Summer Fashing

Ive been feeling a bit festive with my fashion. I DEF dont mean red and green festivness. I mean more or less ive had some cool ideas recently. And more then ever Im not scared to crack it out.

I really wanna start attaching photos to this blog. Just gotta get my ish sorted with a cam.

Im ready to go extreme with my hair aswell. I get excited.

Ive been wearing alot of heels recently. Been building up my stamina. Its been fun. Sometimes I feel a bit too glam, but then why do I care? Who sets the bench mark? for me , its me. Kapesh? cool. I found some good inspiration recently too, so that helps.

Been getting my grind on with planning this US trip too. Im flying out sooner then expected. July/Aug. Gone for three months. I fly from Wellington to Auckland. Where I meet my cousin, then from Auckland to LA. Where I will spend a week. From there, I will fly to New York. Be based there mostly. I am doing a "tiki tour" of the south. HEY HEY YA'LL. So excited. This includes; Georgia, New Orleans, Miami and Texas. We are also going for a weekend in Vegas at some stage also.

Im beyond excited, but im also SO anxious, nervous, sad, happy gaahhhhh everything.

All these questions me and my cousin have been throwing at each other, do I go back to melbourne with her to wrap up her life there after and spend a month there? Or come home? What happens if we meet the love of our lives before we leave? Do we still go. UMMM, yes. That was the answer. They will wait, and if not, obviously we wernt worth it, therefore fuck off. Basically. Will we marry for a green card? Yet again, the answer is yes. We would be crazy not too, you know? What if we meet someone over there??

Im mostly excited to see the world, and meet new people. I want to make as much friends as possible. Which hopefully will be made easy on this bus tiki tour. I wont call it a tiki tour though, cos no one will have the slightest clue as to what im talking about.

I really want to try and get tickets to go and see chelsea lately. Would be so rad.

I have to save $12k in 7months. That is a scary scary number. We have an appointment with the US embassy shortly to ask more questions around our visa waiver, and if thats the best option for us.

Im moving out of my house soon also . The lease ends. Luckily ive landed myself a fairly sweet deal. Only thing is, I will be living a few minutes out of town. But its cheaper, nicer, and convenient. I dont have to go on a lease, so can leave whenever, no bond etc. And its with someone I know. So its allllll goods.

So much going on. So much to look foward too. So little time here.

ex oh ex oh gossip gal.

Summertime in the LBC

I have had SUCH a good time recently. I really have. No complaints at all. Actually one, I am looking after my Dads house at the moment, while there away in Tauranga (I join them soon YUSSSS), and the fucking Animals follow me everywhere. The dog follows me to the bathroom, watches me get changed, the kitchen, laundry freaking everywhere. She has seperation anxiety or something. Its real annoying having a shadow. Is that what its like to have a kid? But apart from that, so much fun.
Between me, my cousin and my friend we have had three massive houses to ourselves. So we have been switching between them. We have been eating amazing food, drinking wine, and sitting on the balconies in the sun.
Theres four of us who grew up together right, Anyway 3 of us drove up to castle point to see the other who is up there for a beach mission. It was so much fun. It was quite a nice day, we had amazing music, endless "would you rathers" ( some REAL nasty ones too), random stops ( I had to vom at one point), then we got to castle point (after what seemed FOREVER), and saw this girl. It was real cool, cos our brothers were there too, and we went for a walk from the campsite to the local "resturant" and had some lunch, then we went on the sandunes. They were quite high, and let me tell you something, if you ran up that shit like 10 times a day, you would be so fit and toned. Anyway, there were these real estate for sale signs sitting on the hill. Pre made with Rope through certian parts of the board, and we were like "that is us", we climbed to the top. We went down about 3 times, and double teamed it etc. I felt like a child again. And then we went and got an ice cream and went to the surfers beach and went for a drive on the beach then headed home. I felt a true appreciation for NZ. Which only ever comes in waves.
It was also just completely amazing to hang out with the awesome foursome. Im sure everyone has an awesome foursome, but mines the best. It was so funny, fun and for me, is what summers about. Got my girls, Got my beach, Got my view fucking master.

Had some goodtimes catching up with friends that I havnt in a while too. Ive also had some good alone time. I think one thing ive realised about myself, is that I always love alone time, but I love to be around people. And I think lately ive got a good feel for when I need to be by myself. Ive listened to the cravings. Where as previously I would just push that aside and hang out with people, but would find myself getting pissed off. I think this is a good thing for me, just recongnising what I need.

