So this is my week off. What have I been doing? Ummmmm suffering. I've had some teeth issues, stomach issues and have spent part of my week at A and E and mostly at the dentist. I did get to hang out with my sister, get some good sleep in, hang out with my papa, tidy up my room and catch up with one or two people for coffee. Most of today I spent at home, and it was good. But a bit boring. Went to have coffee with someone, then picked someone up from work, and now im back home. I've died my hair, shaved my head etc. I just have the ickiest feeling inside me. Like I feel kinda sad. I don't really know why, My teeth have literally been causing me so much grief this week, im pretty dissapointed I spent my days off this way. Not that I could help it. Its just Murphys law. Its so annoying though. Im quite gutted. So maybe my sad moods from this. Maybe its cos im getting my period in the next week (ALWAYS get depressed a week before, fucking hormones), maybe im just allowed to be sad sometimes. I just feel like crying. I NEVER CRY. But im in one of those moods where if I dropped my pen on the floor, id start crying.
I gotta admit I've been feeling kinda lonely lately. Don't know why. Maybe I feel bored with almost all of my current situations. And its not prompted because everyone around me is moving and im stationary. I just feel completely and utterly bored and unsatisfied. I know I am the only one who can change this. But what to do and where to go??? I dunno. And thats kinda gutting, because I love to see that in someone else, they know what there up too. I don't have that right now. I feel like I could just sit in my room for two weeks, not socialize , not contact anyone back, not initiate anything, and no one would say anything.
I love surprises. And I love ideas people. Im both full of ideas (usually, not at the moment), and im the down for anything gal. But lately , i just kinda feel relied on for ideas, and if i don't say anything, nothing happens. And then i do come up with ideas and people bail- hence my below post.
I used to get really lonely. And then I came too. And was completely ok with my own company. I am still ok with my company. But im bored of me. I don't think its the wanting of the opposite sex, I mean that would be nice. To have a guy who wants to spend time with me, and who sees my time as precious and therefore wants to spend it with me. Who has ideas and all I have to do is just show up and I know ill have a good time. Or infact he might just pop around to my house as a surprise. I like this. Not roses and chocolates. I don't overly care for material things, just memories. Tis whole this frustrating. Theres certain things you can make happen, usually its for yourself, and things that you just cant. Its time. I hate time, because theres perfect timing, but hows it perfect??? If where running out of it, why wait? random thought.
I guess I really just wanna feel appreciated. I do not. In all honesty. I feel completely unappreciated for the things I do, for the effort I put into things, for maybe just being me?
I feel people rely on my loyalty too much. They know I love them, and I have a fairly high threshold as to what I will let people get away with and how they treat me. But Ive kinda had enough. Im tired of it. I wanna be noticed too.
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