I dont know what it is. Ive never been a huge huge huge fan. Like I was a fan. But not like MASS eve. You know? Now I dont know what it is. I find him SO talented. SO sexy. AND I might wanna be his girlfriend. haha. Itll happen. Obviously.
But all his new shit that ive heard, is amazing. I never knew he studied fine arts either (Adds to the attractive factor), and I dont even think hes that good looking. Hes just crazy talented, well dressed and just sexy.
'Runaway' is so beautifully done. At first, I was like "whhhaaaaattttt is this?" , then I watched some interviews of him talking about it, and found out he was an art student, and heard him explain it in more detail, and ive watched it a couple of times since then, and I love it. Im majorly looking foward to his album. Even though Ive downloaded a couple of songs, I wanna buy it. It drops November 22nd. Same with Nicki Minaj's "pink friday". Shes AWESOME. Nothing like a boss bitch.
Fashion wise???
Theres so many things I want , but I either, dont know where to find them , or cannot afford them. Im going to go on a bit of a bargin mission this weekend. Im excited. Ive also got to catch up with a few people (This is always so bitter sweet, weekends being filled with must do's, kinda annoying), Ive got brunch on a boat tomorrow with the girls, Shopping, Coffee date to organise a party, 21st tomorrow night, Shopping, cleaning etc etc. Then monday. uuuuuughghghgghghgh.
Ive got a two day week next week though. Thank heavens!
what else what else what else..... I thought I would discuss stuff that isnt about sex and relationships. hah, bore.
ALTHOUGH (cant help myself) , Mum read my below post about my traumatic boning experience (Ps. Toats have bruises on my body I have to be careful what I wear, so shameful and a GREAT constant reminder of the act- sarcasim), and she was so reassuring. Just that she has been through something similar, and no, it dosnt make things better, and yes, you do wish that you could rewind time.
Sometimes I feel like the worlds stupidest human being. I know its wrong. And I know it dosnt feel good, because ive done it before. But that whole, maybe itll be different this time philosophy is dangerous. Because, yes , maybe. But realistically, no. Like gambling really, Could win, but actually, nah not likely at all. ALSO, was on facebook last just PG chilling out, and this chat pops up. "hey", its from this guy who has ALWAYS had a thing for me the moment I met him, like 2 years ago. He was a friend of the guy I was with. And the moment I became single from him, he chased. Hard. I didnt really like him. Not like that. Just not my type. Dunno why, it would suggest he would be if I described him. Black, well dressed, Tatoos, music industry. But there just wasnt that connection. Well according to him there was, I was like , nah thats def not chemistry, not about it. I tried to convince myself that there was something there. I did sleep with him twice, and he asked me to be his girlfriend, and I said no. EK. Ever since then hes still being trying to chase. Not so direct. Just if I saw him, he would be all like "I think your amazing, I dont care if I have a girlfriend, Ive always had a thing for you, and I always will , and If you give me the nod, then thats us, I can picture you as my wifey" Like super intense. Anyway, he moved down south to be with his GF. thank god. And he started talking to me. I asked him how life down there was, he said "its ok, but its not overly what i want", I said that I didnt get it, and he was like "well Ideally it would be living wherever with you" I was like OK clearly your a spastic, and stupid and dont get it. Hes cool, like when hes not being like that. So I said "Im sure you will figure things out and make it work for you, you obviously, otherwise you wouldnt be down there", and from there we just had a normal converstaion. But fucking random alright! I remember whenever I used to go out , my friends would be like "*insert name* is here, need to leave before you get proposed too", constantly jetting from place to place because of him. He treated me well, Like if I was with him, he would be an amazing boyfriend. He definitly knows how to treat woman. Guess thats what you get when you were raised soley by woman and have 1000 sisters. ANY WHO.
Going to see my sissy tonight .Super excited. Shes a babe.
Thursday, October 28, 2010
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Not Myself Tonight
Last night was pretty full on. I slept with someone. Someone who I shouldnt have. Well, I feel like I shouldnt be sleeping with anyone full stop at the moment. This post is going to be freaking graphic... ugh. what am I up too.
How it all happened?
I had an amazing day at work yesturday. From there, I dont even know. I was like to my flatmate/friend when we were walking home, "feel like boning someone" she was all "DO IT?! Omgosh ive been waiting for this girl to come back, this fun fun girl" , I hestitantly agreed. But was like feck yeah , i can do this. So the same couple of guys that were texting me while I was in a relationship got a messege from me. I have had sex with them both before. One a couple of times. Shit, there both kean. One was avaliable from 8pm, and had work at 10pm, the other was avaliable from 12am. So really? Im doing this ? Im doing two people in one night? Thats preeeettttttyyyyy sick. ANYWAY. Got home, had a shower got all ready etc. The guy that was comming over first was texting me being like "what happened between you and your bf?" I was like dude, what the fuck? where not friends so calm down. Didnt say that word for word. But hes was texting me also being real dirty etc (that shit is disgusting and its like, what are you 12 and wanking off to this? gross), then he was texting me being like "you make me nervous, your so cool, I gotta admit im pretty intimidated by you".... I literally LOLed. Cool? whhhhaaaat. Nervous?? whaaaaat. I was like "Its just me, dont worry" ... while he was texting me non stop, I was just like ughhhh, just shut up and come over, im getting sick of this. I guess this is pretty mean of me, hes still a human with feelings etc. But for me, he was just my object. Not even object of desire. More like object of convenience. Anyway, he came over, we pretty much just went straight to me room and got into it. Weird thing is, within the first 15 mins of it, I wanted out. But you cant just be like "hey can you leave?" when your just getting started. Its rude.
The thing about this guy, he has a massive dick (Actually, this is the only reason I first ever slept with him. Me and my girlfriends had heard about it, and used to joke about it etc. So of course, I had to see it for myself. No lies. Rumors were true. Anything to prove a point (typical me)). Anyway so with that fact out there, I thought it would be fun. It wasnt. Firstly, It was weird even kissing someone different, And this guy is into some weird shit. Like I would actually have to be like "NOOOOOOO, thats yuuuuccckkkkkk". I dont even know if i can write down some of the weird stuff that was done/tried. I have bite marks on my body, bruises, my body is literally aching everywhere and the bite marks have stained my skin/ neck/ chest/ back. I slept with a vampire/ was attacked!!! The whole time, I was like "FUCK NOT HAVING A CLOCK ON MY WALL" I wanted to know how long was left, until he had to leave. Its not that it was "Boring" in fact he made me feel like the worlds most boring person in bed, because he was so .... yeah... frisky (yuck word). I think I was boring, because I just became not interested in it. I didnt even care if it seemed rude. Anyway after about an hour, I went to the "bathroom", I didnt even need to go, and when i came back he was like "Do you want me to leave?" and I was like "Kinda" , I just wanted it over with. He was like "umm... ooookkk" He started getting dressed and stopped, he jumped on my bed and tried to keep going ( in my head I was like what are you doing???? Im blatently over this), I kinda jokingly , cutely brushed him off, and he kept getting dressed, and he was like to me "All I am is a big dick, who you wanted in your pants" WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT?! IS THIS GUY FOR REAL??? He completely knew what this meeting was about. It wasnt to be friends or in a relationship . What a fucking woman. Yes, I am being mean, but this guy is a slut. I knew it, he knows it, dont pretend like your into me, jerk off, just leave. I said "dont be like that". We said our goodbyes and he left. I was so relieved he was gone.
