DEUCES

Im fairly creatively dry at the moment. Im stuck between thinking and over analyzing things too much , and just being reallllllly meh and not giving a shit.
I think im more meh, cos I just don't care right now about anything. Not numb, just like im a guy or something. Non emo-tional....
Im all about taking it day by day. Got a few days off in a couple of weeks and I cannot wait!!
Don't know what to do... where to go..........who cares, its not work.

WEEKEND REFLECTION TIME:
Had a party at my house on saturday night. Shit got wild. I was a brat/hyper. But I love parties at my place, always amazing people, music and goodtimes. Best combo.
I love my friends. Didn't overly enjoy the next day. Stuffs a bit weird with a certain someone. Not weird, I don't mean that. Im actually kinda maybe sorta ok with stuff. But we are not together, and probably take things a bit further then normal "friends". Maybe its a comfort thing, its probably an alcohol thing. Maybe its cos theres no pressure, expectation or title? I feel different. Like I don't care as much. Not about him, just about the little stuff that I used to sweat. I mean I still hate bailers. And that will never change. Obviously, if i could go back and do stuff different, i would. But then im glad i learnt that lesson of rreeeeeeeeeeeeeeee laxing.
Gotta admit, I really dont remember alot from saturday night. "APPARENTLY" I called this girl a bitch (not in a "YOU BITCH?!" way, but in a "Hey bitch" kinda way, hopefully theres a difference), I took a bottle of champange (who knows where from), took my friend hostage and made her not leave my room until it was gone (HAH), was pashing a certain someone all over the show- infront of everyone (EW not my style) etc etc. I was like "OK ive heard enough". Bit embarassing. I usually remember everything.

I was supose to hang out with that certain someone yesturday but it didnt happen. I felt a little dissapointed. And to be honest, the ACTUAL dissapointment from not hanging out with him lasted all of 5mins. Thats all. Then I got reeeeeeaaaalllll dissapointed that I got disspointed. Because I honestly feel like it was a momentary step back for me. And i was like "OH no no no no no.... we are NOT going down this path again, how dare you feel that way?". Im not really sure why we have been getting up to the things we have been, this forshore is not how normal ex's act. Well to be honest, I havnt really done the friends thing with ex's before. But people are def not hesitant to tell me that its not the way it should be done. Well when i say "people" I mean a small few. But seriously in my head like "fuck off". I hate being told what to do, or how i should be feeling... like" excuse me? According to who? you and your great love life? please" and naturally being a bit of a rebel I just wanna do the opposite of what they are advising. fuck i hate being told what to do. Its funny though, cos there like "blah blah, hes mind fucking you, be careful, this isnt normal rah rah rah" i am literally sitting there, i didnt bring this convo up and I dont really bring this topic up with many if any, because i just dont wanna be one of those girls who goes back and fourth, back and fourth about someone. Id rather just stay silent on this one. But now im made to feel guilty for doing what I choose to do with my life, and i feel like im being told off, kinda feeling like shit and the line "its just cos i care about you" comes....
Its like the whole, when your younger your parents smack you for nearly crossing the road without looking and its because they "love you and dont want you to get hurt" ... yet they did hurt you, cos they hit you. maybe thats not an accurate comparison. Dont know where i was going with that one.
But yeaaaaaaaaaaaahhhh random shit.
Anyway, All I know is that I wanna be with someone who 100% wants to be with me. And im not going to convince someone or settle for otherwise.

ANYWAY. Im kinda kean to head out this weekend, for a girls night out this time. I acutally just want it to be me and one other girl, for a bit of a single ladies night out. Maybe go to the strip club, meet some bitches, throw some stacks at them, take em home. Joking.
But Girls night out, get silly , met/pash people and just have a smashing good time. Or maybe I wont and I will just stay home and be a homebody. Kinda feel like having family time. It will keep me out of trouble also........................................ WHO KNOWS.