Been out a few times too. I went out on Sunday night, and eff me, I was sooo hung over on Monday. My cousin came over and I was so grumpy, incoheriant, and just a real hot mess. I couldnt eat, couldnt even hold down water. Gross. Gross. Gross. But it was quite a fun night. I had this guy ask me if he could buy me a drink, and i was like "Yeah, sure. But I want Sangria. A whole Jug" He agreed. And handed over the $29.00. SUCKKKKA. Shouldnt be so mean, but he was annoying.
Im finding it kinda difficult at the moment to not slip back into a certain stage in my life. Not because anythings happened or anything. I guess with my cousin being back, we get up to mischeif. And thats what we have always been like. And I think last summer it was kinda bad. Im being vague I realise. Ok, frankly, we would destroy boys. Dating like no bodies business, using people for free drinks, also sexually as well. I mean dont get me wrong, it was HELLA fun. And it still could be. But I guess, I just dont overly wanna go down that path. Actually im open to the dates and drinks, but not the sex. Im just trying to kick my self control into overdrive. I think its because Im so used to going out with boys, who wouldnt allow that, or my ex boyfriend, that I just wanna go crazy now that my main girls here. SO hell no, gotta get a grip!

Anyway this blogs getting hellllllla long. Im going to post another.

New Beginnings

I certainly feel like I need one.
To think a year ago, the position I was in. I was still at the job Im in, I was living in a different apartment, and I still had predominantly the same friends. And I wonder what have I accomplished this year. I went to Gold Coast and visited my Mum who I hadnt seen in 7 years, which was quite an emotional / life changing thing in itself. I also went to Melbourne after that, and lived in my cousins world for a week, which I had heard so much about, and I made some friends there for the 5days I was there. I wanted to move to melbourne, then decided against. I have become alot closer with my family, we have always been close but this year has really stod out for me. My Papa has been sick (below post).Ive met some new people. Ive let walls down and people in.Ive not put on or lost 1kg. Ive moved into a new place. I bought a Mac. I had my wisdom teeth out. Ive cut people out of my life. Ive made a plan to live in NY for 3months with my cousin in 2011.
So yeah, Then im like WOW alot can happen in a year. I mean If you think that one second can change your life, how much ability does a year hold to do the same?
You can tell im starting to be optomistic about it. Lame, annoying, cool ? maybe.
I usually get super super down around this time. I think because I have a sivere issue with feeling like im trapped. I hate that feeling of everyone else moving foward, and me staying still. I do battle with this constantly. I also battle with doing nothing about it. Motivation do something is I find hard. Its fine me doing stuff for other people, but when it comes to sorting out my own stuff im shit at it. SO alot to work on.
My aim at this point in time is to really better myself as a person. To be a better friend, to be a better sister, cousin , daughter and grandaughter. To do things for people who will appreciate it. To do things without the expectation of anything in return. I want to be debt free (minus my student loan UGH yuck). To be more independant. To make more time for my friends. To have a job change. To Grow my hair (only on one side though), maybe go blonde. Sell my Car. Meet people who inspire me to be a better person. Get fit, and quit smoking ( Arnt these everyones?). To find something im passionate about that I seek to do to make me happy. To experience more culture. To go on more Roadtrips. Meet someone famous. Go to as many concerts/gigs as possible. To get a new cell phone and pay myself off my contract (PREPAID BOOOY), Visit my mum again. Pay a visit to my gran. Get married and have 3 children (joking).

I think thats enough.
But yeah ,Im feeling excited. I feel in the last little while, Ive lost who I was a bit. Also , struggled to think about what makes me happy . truely happy. content etc. So I realised somethings gotta change. Im looking foward to this next month or so to kinda get that back. Figure out where Im going, and get there.