Afterwards, I felt like complete and utter shit. I mean obviously I didnt really think that this would help right?? Did I think that having sex with someone would solidify the fact that I was single? Moment in weakness? A reason for stregnth?
Whatever the reason, I shouldnt have done it. I dont feel like it was a coping thing. I defintily just felt like having sex, and I got it , and then I wished that I didnt get it. Although it didnt feel that simple. Infact, it kinda made me want to see my ex. Yes, he is my previous someone. I still love the boy, he is one of my best friends, and I tell him everything. Part of me felt guilty, all of me wished it didnt happen, I didnt wanna hurt him or piss him off, but he was the only one that I wanted there, or to talk to . So I did. I firstly made him promise not to hang up on me. He went a bit quiet and asked me if he knew the person, confirmed that I was sober. He thought I mightve said that I pashed someone, not slept with. He found out how upset I was with myself and that I obviously wasnt happy about my choice, and was good about it, and supportive etc. I wonder if that was weird for him? I wasnt at all trying to get a reaction from him. I couldnt be that manipulative. I do find his reaction strange. Considering if he had told me that, I wouldve cried. I think it definitly made me appreciate him. Past and Present tense.
I didnt even think about that second guy, Ignored the text messege.
Today is.... painful. In more ways then one. Im not even trying to be funny.
So for the moment. I dont wanna have sex. I felt like I had disrespected my body. Kinda like how I feel the next day after a massive night, of like drinking 1ltre of vodka and 500 cigarettes.
How it all happened?
I had an amazing day at work yesturday. From there, I dont even know. I was like to my flatmate/friend when we were walking home, "feel like boning someone" she was all "DO IT?! Omgosh ive been waiting for this girl to come back, this fun fun girl" , I hestitantly agreed. But was like feck yeah , i can do this. So the same couple of guys that were texting me while I was in a relationship got a messege from me. I have had sex with them both before. One a couple of times. Shit, there both kean. One was avaliable from 8pm, and had work at 10pm, the other was avaliable from 12am. So really? Im doing this ? Im doing two people in one night? Thats preeeettttttyyyyy sick. ANYWAY. Got home, had a shower got all ready etc. The guy that was comming over first was texting me being like "what happened between you and your bf?" I was like dude, what the fuck? where not friends so calm down. Didnt say that word for word. But hes was texting me also being real dirty etc (that shit is disgusting and its like, what are you 12 and wanking off to this? gross), then he was texting me being like "you make me nervous, your so cool, I gotta admit im pretty intimidated by you".... I literally LOLed. Cool? whhhhaaaat. Nervous?? whaaaaat. I was like "Its just me, dont worry" ... while he was texting me non stop, I was just like ughhhh, just shut up and come over, im getting sick of this. I guess this is pretty mean of me, hes still a human with feelings etc. But for me, he was just my object. Not even object of desire. More like object of convenience. Anyway, he came over, we pretty much just went straight to me room and got into it. Weird thing is, within the first 15 mins of it, I wanted out. But you cant just be like "hey can you leave?" when your just getting started. Its rude.
The thing about this guy, he has a massive dick (Actually, this is the only reason I first ever slept with him. Me and my girlfriends had heard about it, and used to joke about it etc. So of course, I had to see it for myself. No lies. Rumors were true. Anything to prove a point (typical me)). Anyway so with that fact out there, I thought it would be fun. It wasnt. Firstly, It was weird even kissing someone different, And this guy is into some weird shit. Like I would actually have to be like "NOOOOOOO, thats yuuuuccckkkkkk". I dont even know if i can write down some of the weird stuff that was done/tried. I have bite marks on my body, bruises, my body is literally aching everywhere and the bite marks have stained my skin/ neck/ chest/ back. I slept with a vampire/ was attacked!!! The whole time, I was like "FUCK NOT HAVING A CLOCK ON MY WALL" I wanted to know how long was left, until he had to leave. Its not that it was "Boring" in fact he made me feel like the worlds most boring person in bed, because he was so .... yeah... frisky (yuck word). I think I was boring, because I just became not interested in it. I didnt even care if it seemed rude. Anyway after about an hour, I went to the "bathroom", I didnt even need to go, and when i came back he was like "Do you want me to leave?" and I was like "Kinda" , I just wanted it over with. He was like "umm... ooookkk" He started getting dressed and stopped, he jumped on my bed and tried to keep going ( in my head I was like what are you doing???? Im blatently over this), I kinda jokingly , cutely brushed him off, and he kept getting dressed, and he was like to me "All I am is a big dick, who you wanted in your pants" WOAH WOAH WOAH WHAT?! IS THIS GUY FOR REAL??? He completely knew what this meeting was about. It wasnt to be friends or in a relationship . What a fucking woman. Yes, I am being mean, but this guy is a slut. I knew it, he knows it, dont pretend like your into me, jerk off, just leave. I said "dont be like that". We said our goodbyes and he left. I was so relieved he was gone.
Afterwards, I felt like complete and utter shit. I mean obviously I didnt really think that this would help right?? Did I think that having sex with someone would solidify the fact that I was single? Moment in weakness? A reason for stregnth?
Whatever the reason, I shouldnt have done it. I dont feel like it was a coping thing. I defintily just felt like having sex, and I got it , and then I wished that I didnt get it. Although it didnt feel that simple. Infact, it kinda made me want to see my ex. Yes, he is my previous someone. I still love the boy, he is one of my best friends, and I tell him everything. Part of me felt guilty, all of me wished it didnt happen, I didnt wanna hurt him or piss him off, but he was the only one that I wanted there, or to talk to . So I did. I firstly made him promise not to hang up on me. He went a bit quiet and asked me if he knew the person, confirmed that I was sober. He thought I mightve said that I pashed someone, not slept with. He found out how upset I was with myself and that I obviously wasnt happy about my choice, and was good about it, and supportive etc. I wonder if that was weird for him? I wasnt at all trying to get a reaction from him. I couldnt be that manipulative. I do find his reaction strange. Considering if he had told me that, I wouldve cried. I think it definitly made me appreciate him. Past and Present tense.
I didnt even think about that second guy, Ignored the text messege.
Today is.... painful. In more ways then one. Im not even trying to be funny.
So for the moment. I dont wanna have sex. I felt like I had disrespected my body. Kinda like how I feel the next day after a massive night, of like drinking 1ltre of vodka and 500 cigarettes.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Only Just A Dream
Diamond in the rough?
Or Diamante in the rough?
Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. I guess it is not until you place them next to each other that you will truely notice the difference in quality.
Aiming to throw out the diamante and keeping the diamond close for the purposes of clarity and beauty.
My thought for the day.
Stay safe and risk everything always.
Or Diamante in the rough?
Sometimes it is hard to tell the difference. I guess it is not until you place them next to each other that you will truely notice the difference in quality.
Aiming to throw out the diamante and keeping the diamond close for the purposes of clarity and beauty.
My thought for the day.
Stay safe and risk everything always.
Sunday, October 24, 2010
DEUCES
Im fairly creatively dry at the moment. Im stuck between thinking and over analyzing things too much , and just being reallllllly meh and not giving a shit.
I think im more meh, cos I just don't care right now about anything. Not numb, just like im a guy or something. Non emo-tional....
Im all about taking it day by day. Got a few days off in a couple of weeks and I cannot wait!!
Don't know what to do... where to go..........who cares, its not work.
WEEKEND REFLECTION TIME:
Had a party at my house on saturday night. Shit got wild. I was a brat/hyper. But I love parties at my place, always amazing people, music and goodtimes. Best combo.
