Ive so far spent my time hanging with family. It has helped, but it doesn't either. I was scared to be alone, even if it was just in a shop. I like literally was sticking to my Dads side the whole time.
He's been really good about it. Considering he didn't even know i was in that relationship. Thats what im talking about incase you didn't figure that out.
I honestly feel bi polar. Like one minute im happy and im fine, and im like , yeah im strong, i can do this, cant NOBODY hold me down, and i get excited about life for a moment. then the next, i feel like i cant breathe, my hearts heavy yet empty, i get a lump in my throat and i just wanna cry and go to bed. I didn't even know if i could sleep feeling like this and asked my dad to shoot a horse tranquilizer in my ass so i could sleep for a few weeks. He was like "NO, you don't need to sleep for days, you can cry yourself to sleep tonight, your not the first person to do that, and you will get up tomorrow and get on with your weekend and enjoy yourself and do things that you wanna do and have fun. Sweetie you will find that switch inside your head that flicks and moves on, you just need to locate it." He also said that im going to have a few more of these heartbreaks before i find "the one" and that i should full stop cut him out of my life.
This is the thing right? He was like "i still wanna be apart of your life, i still wanna be around you, involved, and that would be the one thing that would cut me the most, is if i couldn't have that. I mean i would understand , but it would be really hard" I was like "How could i ever look at you through friendship eyes? How could i ever know whats appropriate, how i should touch you? I wouldn't be ever able to see you with someone else, i would die. what kinda friendship would that be?
And as much as i am hurting. He is the only one i want to go through it with me. I want him next to me, i don't want him to leave. I would like him to be helping me through this. Speaking like theres two different people. The one who broke me, and the one who will heal me. Its such an odd feeling. Talk about thoughts to make a person mental.
Still don't know what to do about his clothes. Burn them? give them to charity? Leave them in my letter box? Give them to him in person? I just don't know how this is suppose to go.
I thought i was falling in love with the guy. Maybe i was. And now i cant. That switch has to turn off mid feelings developing. Love is the strongest emotion. It makes people do the craziest things- Cliche but so fucking true.
Im trying to convince myself that the relationship wasn't right. Like there are certain things that were not ok about it, and that i compromised a lot on. For example; he never seemed like he wanted to hang out all the time. Which i think in the start of a relationship that should be the feeling right? Or maybe thats fantasy. but i felt that way. I wanted him around all the time. And i wanted that feeling back from him. I never really got it from him. I didn't take it as him not being interested, i just thought, he's got a lot of other stuff going on, study, family, friends etc. And just took it as that. Especially because he would see me after not seeing me for a few days and tell me that he missed me and he kissed me crazy beautiful. So i guess that would justify any hesitation i had in my mind. And if i ever kicked up a fuss about us not spending enough time, or whatever. I was made to feel bad. Enough for now.
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