Papa

There are so many fond memories I have of our relationship. I have never met a more respected, loyal, unjudgemental, forgiving, kind, patient man. A complete example for people. I would love to have your chararistics. I dont know any Grandad who has done the things that you have done for me. You have created an amazing family for everyone to enjoy.
I will miss the sunday lunches that we have every week at your house. I love how you used to play hide and seek with me , even though I was ALWAYS the one hiding, and this would go on for hours. And you pretended not to know where I was even though I was hiding in the cupboard giggling pretty loudley. I remember you potty training me, with that dog potty that all of us grandkids used. I remember helping you doing the gardening. I remember washing your car just so I could get $5. Which is far too much to wash a car. The endless lollies and chocolate biscuits you supplied us with . The stories you used to read us. Sitting on your lap and looking at "wheres wally" for hours on end. You used to play "riding the bike" with me, where I would lie on the ground and you would grab my legs, and start out slowly, then when we got the the down hill, my legs where everywhere because the bike was going so fast. I remember when we went to see Nana at the funeral home, It was just me and you, and you hadnt seen her dead body yet. And we stod in that room and just cried together. The way you used to pat my horse was halerious. When you used to brush the boys hair, it was always a comb over. When you and Nana would go to Australia every year, you would always bring us back the most amazing presents, like a Crystal dolphin? That was my favourite. The card and the Cheque every year you give us for christmas and birthdays. Your ability to eat food when its past its used by date and never get sick, is incredible. I love the way you tell stories. When you told me that woman should be treated with nothing but respect. When you told us about your first kiss with Nana, your face lit up and you said that after you kissed her you skipped all the way home. That made me believe in love. You stod by Nana even though she was crazy. If I need to be driven somewhere, you are always there. You invented the "special sandwhich" which is just ham, lettuce and tomato. You also invented the Cocoa pops and ice-cream combo which we would have at your house for breakfast. I love watching you watch 'Americas funniest home videos' , the way you laugh at it. That time when we were just sitting in the lounge and you randomly turned to Daniel and said "what? you want a smack?" and us just staring at you wondering if you were being serious because daniel didnt do anything and then you started laughing. It clarified where the root of weirdness comes from in our family. The day I said to you when I was about 7years old "Papa, when you die, can I have your red fishing rod?" and you agreeing. The one time you smacked me, I was so shocked, and I cried for about an hour. I was mostly upset that I had made you angry enough to do that. When I was little and I would call you "Puppy" and I thought I was SOO funny. You were a good enough Cricket and Rugby player to play for a living. But you selflessly chose the life of a pastor instead. The amount of times you have financially bailed me out is crazy. The way you ALWAYS open my mail, theres no such thing as privacy with you. You came to court with me, and helped fight a fight that I then lost. When we were young, we used to ask you to take out your false teeth, and you would do it, then growl, and we would run away screaming because we were scared,and we would come back and ask you to do it again. " show us your legs Papa, show us your legs" you would then reveal how white your legs were, and we would roll around on the ground laughing. When you would talk me through and help me deal with the complication around my parents split, and the lack of my mum in my life, you would always start sobbing at the pain that I was experiencing. When you had a heartattack, I remember all of us grandchildren sitting on the beach praying for you to be ok, while the parents were in the hospital with you. When we went to see you, you were as high as a kite, and told me there was a nice young doctor and the hospital for me. The Bond that you have and have always had with Daniel. I remember when we left that hospital he burst uncontrollabley into tears, and he didnt even want to go and see you because it was too sad for him to see you like that. The fishing trips. Every holidays you would take us to toyworld and we were allowed a toy each. You would also take us to Te papa and we were allowed to go one one of the rides. Your driving is so scary, you think indicating is optional, and when people toot you say "Drivers these days are so angry, everyone is in such a rush, and is straight to there horn", i am hiding my head in shame. When you would take us down to the airport, and we would pull over below the runway and lie on the bonnet of the car, and watch the planes fly over our head. How you have your coffee black, no sugar. Your love for cheese. At christmas time its always your responsibility to bring the pre lunch snacks, and its always nuts. You make the best mince. When you were talking to me about one of your round the world trips, you said to me that you can see me in New York, and that I will love it. I hoped and still do that you would be the one to conduct my wedding. There is nothing more that I would like. There are so many memories, that I will never ever forget. And for that, Thank you for richly blessing me. I love and appreciate you beyond these words.

Fruit Salad

The title of this blog, is abosloutely how I am feeling right now.
I feel sooooo excited and happy for the following reasons:
- My cousin Abi is back from Melbs for the summer
- christmas
-New Years
- Holiday in tauranga
- Figuring out what Im doing for the year
-My other cousin from Melbourne arrives soon

Then I am completely overwhelmed with sadness right now.
My Papa (grandad), has been having alot of health issues at the moment. He is just about 82years of age. In the last month he has had two doses of pneumonia and he still isnt right. He went in for a cat scan , and they found something on his lungs, with the possibility its a tumor. He now has to go to have a biopsy. I think its really made our family wonder how we will cope in his death. No one has a good feeling about this, and even if this isnt what takes him, we are wondering when something does, how will we get past this as a family? I have no doubt, and complete and utter faith in the stregnth that my family has. But alot of it comes from our rock, which is him. He literally is the thing that holds this family together, so how when thats taken away will we restructure our family. When my Dad became a single parent, He was literally my second Dad. He was there for sick days, Sports Games, He would come over on thursday nights while my Dad went super market shopping, school holidays were spent with him etc. So many memories. My Dad wrote him a letter yesturday. My Dads wife was the only one to read it, and she broke down reading it. I read it/ found it on the computer. It was two pages long, but took me 30mins to read it. I had to keep stopping to cry. It said some beautiful things in there. Like how he is my Dads best friend, and what is he to do when the person who he can tell anything too leaves this world? and how that he has been a second Dad to us, and that when my Dad was too busy or tired to play with us children, that he was always there playing one on one hide and seek (I was always the one hiding, of course), and how he toilet trained all of us. I remember when we used to sleep at his house, we would also sleep in the spare bed in his bedroom. I would constantly the wake him up in the middle of the night because he would snore, and id make him put his "nose thing" in. He never got angry at me, or made me go to another room to sleep. He is the most patient person I Have ever met. And I guess thats causing me to write my own letter. I dont feel brave enough to give it to him in person yet. So I will write it here.