I love my friends. Didn't overly enjoy the next day. Stuffs a bit weird with a certain someone. Not weird, I don't mean that. Im actually kinda maybe sorta ok with stuff. But we are not together, and probably take things a bit further then normal "friends". Maybe its a comfort thing, its probably an alcohol thing. Maybe its cos theres no pressure, expectation or title? I feel different. Like I don't care as much. Not about him, just about the little stuff that I used to sweat. I mean I still hate bailers. And that will never change. Obviously, if i could go back and do stuff different, i would. But then im glad i learnt that lesson of rreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee laxing.
Gotta admit, I really dont remember alot from saturday night. "APPARENTLY" I called this girl a bitch (not in a "YOU BITCH?!" way, but in a "Hey bitch" kinda way, hopefully theres a difference), I took a bottle of champange (who knows where from), took my friend hostage and made her not leave my room until it was gone (HAH), was pashing a certain someone all over the show- infront of everyone (EW not my style) etc etc. I was like "OK ive heard enough". Bit embarassing. I usually remember everything.
I was supose to hang out with that certain someone yesturday but it didnt happen. I felt a little dissapointed. And to be honest, the ACTUAL dissapointment from not hanging out with him lasted all of 5mins. Thats all. Then I got reeeeeeaaaalllll dissapointed that I got disspointed. Because I honestly feel like it was a momentary step back for me. And i was like "OH no no no no no.... we are NOT going down this path again, how dare you feel that way?". Im not really sure why we have been getting up to the things we have been, this forshore is not how normal ex's act. Well to be honest, I havnt really done the friends thing with ex's before. But people are def not hesitant to tell me that its not the way it should be done. Well when i say "people" I mean a small few. But seriously in my head like "fuck off". I hate being told what to do, or how i should be feeling... like" excuse me? According to who? you and your great love life? please" and naturally being a bit of a rebel I just wanna do the opposite of what they are advising. fuck i hate being told what to do. Its funny though, cos there like "blah blah, hes mind fucking you, be careful, this isnt normal rah rah rah" i am literally sitting there, i didnt bring this convo up and I dont really bring this topic up with many if any, because i just dont wanna be one of those girls who goes back and fourth, back and fourth about someone. Id rather just stay silent on this one. But now im made to feel guilty for doing what I choose to do with my life, and i feel like im being told off, kinda feeling like shit and the line "its just cos i care about you" comes....
Its like the whole, when your younger your parents smack you for nearly crossing the road without looking and its because they "love you and dont want you to get hurt" ... yet they did hurt you, cos they hit you. maybe thats not an accurate comparison. Dont know where i was going with that one.
But yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh random shit.
Anyway, All I know is that I wanna be with someone who 100% wants to be with me. And im not going to convince someone or settle for otherwise.
ANYWAY. Im kinda kean to head out this weekend, for a girls night out this time. I acutally just want it to be me and one other girl, for a bit of a single ladies night out. Maybe go to the strip club, meet some bitches, throw some stacks at them, take em home. Joking.
But Girls night out, get silly , met/pash people and just have a smashing good time. Or maybe I wont and I will just stay home and be a homebody. Kinda feel like having family time. It will keep me out of trouble also........................................ WHO KNOWS.
I think im more meh, cos I just don't care right now about anything. Not numb, just like im a guy or something. Non emo-tional....
Im all about taking it day by day. Got a few days off in a couple of weeks and I cannot wait!!
Don't know what to do... where to go..........who cares, its not work.
WEEKEND REFLECTION TIME:
Had a party at my house on saturday night. Shit got wild. I was a brat/hyper. But I love parties at my place, always amazing people, music and goodtimes. Best combo.
I love my friends. Didn't overly enjoy the next day. Stuffs a bit weird with a certain someone. Not weird, I don't mean that. Im actually kinda maybe sorta ok with stuff. But we are not together, and probably take things a bit further then normal "friends". Maybe its a comfort thing, its probably an alcohol thing. Maybe its cos theres no pressure, expectation or title? I feel different. Like I don't care as much. Not about him, just about the little stuff that I used to sweat. I mean I still hate bailers. And that will never change. Obviously, if i could go back and do stuff different, i would. But then im glad i learnt that lesson of rreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee laxing.
Gotta admit, I really dont remember alot from saturday night. "APPARENTLY" I called this girl a bitch (not in a "YOU BITCH?!" way, but in a "Hey bitch" kinda way, hopefully theres a difference), I took a bottle of champange (who knows where from), took my friend hostage and made her not leave my room until it was gone (HAH), was pashing a certain someone all over the show- infront of everyone (EW not my style) etc etc. I was like "OK ive heard enough". Bit embarassing. I usually remember everything.
I was supose to hang out with that certain someone yesturday but it didnt happen. I felt a little dissapointed. And to be honest, the ACTUAL dissapointment from not hanging out with him lasted all of 5mins. Thats all. Then I got reeeeeeaaaalllll dissapointed that I got disspointed. Because I honestly feel like it was a momentary step back for me. And i was like "OH no no no no no.... we are NOT going down this path again, how dare you feel that way?". Im not really sure why we have been getting up to the things we have been, this forshore is not how normal ex's act. Well to be honest, I havnt really done the friends thing with ex's before. But people are def not hesitant to tell me that its not the way it should be done. Well when i say "people" I mean a small few. But seriously in my head like "fuck off". I hate being told what to do, or how i should be feeling... like" excuse me? According to who? you and your great love life? please" and naturally being a bit of a rebel I just wanna do the opposite of what they are advising. fuck i hate being told what to do. Its funny though, cos there like "blah blah, hes mind fucking you, be careful, this isnt normal rah rah rah" i am literally sitting there, i didnt bring this convo up and I dont really bring this topic up with many if any, because i just dont wanna be one of those girls who goes back and fourth, back and fourth about someone. Id rather just stay silent on this one. But now im made to feel guilty for doing what I choose to do with my life, and i feel like im being told off, kinda feeling like shit and the line "its just cos i care about you" comes....
Its like the whole, when your younger your parents smack you for nearly crossing the road without looking and its because they "love you and dont want you to get hurt" ... yet they did hurt you, cos they hit you. maybe thats not an accurate comparison. Dont know where i was going with that one.
But yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh random shit.
Anyway, All I know is that I wanna be with someone who 100% wants to be with me. And im not going to convince someone or settle for otherwise.
ANYWAY. Im kinda kean to head out this weekend, for a girls night out this time. I acutally just want it to be me and one other girl, for a bit of a single ladies night out. Maybe go to the strip club, meet some bitches, throw some stacks at them, take em home. Joking.
But Girls night out, get silly , met/pash people and just have a smashing good time. Or maybe I wont and I will just stay home and be a homebody. Kinda feel like having family time. It will keep me out of trouble also........................................ WHO KNOWS.
Sunday, October 17, 2010
Weekend Ordeals
Lord. The weekend was had and had largely. I was practically drunk or hung over the whole time. I was not a fan. So ill.
Friday night. Went out for Dinner. It was gooood. SO between two people we went through, sushi, two bottles of wine, 4 cocktails, sake (FREE) and more sake. Oh and then went to Down town local (NO JUDGEMENT), had a jug of beer (between three girls), but also got this beer bought for me by this guy, mind you, dunno if it was worth it I had to sit there and listen to his weird ass stories about the simply red concert (bore) shoulda told him to take the beer back and that it was NOT worth it. But didnt.
