ignorant as to think I don't have other things I could be doing.
fourthly, I dont trust you. And who do you want to be known as? The person who people can rely on ? Or the person where they have no idea if you are going to show.
Im telling you now, the more you bail on me, the less ill try. Maybe thats what you wanted. But guess what? I can be a bailer too. I will delete your messages when you txt me to arrange something. I will stop. Yeah , It may feel like your missing from my life, but Its easier to go through that once then have to constantly feel disappointed every time I want to hang out with you.
Oh and then I end up being the one apologizing? Because yes, I don't bite my tounge. I will say "Ok then" In response. Like yes, its a woman thing. But yes, Im not impressed. In the slightest and trust me nigger you would rather I say "ok then" then "Ok you unreliable asshole, don't contact me again, how about that? you abandoned our meetings, well I abandon this relationship, because your a pussy bitch who cant pull through", yet when I say "ok then" I get attacked? whaaaaat would you rather???? seriously. Because if you want me to be honest, hey, just say. I have no qualms with saying the truth to its full extent.
Yeah this is a fucking angry post. And yes it may seem like its directed at one person. But it aint. Its directed at a lot of situations that have taken place recently. And it honestly fucks me off. And when i say "bailerS" its plural. Its not just that someone does it once, twice, six times. Its fucking multiple times. Like literally 1 out of fucking 2 times. Thats a stat I just aint fucking happy with.
I don't want people in my life like that. So change is about to take place. Im not trying. Im giving up on that. Because lets be honest, these people have given up also . Or the just lazy liars. EIther way, i don't like either of these people. Im so fucking anggggggrrrrry!!!!
ugh get out of my life. You don't deserve a piece of what im involved in. So suck my dick.
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