Good Times

Im Joking, Im quite pissed off. Theres a particular issue that has been bothering me forever. It comes and goes. Me and this boy have been fighting like nobodies business this week. Funny thing, is its the SAME fucking issues that we used to fight over when we were together. I used to always be the one who said sorry. Even if deep down , it was still bothering me and I felt that I wasnt the one to blame. Im tired of it. It reaaaalllllly bothers me.

Every guy that I have ever had feelings for, has lied to me. So I know when I see it/hear it. Maybe I am a fool for letting someone get away with it once, because I guess it encourages people to be reoffenders. Maybe I gave someone the bennefit of the doubt too many times and for that, yes I feel like an idiot . Theres no real bennefit, in knowing but never acting on the knowledge. Meaning, I knew that person was lying to me when they were, and didnt say anything.
I would react in yes, maybe not the most mature way. As in I wouldnt be like "hey lets sit down and talk about this" but fuck it, im human , and im an emotional person sometimes. I also let things get to the stage where they piss me off so much, that I just let it all out. And I realise that I cannot go throughout life like that , or letting situations get to that point. But I cant help but think, if people stopped taking advantage of what they think is my stupidness and started treating me with respect then I dont believe we would be having this issue.

So this is usually the structure of the fights:
1) commits, lies, and bails and yea.
2) I get pissed off, make a snarky remark , or just am really unemotional ( this is usually via text)
3) It gets annoyed, and might reply, might not. Or it will leave the room.
4) I either chase, or contact ( in the processes feeling like an absolute syco, and repeatedly telling myself why am I doing this, this is not me)
5) we meet up, its akward as fuck, he gets angry at me, I sound like im defending myself but never make a point of saying why Im angry. I just try and climb from the bottom to the top to make things ok again.
6 ) He forgives me, and I think "phew im in the clear"
7) After he leaves, Im left wondering, if what just happened shouldve happened, and that actually that wasnt my fault completely.

That is the fucking general nature of these situations.
Im super over it. And this could very well be the last straw for me. Really over being made to feel sorry, and bad for something that I actually have an issue with .
The thing is , im so fucking annoyed and angry and over this issue, that I dont even know if I would know how to forgive in this situation or where to go from here.

Hes leaving to go to Australia for 3 weeks tommorrow so prolly wont even see him. Ideally would like to sort this shit before it goes, but ive tried contacting , and thats always my role. Im over that. Then I go on holiday for a week. So Merry Christmas and Happy fucking new year.

Split In Two

This weeks annoying and its Monday.. I know I shouldnt speak that over a particular day/time/week or whatever and I shouldnt wish my days away, but I kinda am this week.
Ive been in a weird weird mood yesturday and today. Im tired, yes. But im also just over it. I can kinda feel this bad attitude within in me, and I really need to kick it. I also feel so wound up by the littlest things. I hate feeling like im running people around, kinda feel like ive been that way lately. I also feel like im always there for people, yet I dont feel I get the same back. I feel like I just want my own space, yet I kinda want someone there. Im obviously just being ridiculous.
I think its better that I just spend most of the week by myself.

Ive been thinking alot about my situations. Yet I havnt come to any conclusions. I really dont know what to do. Or even ultimately how I feel . Im being general because I just go around in circles when im being specific.

theres other reasons as to why Im not being specific. Im a bit of a mess at the moment, should stay away from this thing, I just sound mental.

Hormones

Mine are honestly raging at the moment.
Im so angry and then upset, Im getting hot and cold flushes. I go from wanting cuddles, to wanting to kill someone. Its ridiculous. How the fuck do you control this stuff????
I honestly feel like its a drug and its completely uncontrollable. Ive been fighting back (trying too) these emotions alllllll day because Im at work. I hate myself when Im in these moods.
People think its better to back away, and too leave me alone etc. But thats probs the worse thing someone can do, because I take it VERY personally. And It makes me hate you.

Ive got so much stuff to do this weekend. And I just want a weekend where I have nothing. I like being busy, but not being busy with things that I dont want to do. Im toying up as to whether I go home to hang with the fam, Just go home to my flat and sleep (although on the weekend, this never happens due to dumb noise), try and hustle up some friends to hang out with and do activities that are free. But I honestly just think I will be in the weirdest mood. I think I will head out to the fams house. My Dad knows how to handle me when I start crying and am all emotional. Hes great. Because Im basically a big time bitch.

Im getting my wisdom teeth ripped out next week. fuuuuuccckkkkking amazing times to be had. REALLY not about this. Needs to be done, but just counting down the days until a day where you know your going to be in pain? soooo annoying.

fark miiiiiii llllyyyyyffffeeeeee.