Then went to Rain (no more further judgement), drunk red bull and vodka, vodka and limes, then a bitta drama started with one of the girls i was with and her boyfriend (wasnt overly impressed with this bitch, she txt me ex while i was letting her use my phone to txt her boyf, and said i was on a date that night. Like please, dont.."Tell him it was just me being a dick" yeah,,, sounds SO believable. Oh well), saw some people i knew at rain, which was cool, but most of the night i was getting txties from a work mate/ friend of mine and he was telling me to come meet him.
So ditched the drama and went to meet him. moment i walked in he had a shot and some drink waiting for me. He was with another one of my work mates, who was like "Heard your single, will you fuck me now?" "Charming , of course" . Sarcasim. Wouldnt. Ever. And it was just amazing chilling with these boys. So rad. Apart from them thinking im some sort of blow up doll, grabbing my ass, picking me up, pushing me into random guys. But I was too drunk to care/do anything about it. Plus , there mates.
We then went to mini bar. And this guy started talking to me. My tolerance for assholes is literally at 0, and i was like " God help the first guy who comes up and talks to me i swear" Cos i would be mean. BUT was nice to this guy. He was talking to me about fuck knows what, and then i was like "Look, im NOT going to bone you and im NOT even going to kiss you" He said "cool I dont buy girls drinks" I said "Good for you" and 5 mins later I had a drink, and he didnt have a pash. One for me, NONE for him. He got my number. He said he wanted to "kick it old school and take me on a date" ,,, i was kean for the moment. Then as he was getting to know my friends, and just generally trying a bit too hard, I really couldnt care less. I became completely dissintereted. I think its the whole "get out there , get amongst it, find someone else" Ive always done shit at my own pace, you know? No one can rush me, no one can make me do something I dont wanna do, and I honestly was just like, Its not what I had. Which is a bit mean on my part, just flat out not ready. I dont even know if I could pash someone else. Is that weird?
then I had a panic attack basically, and was just like i cannot do this!!? I looked at my friend, and was like "Love you, but im not feeling this, Think i needa go, I needa leave" and he was like "go go go , its ok, i understand" I didnt even say anything to that guy. He txt me. Dont care. Didnt respond.
Saturday. this party. so much fun. yet again, panic attack. Im telling you, there was some babes that night, i was like holy crap, so fine. But I only talked to like two of them. then just hung out with my friends, and walked home by myself after my panic attack through rapes alley. IDIOT. cannot afford to get myself in that position again. So need to either, stop drinking or dont go to the burbs. Think itll be the drinking thing though. Clearly mentally i cannot handle it right now.
Ive got some time off comming up, might be going to see mum. would be amazing if i could. needa good break. instead of breakdown.
Sunday i went and visited my fam for lunch , got given so much food, then went supermarket shopping. love pack and save. Came home, and to be honest, was a bit sad. Prolly the natural depression from the bender i just had. But was preeettttty lonely. So just put my ass to bed. I saw 3am on the clock. O dear. Oh well im sure itll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeee.
Friday night. Went out for Dinner. It was gooood. SO between two people we went through, sushi, two bottles of wine, 4 cocktails, sake (FREE) and more sake. Oh and then went to Down town local (NO JUDGEMENT), had a jug of beer (between three girls), but also got this beer bought for me by this guy, mind you, dunno if it was worth it I had to sit there and listen to his weird ass stories about the simply red concert (bore) shoulda told him to take the beer back and that it was NOT worth it. But didnt.
Then went to Rain (no more further judgement), drunk red bull and vodka, vodka and limes, then a bitta drama started with one of the girls i was with and her boyfriend (wasnt overly impressed with this bitch, she txt me ex while i was letting her use my phone to txt her boyf, and said i was on a date that night. Like please, dont.."Tell him it was just me being a dick" yeah,,, sounds SO believable. Oh well), saw some people i knew at rain, which was cool, but most of the night i was getting txties from a work mate/ friend of mine and he was telling me to come meet him.
So ditched the drama and went to meet him. moment i walked in he had a shot and some drink waiting for me. He was with another one of my work mates, who was like "Heard your single, will you fuck me now?" "Charming , of course" . Sarcasim. Wouldnt. Ever. And it was just amazing chilling with these boys. So rad. Apart from them thinking im some sort of blow up doll, grabbing my ass, picking me up, pushing me into random guys. But I was too drunk to care/do anything about it. Plus , there mates.
We then went to mini bar. And this guy started talking to me. My tolerance for assholes is literally at 0, and i was like " God help the first guy who comes up and talks to me i swear" Cos i would be mean. BUT was nice to this guy. He was talking to me about fuck knows what, and then i was like "Look, im NOT going to bone you and im NOT even going to kiss you" He said "cool I dont buy girls drinks" I said "Good for you" and 5 mins later I had a drink, and he didnt have a pash. One for me, NONE for him. He got my number. He said he wanted to "kick it old school and take me on a date" ,,, i was kean for the moment. Then as he was getting to know my friends, and just generally trying a bit too hard, I really couldnt care less. I became completely dissintereted. I think its the whole "get out there , get amongst it, find someone else" Ive always done shit at my own pace, you know? No one can rush me, no one can make me do something I dont wanna do, and I honestly was just like, Its not what I had. Which is a bit mean on my part, just flat out not ready. I dont even know if I could pash someone else. Is that weird?
then I had a panic attack basically, and was just like i cannot do this!!? I looked at my friend, and was like "Love you, but im not feeling this, Think i needa go, I needa leave" and he was like "go go go , its ok, i understand" I didnt even say anything to that guy. He txt me. Dont care. Didnt respond.
Saturday. this party. so much fun. yet again, panic attack. Im telling you, there was some babes that night, i was like holy crap, so fine. But I only talked to like two of them. then just hung out with my friends, and walked home by myself after my panic attack through rapes alley. IDIOT. cannot afford to get myself in that position again. So need to either, stop drinking or dont go to the burbs. Think itll be the drinking thing though. Clearly mentally i cannot handle it right now.
Ive got some time off comming up, might be going to see mum. would be amazing if i could. needa good break. instead of breakdown.
Sunday i went and visited my fam for lunch , got given so much food, then went supermarket shopping. love pack and save. Came home, and to be honest, was a bit sad. Prolly the natural depression from the bender i just had. But was preeettttty lonely. So just put my ass to bed. I saw 3am on the clock. O dear. Oh well im sure itll be fiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnnnnnneeeeee.
Thursday, October 14, 2010
horocopes and parents
Mine are so good today! Both horoscopes and parents. Realise I just commented on one horoscope and one parent. Heres an ode to the other. firstly horoscope:
"You're not as excited about an endeavor as you once were. But someone new will get involved and fan the flames once more. You'll quickly make inroads. "
UM COOOOOOL?! Someone new? how exciting. An Endeavor? Even better.
And a txt from my daddy randomly tonight:
"Things are always harder when the hearts down, remember to have fun and a laugh in the weekend and get some good sleep"......
NOICE. Will do. Done . Dusted. Bi Polar.hah.
"You're not as excited about an endeavor as you once were. But someone new will get involved and fan the flames once more. You'll quickly make inroads. "
UM COOOOOOL?! Someone new? how exciting. An Endeavor? Even better.
And a txt from my daddy randomly tonight:
"Things are always harder when the hearts down, remember to have fun and a laugh in the weekend and get some good sleep"......
NOICE. Will do. Done . Dusted. Bi Polar.hah.
crying in the breast milk.
Its nearly the weekend. SO SO SOOOOO happy.
