Good Times

Im Joking, Im quite pissed off. Theres a particular issue that has been bothering me forever. It comes and goes. Me and this boy have been fighting like nobodies business this week. Funny thing, is its the SAME fucking issues that we used to fight over when we were together. I used to always be the one who said sorry. Even if deep down , it was still bothering me and I felt that I wasnt the one to blame. Im tired of it. It reaaaalllllly bothers me.

Every guy that I have ever had feelings for, has lied to me. So I know when I see it/hear it. Maybe I am a fool for letting someone get away with it once, because I guess it encourages people to be reoffenders. Maybe I gave someone the bennefit of the doubt too many times and for that, yes I feel like an idiot . Theres no real bennefit, in knowing but never acting on the knowledge. Meaning, I knew that person was lying to me when they were, and didnt say anything.
I would react in yes, maybe not the most mature way. As in I wouldnt be like "hey lets sit down and talk about this" but fuck it, im human , and im an emotional person sometimes. I also let things get to the stage where they piss me off so much, that I just let it all out. And I realise that I cannot go throughout life like that , or letting situations get to that point. But I cant help but think, if people stopped taking advantage of what they think is my stupidness and started treating me with respect then I dont believe we would be having this issue.

So this is usually the structure of the fights:
1) commits, lies, and bails and yea.
2) I get pissed off, make a snarky remark , or just am really unemotional ( this is usually via text)
3) It gets annoyed, and might reply, might not. Or it will leave the room.
4) I either chase, or contact ( in the processes feeling like an absolute syco, and repeatedly telling myself why am I doing this, this is not me)
5) we meet up, its akward as fuck, he gets angry at me, I sound like im defending myself but never make a point of saying why Im angry. I just try and climb from the bottom to the top to make things ok again.
6 ) He forgives me, and I think "phew im in the clear"
7) After he leaves, Im left wondering, if what just happened shouldve happened, and that actually that wasnt my fault completely.

That is the fucking general nature of these situations.
Im super over it. And this could very well be the last straw for me. Really over being made to feel sorry, and bad for something that I actually have an issue with .
The thing is , im so fucking annoyed and angry and over this issue, that I dont even know if I would know how to forgive in this situation or where to go from here.

Hes leaving to go to Australia for 3 weeks tommorrow so prolly wont even see him. Ideally would like to sort this shit before it goes, but ive tried contacting , and thats always my role. Im over that. Then I go on holiday for a week. So Merry Christmas and Happy fucking new year.