On the mind

A few things that are bothering me. I really didnt think or know if this was ever going too, but it kind of is.

Basically, me and my ex have been hanging out a bit. And its super fun. I totally enjoy his company. I have my moments I guess. I have those moments where Im like 'yeah I can so do this friends only thing' and thats all I will see him as. Then I will have those moments where im like 'maybe this isnt a good idea'. I think the reason I feel both these ways is because I feel up and down ,back and fourth as to whether or not I am over him. I feel that everytime I go to touch him, I am completely aware of how I am touching him. We are both playful towards each other, and the banter has never stopped, which is nice, then whats banter and whats flirting? It is both of our humor types, I dont feel I have that kinda banter with my other friends though.
Then when we get drunk, Its a whole other story. And I really dont mean to read into things when people are drunk, and I tend not too do this with him. And It hasnt affected me up until now. But honestly, we are still kissing etc when drunk, then the next day, its like a switch has been flicked. I feel like he becomes almost cold towards me and I can kinda feel his regret/wanting to make a point that it was just a drunken thing and we are still very much friends.. Its silent yes, but also kinda loud. I guess that side of it hurts a bit. Im not sitting here saying that I completely know what I want, and its him, or its not him, I dont know, I really dont know. I do know that I like certian aspects of how things are, and there are certain things that I find uncomfortable. Maybe I do miss the affection from him, And so when we get drunk ,its nice, and then the next day its taken away. I do like him as a person, not just the affection. Then there is also the fact that I feel like I fucked up the relationship. I feel like I became a person who I most definitly am not. I dont think I would make that mistake again. This isnt a "take me back" plea. I wont ever do that. I wont convince anyone to do that. But sidenote, if things were to go back on, it would be a different relationship. I would be different. I wouldnt tell him this, because it would come across like im justifying it. Which I dont wanna be doing. Just me knowing is enough for whoever puts a ring on it next.

I havent talked to anyone about this. Actually no one. I havnt really said how its making me feel, because It hasnt bothered me, and I wouldnt call it a bother. Its just on my end, Its just hard to switch from one to the other in a matter of hours. I mean obviously my friends can see whats going on, because they can see us kissing, but if my friends bring it up with me, Im just like "meh I dont really care right now" and they leave it. I have a couple of friends who are wishing that things would work out for us both. Not that it really matters, peoples opinions and what not, because there not in it.
I feel like a huge hypocrite. I have hooked up with someone else, yet I would be pretty gutted if he did. I guess its because I did it, and I dont want to do it again. Not that it is the choice that he should make to not do anything with anyone, I just know that it would upset me heaps. Which goes back to the point if I am over it or not.

All a bit messy and up in the air at the moment. I dont feel like its anything I want to discuss with anyone to be honest. Not even him. I dont think its anything me or him can promise not too do, like not to be affectionate towards each other when we are drunk, because where drunk and theres not really any reasoning with drunk situations. So I guess its just a day by day thing. I do miss kisses being on tap. I think I like that part of a relationship alot.

Thats all for now I guess.