Sushi and Sake date tonight.
Family Breakfast
Chat with Mammy
Oppertunity shopping/ Costume shopping
Get Ready
Drunk.
My mum emailed me about the sex post. Shes so funny/cool. "remember my sweet one, nothing shocks me !!! I am cool with what you wrote. LOVE those questions too, funny how in life there are more questions than answers .. hmmmm".......
I think shes my number one fan of this thing.
Im feeling a bit more optimistic about things. Maybe its cos Its the weekend. Maybe its because Im so over feeling this way. And no one else can make that change except me right?
My Mum also sent me my horoscope, and I dont believe in these things. I think they are a bit of a money making scam, and that they are soooo general and can be applied to most situations, but anywho, my mum sent me mine today (she checks mine, cute):
Your October Monthly Forecast: What precisely is it that you wish you had more of? Money? Help? Wisdom? Support? Understanding? Opportunity? Time? Something is lacking and you feel sure that it is a physical resource, not a mental or emotional one. Yet, actually, if you had just a bit more nerve and ingenuity, you could soon compensate for what's seemingly missing. Don't persuade yourself, in October, that you'll never get enough of what you need. Look instead for ways to make what you've got go further. You are more protected than you realise. The cosmos intends to do all it can, soon, to move your life on in the best possible way. The cosmic blueprint of your life was written in code across the sky at the moment you were born
Kinda find it motivating and definitly how I have been feeling. I also havnt been happy with the realisation that I relied my happiness on one or two things. I dont think thats right, and its never been the case before. Its not all negative, what Ive been through. And I wouldnt take it back. The time I had was very much appreciated and treasured.
GOOD RIDDINS BITCHES.
Sushi and Sake date tonight.
Family Breakfast
Chat with Mammy
Oppertunity shopping/ Costume shopping
Get Ready
Drunk.
My mum emailed me about the sex post. Shes so funny/cool. "remember my sweet one, nothing shocks me !!! I am cool with what you wrote. LOVE those questions too, funny how in life there are more questions than answers .. hmmmm".......
I think shes my number one fan of this thing.
Im feeling a bit more optimistic about things. Maybe its cos Its the weekend. Maybe its because Im so over feeling this way. And no one else can make that change except me right?
My Mum also sent me my horoscope, and I dont believe in these things. I think they are a bit of a money making scam, and that they are soooo general and can be applied to most situations, but anywho, my mum sent me mine today (she checks mine, cute):
Your October Monthly Forecast: What precisely is it that you wish you had more of? Money? Help? Wisdom? Support? Understanding? Opportunity? Time? Something is lacking and you feel sure that it is a physical resource, not a mental or emotional one. Yet, actually, if you had just a bit more nerve and ingenuity, you could soon compensate for what's seemingly missing. Don't persuade yourself, in October, that you'll never get enough of what you need. Look instead for ways to make what you've got go further. You are more protected than you realise. The cosmos intends to do all it can, soon, to move your life on in the best possible way. The cosmic blueprint of your life was written in code across the sky at the moment you were born
Kinda find it motivating and definitly how I have been feeling. I also havnt been happy with the realisation that I relied my happiness on one or two things. I dont think thats right, and its never been the case before. Its not all negative, what Ive been through. And I wouldnt take it back. The time I had was very much appreciated and treasured.
GOOD RIDDINS BITCHES.
Wednesday, October 13, 2010
???????????????
Bullet points.
- Do I put other people first too often?
- Do I know how not too?
- Am I completely selfish?
- Have I given too much of myself to people?
- Will I regret it?
- Do people get too many chances with me?
- Will I be appreciated? Ever?
- Will life get the better of me?
- I Will feel normal/ happy again right?
- Will I always be the girl who someone dosnt want but dosnt want anyone else to have?
- Am I really always destined for friendship in someones eyes/Heart?
- Am I that impossible?
- Am I this insecure/ Questioning?
- What happened to my killer confidence?
- How do I get it back?
- Does time really heal everything? Or just make it easier?
- Am I destined for bigger things? Or worse?
- How much can one person take at one time?
- Am I really a person ,people desire to have?
- Do people really enjoy my company?
- Is a doubting mind a healthy one?
- Does it promote change?
- Will he ever want me?
- Am I being specific with "he" ? or being general?
- Am I feeding myself false hope?
- Am I just reallllllly tired?
- Do I want White or Red WHINE?
- Do I put other people first too often?
- Do I know how not too?
- Am I completely selfish?
- Have I given too much of myself to people?
- Will I regret it?
- Do people get too many chances with me?
- Will I be appreciated? Ever?
- Will life get the better of me?
- I Will feel normal/ happy again right?
- Will I always be the girl who someone dosnt want but dosnt want anyone else to have?
- Am I really always destined for friendship in someones eyes/Heart?
- Am I that impossible?
- Am I this insecure/ Questioning?
- What happened to my killer confidence?
- How do I get it back?
- Does time really heal everything? Or just make it easier?
- Am I destined for bigger things? Or worse?
- How much can one person take at one time?
- Am I really a person ,people desire to have?
- Do people really enjoy my company?
- Is a doubting mind a healthy one?
- Does it promote change?
- Will he ever want me?
- Am I being specific with "he" ? or being general?
- Am I feeding myself false hope?
- Am I just reallllllly tired?
- Do I want White or Red WHINE?
S.E.X. Lets talk about it yeah?
Sexual intercourse ( sorry mum, I know you read this).
SUCH an interesting topic. Prolly one of my faves to talk about. I just find it interesting. Dont get me wrong, there is certian people that I dont wanna hear anything from about this topic. Like not at all, please stop, fingers in ears situation.
Im at work. Sooooo hahaha this bitch is on minimize (mini me size).
Like what defines a slut? Is it a number vs. the age of that person? Is the amount of people at one time that someone is "seeing" ? Like "Seeing" what? yes, you are def seeing, why wouldnt they call it "feeling" . Like im just "feeling" this guy right, hes like ....... that would make more sense right?
In my experience with sluts ( hahaha, A PLENTY) . I would generally speaking say it was someone who just has no boundaries when it comes to sex. Who its with, how many people, when, where etc etc. No respect for either parties. I dont think its purely about numbers. .. maybe it is. I feel I would be shooting myself in the foot if I said that, with my past being that, my past.
With being with different people, I kinda felt I had a new found respect for people and peoples bodies. The more bodies you see, the more respect for humans and insecurities I think you have. No doubt, theres those insecurities that everyone has. Things that they wouldnt want people to notice about them when you are literally in your most vunerable state (nakkkkkeeeyyy), I kinda think thats cool. Like knowing or noticing those things in someone, and how much you realise that people actually dont care. Maybe its diff for girls and guys. i swear most guys dont give a shit, because there gettttttinnnn soooommmme. Dogs. But PERSONALLY, I just think its cool. That no one else might no about that, except you. I gotta admit, im really not that self concious about being naked. And seeing that confidence in someone else I FIND completely hot. But also someone whos a little self concious about that, but then lets that go for you, is so hot too.
Maybe its that caring, nuturing girl in me. But I wanna cradle that insecurity and make that person feel amazing about themselves.
Then theres those traumatic experiences. Where its not about making that person feel the way they should , its more about "wham bam, thanks bitch". Im not going to lie. I am guilty of that also. where i just dont care to its greatest extent and its about me and no im not going to do that to you, cos i dont like you, i am simply using you. Geeeeessssssss that makes me seem awful. But its the truth. And I think it makes you appreciate "love making" (GROSS, thats such a weird name, like what? your creating it by calling it that? No.) but maybe more less having sex rather then fucking. Im sure in context you wouldnt be like "oh yeah me and my boyfriend were fucking last night right?" Wouldnt you be inclined to say "Oh yeah me and my boyfriend were having sex last night right?" Dunno, just seems more respectful and tame. Maybe thats just me. But id kinda be like um oooohhhhhh kkk.. If someone said effing. Like common, thats your boyfriend, respect hunny.
I always find it interesting to find out about other peoples perspective on this subject. Like how many people have they boned, the weirdest thing sexually that they have done or have had done, the abnormalties they have seen on someone etc etc. It so amazing. Some people have THE weirdest stories. My sluts certainly do.
Then, how important is sex? how often is enough? Is there such thing? is there too much? When are you "suppose" to have sex within a relationship/dating? 3rd date? too soon? too late? romance? lust? So mannnnnnyyyyy questions. Its like i was just given birth too and i dont know how the world works.
what makes that person the person who your like, "Actually, im not just going to bone you, I kinda wanna take it slow and enjoy you" VS. "dont know if i really like you, but i think i wanna rip your clothes off anyway?" ....
I dont have a problem with drunken sex. To a degree. Obviously its not ideal , ideal. But kinda think its a bit fun too. I think you let go of alot of things when you do . And that sense of "probs shouldnt be doing this, but its fun being drunk, free and in the moment". Next days where its not sooooo goood. Me personally? I hate morning sex. Mostly if you were drunk its the pits. D-scusting. I actually am like "nooooooooooooo iiiii ddoooonnt wannnnnna , its yucckkkkkk". Seriously, Have a shower, brush your teeth, then talk to me. until then, I REALLY dont wanna know yah. I guess im talking with randoms now, because if its someone you care about, you dont overly worry about those things.
Random talk. Once agian. Apologies Mum. You know me, honest!
SUCH an interesting topic. Prolly one of my faves to talk about. I just find it interesting. Dont get me wrong, there is certian people that I dont wanna hear anything from about this topic. Like not at all, please stop, fingers in ears situation.
Im at work. Sooooo hahaha this bitch is on minimize (mini me size).
Like what defines a slut? Is it a number vs. the age of that person? Is the amount of people at one time that someone is "seeing" ? Like "Seeing" what? yes, you are def seeing, why wouldnt they call it "feeling" . Like im just "feeling" this guy right, hes like ....... that would make more sense right?
In my experience with sluts ( hahaha, A PLENTY) . I would generally speaking say it was someone who just has no boundaries when it comes to sex. Who its with, how many people, when, where etc etc. No respect for either parties. I dont think its purely about numbers. .. maybe it is. I feel I would be shooting myself in the foot if I said that, with my past being that, my past.
With being with different people, I kinda felt I had a new found respect for people and peoples bodies. The more bodies you see, the more respect for humans and insecurities I think you have. No doubt, theres those insecurities that everyone has. Things that they wouldnt want people to notice about them when you are literally in your most vunerable state (nakkkkkeeeyyy), I kinda think thats cool. Like knowing or noticing those things in someone, and how much you realise that people actually dont care. Maybe its diff for girls and guys. i swear most guys dont give a shit, because there gettttttinnnn soooommmme. Dogs. But PERSONALLY, I just think its cool. That no one else might no about that, except you. I gotta admit, im really not that self concious about being naked. And seeing that confidence in someone else I FIND completely hot. But also someone whos a little self concious about that, but then lets that go for you, is so hot too.
Maybe its that caring, nuturing girl in me. But I wanna cradle that insecurity and make that person feel amazing about themselves.
Then theres those traumatic experiences. Where its not about making that person feel the way they should , its more about "wham bam, thanks bitch". Im not going to lie. I am guilty of that also. where i just dont care to its greatest extent and its about me and no im not going to do that to you, cos i dont like you, i am simply using you. Geeeeessssssss that makes me seem awful. But its the truth. And I think it makes you appreciate "love making" (GROSS, thats such a weird name, like what? your creating it by calling it that? No.) but maybe more less having sex rather then fucking. Im sure in context you wouldnt be like "oh yeah me and my boyfriend were fucking last night right?" Wouldnt you be inclined to say "Oh yeah me and my boyfriend were having sex last night right?" Dunno, just seems more respectful and tame. Maybe thats just me. But id kinda be like um oooohhhhhh kkk.. If someone said effing. Like common, thats your boyfriend, respect hunny.
I always find it interesting to find out about other peoples perspective on this subject. Like how many people have they boned, the weirdest thing sexually that they have done or have had done, the abnormalties they have seen on someone etc etc. It so amazing. Some people have THE weirdest stories. My sluts certainly do.
Then, how important is sex? how often is enough? Is there such thing? is there too much? When are you "suppose" to have sex within a relationship/dating? 3rd date? too soon? too late? romance? lust? So mannnnnnyyyyy questions. Its like i was just given birth too and i dont know how the world works.
what makes that person the person who your like, "Actually, im not just going to bone you, I kinda wanna take it slow and enjoy you" VS. "dont know if i really like you, but i think i wanna rip your clothes off anyway?" ....
I dont have a problem with drunken sex. To a degree. Obviously its not ideal , ideal. But kinda think its a bit fun too. I think you let go of alot of things when you do . And that sense of "probs shouldnt be doing this, but its fun being drunk, free and in the moment". Next days where its not sooooo goood. Me personally? I hate morning sex. Mostly if you were drunk its the pits. D-scusting. I actually am like "nooooooooooooo iiiii ddoooonnt wannnnnna , its yucckkkkkk". Seriously, Have a shower, brush your teeth, then talk to me. until then, I REALLY dont wanna know yah. I guess im talking with randoms now, because if its someone you care about, you dont overly worry about those things.
Random talk. Once agian. Apologies Mum. You know me, honest!
Not myself tonight...
Or at the moment.
Dunno what im feeling, why im feeling and how im feeling. So fucking sick of feelings. I always thought of myself as a fairly logical thinker/feeler. Being raised by my dad would be the reason for this. I feel somewhere along the way I semi lost this. I want it baaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkk. Its easier if you think its black and white. I think thats where a huge part of my " Boss Bitch " front comes from . Feelings could be simple but when adding dimensions to it, it adds complication. I like simplicity. Feeding the brain sometimes isnt the best thing. Especially if your feeding it junk food. Not speaking in a litieral sense.
Im pretty sure I just spoke about nothing in that paragraph. It has meaning but I cant be assed being specific.
I GUESS, i just think too much feelings go into feelings. And its not only exhausting, I get sick of talking about them, and I get sick of feeling them. "youth is wasted on the young" (Oscar wilde) well "feeling is wasted on feelings" (Me).
At the moment, people prolly dont notice alot of change in me.. For the majority of it, I literally am just talking peoples heads off, usual blab face about stupid shit that dosnt really matter I guess. Silence is a little scary right now. Im kinda scared if im silent, someone will look at my face and see that im not myself. Dont get me wrong, im not like "my lifes over, and its so so so sooooo awful" I really dont think I could ever say those words in relation to my life , theres people that are just so much worse off its sickening and sad to think about, but im almost just completely wanting to hang out by myself. I also had a thought like, I dont know if in so long anyones been like "are you ok, like truely ok? Like how are you ? " in a complete and utter genuine sense. Not just because of the way we are trained in conversation where its as vital as "hello" and "goodbye". I mean, im asking because i actually care and truely wanna know whats going on beyond that face. I feel those questions are kinda hard to come by.
Anyways, wanting to hang out by myself. I really couldnt care if I only spent time with me for the next week. Funnily enough, my agendas full. People wanting to meet up etc. Vee appreciative of the people in my life right now. Gotta good bunch.
Im not SO depressed, dont worry.... Just want alot of quiet time because i dont quite feel myself.
hmmmmmmmmmm........................
Still looking foward to this sat night though. Not so much sunday. toats over hang overs.
I wanna go on a roadtrip. Or just a trip. Bitta temporary relief scenario.
My work is pretty slack with allowing me time off. So i think im going to give a bit of an ultimatium. Im going to be like "Look bitches (Respectfully), Im burning out, Give me time off, Or ill go to the docotors get a certificate and take some stress leave mother fuckers (Respectfully)". See what they say.
Shesh my language is that of a lady. wreakon?
Need a new job, new country, city , anything. Something new and exicitng. Time for change up in this thang.
NY next year though. Should be good times. I hope it happens. Could really do with some time in another country with one of my fav people. Just gotta make it happen. how long for, location , job etc. BOOOOOOOOOY got some work to do.
meh meh meh meh meh Dear motivation, please come and takkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeee oooooovvvvvvverrrr mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Thanks, Love me.
Dunno what im feeling, why im feeling and how im feeling. So fucking sick of feelings. I always thought of myself as a fairly logical thinker/feeler. Being raised by my dad would be the reason for this. I feel somewhere along the way I semi lost this. I want it baaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkk. Its easier if you think its black and white. I think thats where a huge part of my " Boss Bitch " front comes from . Feelings could be simple but when adding dimensions to it, it adds complication. I like simplicity. Feeding the brain sometimes isnt the best thing. Especially if your feeding it junk food. Not speaking in a litieral sense.
Im pretty sure I just spoke about nothing in that paragraph. It has meaning but I cant be assed being specific.
I GUESS, i just think too much feelings go into feelings. And its not only exhausting, I get sick of talking about them, and I get sick of feeling them. "youth is wasted on the young" (Oscar wilde) well "feeling is wasted on feelings" (Me).
At the moment, people prolly dont notice alot of change in me.. For the majority of it, I literally am just talking peoples heads off, usual blab face about stupid shit that dosnt really matter I guess. Silence is a little scary right now. Im kinda scared if im silent, someone will look at my face and see that im not myself. Dont get me wrong, im not like "my lifes over, and its so so so sooooo awful" I really dont think I could ever say those words in relation to my life , theres people that are just so much worse off its sickening and sad to think about, but im almost just completely wanting to hang out by myself. I also had a thought like, I dont know if in so long anyones been like "are you ok, like truely ok? Like how are you ? " in a complete and utter genuine sense. Not just because of the way we are trained in conversation where its as vital as "hello" and "goodbye". I mean, im asking because i actually care and truely wanna know whats going on beyond that face. I feel those questions are kinda hard to come by.
Anyways, wanting to hang out by myself. I really couldnt care if I only spent time with me for the next week. Funnily enough, my agendas full. People wanting to meet up etc. Vee appreciative of the people in my life right now. Gotta good bunch.
Im not SO depressed, dont worry.... Just want alot of quiet time because i dont quite feel myself.
hmmmmmmmmmm........................
Still looking foward to this sat night though. Not so much sunday. toats over hang overs.
I wanna go on a roadtrip. Or just a trip. Bitta temporary relief scenario.
My work is pretty slack with allowing me time off. So i think im going to give a bit of an ultimatium. Im going to be like "Look bitches (Respectfully), Im burning out, Give me time off, Or ill go to the docotors get a certificate and take some stress leave mother fuckers (Respectfully)". See what they say.
Shesh my language is that of a lady. wreakon?
Need a new job, new country, city , anything. Something new and exicitng. Time for change up in this thang.
NY next year though. Should be good times. I hope it happens. Could really do with some time in another country with one of my fav people. Just gotta make it happen. how long for, location , job etc. BOOOOOOOOOY got some work to do.
meh meh meh meh meh Dear motivation, please come and takkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeee oooooovvvvvvverrrr mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Thanks, Love me.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Thug life
So this weekend is exciting. Its one of my bestfriends, who is also my flatmates, 25th birthday. What an old bitch. She is having this HUGE party. Its a joint party ( not the drug type) , its this other guys leaving party. Hes going to L.A. Jeal.
The theme is ' Bronx thugs and Sexy Sinoritas ' . RIGHT up my Ally. I was like ok I can defs work with this. BUT im not a fan of dress up. Dont overly care what the theme is, if I have to wear costumes im not a huge fan. Because :
1) The trouble of finding a costume
2) The money it costs to pull one together. Espesh for shit that I doubt ill wear again
3) If you end up with some new friends in town, your the only retard in costume and have to constantly explain why you look weird.
St. Up. Im going as the above picture. Like a femme tupac.
It will be a little different. But i am going to wear baggy ass jeans, have boxers hanging over top, a white singlet, Checkerd shirt overtop, bandana and heels. My jeans are going to be slightly rolled up so heels will look ok. Im hoping. I gotta be slight femme otherwise i feel like the butchest mother out there. G - ross. Im also going to have massive knucklebuster rings, bright red lipstick and huge hoop earings. So needless to say, this is prolly the costume party that im looking foward too. It will be a good bunch of people, we are going to be drinking patrone (tis fittin, and i'll be swiggin), Good music , im single and just a smashing goodtime.
Sunday, October 10, 2010
Monday Fun/ BORE
Mondays are preeeeettttttty ghey. If im being honest. Thank the lord above they go fast. I feel anyway. Modays used to be amazing. A.k.A. Brothers and Sisters would be on T.V. Now? Nudding worth watching. Sad, Sad times.
Ive been feeling weird today. Real weird. Like I havnt been feeling the pain the last three days have been filled with. I dont know why. Well I sorta do.
I met up with *** last night. I dont really know why. And to be honest, I could see more reasons not too meet up with him, then too. But as I said in the below post, been hurt, really whats the worse that can happen? I guess I saw/heard how much he wanted me in his life. Not like that. But friends. No doubt in my mind it will be hard. And im still unsure. Im pretty wary. Like I think he thinks it will just go back to the way it was. Us being as comfortable as we were around each other, hanging out quiet a bit etc. And I just think realistically, it wont be like that. Lets be honest, history will always be there. Feelings that were had, will still linger. Feelings that were hurt, will still linger. For a little bit at least. Im not putting a date and time on it, If i wake up tomorrow and am over it- So be it. I would actually love that. But if in a months time, we have been hanging out and It just feels weird and I decide I cant really do it and to move on, I need to move- So be that.
I was reading something today (dont worry, not a self help book or anything retarded like that), and it said that when someone ends something with someone, its because they want a sense of freedom. So let them have that freedom. Let go. It kinda made me think about my own situation. I dont wanna feel like im restricting anyone from anything. I dont wanna be someones shackles or ball and chain. Regardless of the cliche about woman. It made me wonder if thats what he wanted. If he felt trapped. I mean I know I was quiet a demanding girlfriend. Dont get me wrong im not going to sit here and try and pick on myself and be too hard on myself-Id literally be kicking myself whilst down- but that line got me thinking. But if he wanted the freedom, why is he still wanting to be friends? If freedoms really whats being desired, embrace the new found freedom that he should be feeling and let me slide. Maybe im being a bit to black and white about it.
All I know is that im just going to take this slowly and do me for a while. Being single with my head held high. haha, lame.
Hes innitating to hang out more now then when we were together. So freaking odd. I guess every situation is different, designer, one off etc etc.
Day by Day is all ill say.
Ive been feeling weird today. Real weird. Like I havnt been feeling the pain the last three days have been filled with. I dont know why. Well I sorta do.
I met up with *** last night. I dont really know why. And to be honest, I could see more reasons not too meet up with him, then too. But as I said in the below post, been hurt, really whats the worse that can happen? I guess I saw/heard how much he wanted me in his life. Not like that. But friends. No doubt in my mind it will be hard. And im still unsure. Im pretty wary. Like I think he thinks it will just go back to the way it was. Us being as comfortable as we were around each other, hanging out quiet a bit etc. And I just think realistically, it wont be like that. Lets be honest, history will always be there. Feelings that were had, will still linger. Feelings that were hurt, will still linger. For a little bit at least. Im not putting a date and time on it, If i wake up tomorrow and am over it- So be it. I would actually love that. But if in a months time, we have been hanging out and It just feels weird and I decide I cant really do it and to move on, I need to move- So be that.
I was reading something today (dont worry, not a self help book or anything retarded like that), and it said that when someone ends something with someone, its because they want a sense of freedom. So let them have that freedom. Let go. It kinda made me think about my own situation. I dont wanna feel like im restricting anyone from anything. I dont wanna be someones shackles or ball and chain. Regardless of the cliche about woman. It made me wonder if thats what he wanted. If he felt trapped. I mean I know I was quiet a demanding girlfriend. Dont get me wrong im not going to sit here and try and pick on myself and be too hard on myself-Id literally be kicking myself whilst down- but that line got me thinking. But if he wanted the freedom, why is he still wanting to be friends? If freedoms really whats being desired, embrace the new found freedom that he should be feeling and let me slide. Maybe im being a bit to black and white about it.
All I know is that im just going to take this slowly and do me for a while. Being single with my head held high. haha, lame.
Hes innitating to hang out more now then when we were together. So freaking odd. I guess every situation is different, designer, one off etc etc.
Day by Day is all ill say.
Saturday, October 9, 2010
another day in paradise
So today i feel ok.
Not too bad. I couldn't decide if i wanted to meet up with him or not. I want to . But then i feel like everyones telling me not to make contact , to leave it a month, leave it a week, cut full stop. Like what the fuck am i suppose to do? I don't wanna be oblivious to the obvious. Like if they are seeing something im not, then ill listen. But its purely based on there own situations. there past. But you know what? this will be my past. These will be my mistakes and my successes. Ive gotta do what i want. Ive gotta grieve, Ive gotta have my days, Ive gotta have my happiness, etc. and to be honest, im grieving not only the loss of the relationship, which ill get over. But the loss of a friendship. which i dunno if i will. So i might be meeting up with him. I guess its just to see how i react with meeting him and him not being my boyfriend. it may hurt, but , im already hurting. It maybe ok, in that case, things will go extremely slowly.
Risk Risk Risk. Tisk Tisk Tisk.
Friday, October 8, 2010
Terms of Expression
This will be my therapy. That and just talking it out. But then also just staying silent.
Ive so far spent my time hanging with family. It has helped, but it doesn't either. I was scared to be alone, even if it was just in a shop. I like literally was sticking to my Dads side the whole time.
He's been really good about it. Considering he didn't even know i was in that relationship. Thats what im talking about incase you didn't figure that out.
I honestly feel bi polar. Like one minute im happy and im fine, and im like , yeah im strong, i can do this, cant NOBODY hold me down, and i get excited about life for a moment. then the next, i feel like i cant breathe, my hearts heavy yet empty, i get a lump in my throat and i just wanna cry and go to bed. I didn't even know if i could sleep feeling like this and asked my dad to shoot a horse tranquilizer in my ass so i could sleep for a few weeks. He was like "NO, you don't need to sleep for days, you can cry yourself to sleep tonight, your not the first person to do that, and you will get up tomorrow and get on with your weekend and enjoy yourself and do things that you wanna do and have fun. Sweetie you will find that switch inside your head that flicks and moves on, you just need to locate it." He also said that im going to have a few more of these heartbreaks before i find "the one" and that i should full stop cut him out of my life.
This is the thing right? He was like "i still wanna be apart of your life, i still wanna be around you, involved, and that would be the one thing that would cut me the most, is if i couldn't have that. I mean i would understand , but it would be really hard" I was like "How could i ever look at you through friendship eyes? How could i ever know whats appropriate, how i should touch you? I wouldn't be ever able to see you with someone else, i would die. what kinda friendship would that be?
And as much as i am hurting. He is the only one i want to go through it with me. I want him next to me, i don't want him to leave. I would like him to be helping me through this. Speaking like theres two different people. The one who broke me, and the one who will heal me. Its such an odd feeling. Talk about thoughts to make a person mental.
Still don't know what to do about his clothes. Burn them? give them to charity? Leave them in my letter box? Give them to him in person? I just don't know how this is suppose to go.
I thought i was falling in love with the guy. Maybe i was. And now i cant. That switch has to turn off mid feelings developing. Love is the strongest emotion. It makes people do the craziest things- Cliche but so fucking true.
Im trying to convince myself that the relationship wasn't right. Like there are certain things that were not ok about it, and that i compromised a lot on. For example; he never seemed like he wanted to hang out all the time. Which i think in the start of a relationship that should be the feeling right? Or maybe thats fantasy. but i felt that way. I wanted him around all the time. And i wanted that feeling back from him. I never really got it from him. I didn't take it as him not being interested, i just thought, he's got a lot of other stuff going on, study, family, friends etc. And just took it as that. Especially because he would see me after not seeing me for a few days and tell me that he missed me and he kissed me crazy beautiful. So i guess that would justify any hesitation i had in my mind. And if i ever kicked up a fuss about us not spending enough time, or whatever. I was made to feel bad. Enough for now.
new start
So, me and my boyfriend broke up.
Caught between me being like "hold on, i deserve better, probs shouldn't have been treated that way, your right , it is over" and " eff me im really going to miss you, i wanted to be with you, I want you and you don't want me"
Its weird. I feel anxious, relieved, ok, not ok, sad, angry, all sorts. The only way i got to sleep was by turning it around and turned angry at him. Sadness just isn't a good lullaby. I cant fall asleep to it.
I guess it was pretty left wing. I had no say in it. Its weird, in a relationship its all about 50/50, yet in ending things wise, it can be 100% one person, and the poor bitch getting it, just has to do that. Get it , and get over it.
A huge part of me was like " single, hello, its been a while, lets get crazy!" But i don't just wanna jump on the person next to me. Actually it wouldn't quite be like that. And as mature and boring as this sounds, like Ive had a couple of guys texting me while i was in this relationship and i was like "sorry guys, off the market" and now im on it. But i don't wanna take it up. Like i just feel it would make me feel so much worse. And if i woke up with them in my bed next to me the next day, and it wasn't my ex boyfriend (ugh that still feels awful), I would probley have a panic attack/ vom everywhere. Or cry. Cos i wont ever be waking up next to him again. Even though he was my favorite person to wake up next too. ugh sadness.
Everyone says that its best to surround yourself with people you love, keep busy. But its not him you know. Its not the person who i wanna be with. I cant have that. So for the now. It sucks ass.
I wanna new start, i wanna get excited. I wanna feel happy. I wanna be back to my strong badass bitch self. hopefully it happens soon.
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