You know how when your down and out, and theres that person or those people who are there "no matter what" - so they say, and you look around, and its as good as being in a desert in the sahara. No one for days. It feels like that. Except its inside my room, where i have hardly left in 24 hrs, Ive had so much sleep its ridiculous. I couldn't even bring myself to go to work today. I just felt so miserable. Yesterday it was crying that I felt I was on the verge of, today - Im just emotionless. I know its not a good idea to probably be around people. And in all honesty, I feel like there should be one person who should be interested, but dosnt. And I know he would say "well im not going to ask you whats wrong, you have to tell me" sometimes I want someone to ask. It shows that someone cares. maybe im being too dramatic. I feel like im always at fault, always compromising, constantly complaining (even if its not out loud) and I feel like im settling.

Its allll in the hips

Bible, I hate being a girl sometimes. I try and I try to have a guy mentality/ take on things. I try to be casual, and ideally that is how I want to be. I guess because caring about little things and things having a certain amount of control over you is exhausting. And frustraiting. I think 80% of the time Im ok with this. And then when my periods about a week out, I get depressed and tired and crazy and everything affects me. It feels. Stupid hormones. I slept for over 12 hours last night, and all I want to do is go back to sleep. Because I just dont want to deal with how im feeling. I dont want people to know Im feeling this way, I dont want to be made a fuss of. I know I should just get out and about to distract me, but I dont feel like leaving the house. Its not as if its one particaular thing thats bothering me, infact nothing really is. Or maybe everythings bothering me. This stupid cloud of emotion is hanging over my head. Bliminen heck.

One thing I know for certain is upsetting me. And im hesitant to even type this, because Im at work and I might start crying. But I wont be wailing so I suppose I can hide them little ones.

Me and my cousin were suppose to be going to NY this year. She is going and I am not. She leaves on the 10th August. I leave, who knows. Its really hard because we had talked about this dream for ages, we had planned etc. And im just financially not there. Theres the fact that im dealing with how I dont even want to be in the place I am at the moment , and it frustrates me that money is the reason I cant go. Something I never want to place a huge importance on , but something that is so vital. Money truely does provide freedom sometimes. Its hard to see my cousin leave, I am so excited for her, and I do want to hear all about it, and Im just beyond proud of her. Then I think about my own situation and I feel selfish for having these thoughts. Oh boy, here come the tears. I want to be there with her. This year, in August.

I also feel like, am I always that person who has certain dreams, hopes and wantings but can never make them happen? I dont want to commit, un commit, be annoying, be annoyed- at myself. I do kinda feel like theres not a lot holding me here, except the fact that I dont have money to go anywhere else. This is a slightly debateable statement as there are things somewhat here, but I dont think they will hold me. It dosnt make it any easier to leave (If I ever do), but nonetheless, I kinda feel like if these people had the same oppertunity of leaving they would do it, regardless of me. Not meaning to make it sound like a spiteful thing.

GAHH I think I got to leave this here. Im a bit to bleh to continue. fuck life sometimes.

I want extensions.

Scrambled Eggs

This post will be all over the show. Nice and Not so nice. - For once i feel like when someone asks me " So whats been going on? Whats the goss?" I dont have anything to really say. Not because its not out there, but prolly my lack of caring for it. Feels good to be back being old self. Like a weight of my chest seriously. Lack of caring can be annoying yes, and sometimes to be honest, I do care, but choose not to react in a way that shows it, or makes things worth. I pretty much just scream into my pillow. Or punch a wall. Joking. - Im moving rooms! same place, just in the room across from me. Its quiter, same size, got a balcony and cheaper. Seems like a better move. Oh and it has a lock. Sweetness. - Im going to go to Australia. Just for a little trip. I need a break. Think I wanna go for two weeks. But not sure yet. Got to get this funds stuff sorted. Pain in my rectum. - Been spending heaps of time with the girls in my life. Feels good, because in the below post somewhere, it mentioned that part of my life was lacking. MAKIN A EFFORT BABY. But im enjoying it. Although I do find with girls ( and this is probs why I prefer hanging out guys ) Is because of the first bullet points question, you feel kind of forced to say exactly whats going on because its "girl talk" but im like , If i dont think it needs to be talked about, Im not going to talk for the sake of it. Because really, you can start talking about something, and create it into an issue. Sometimes its best just to bottle that shit up like a normal person. haha. - Its my little brothers birthday today! Hes 7yrs today. It literally seems crazy that I was 16 7 years ago when I was told my dads girlfriend was pregnant. Im not going to lie, I was not happy about it. Because Im like who is this gold digger bitch who has sperminated herself? 7 Years on, still family issues, they are married, and life is different and also funny to see how it works out. But im beyond proud of this kid. I still remember when he pissed on my dads bed when I was changing his nappy (damn boys), and I remember when I was baby sitting him one time and he spewed all over the couch and then i put him in the bath, and he took a crap in the bath. I was like to Dad when he came home "Im never babysitting your child again" Im really not the sort of poo/wee/vomit sort of girl . Probs why I dont really want to own animals. - I want to meet new people!!! Im kinda over the same people, same situations, same places etc. - I want a femme turban. - Im going to get my nosed peirced again. same side. Double trouble. Dads going to be so happy. Thats all.

My Daddy Made Me Realise

This email that I sent to my ex boyf, came from a really amazing conversation with my Dad. Its all about bettering yourself as a person right? hopefully my mid life crisis never comes and this was my quartar life crisis. Doubt it. I think people call it "maturing" how boring. leggo: Hey, > > So I really didn’t even know whether to email you or not. I know your > wanting your space and I don’t want you to feel like I’m smothering > you or putting pressure on you. I guess I’ve just had a super big > think about things over the last week or so, and just wanted to kind > of let you know what I’ve been thinking about/ has been bought to my > attention about how I have been towards you . I don’t know if this > will make a difference, I guess I just kinda feel like I want to let > you know, just incase it does make a difference to you or the > situation. At the end of the day, It is your choice, also mine, but yeah. Hopefully food for thought. > > Sh*t I don’t even know where to start. This is going to be incredibly > honest btw. > Firstly , Detaching myself. I definitely have come to realise that I > need to do this. I foreshore have battled with wanting too. I feel > like some days I want to just be gone with these feelings and others I > don’t. I guess the thing with us, is we are yes- friends, but some of > the time it does still feel like a relationship. Good and bad. I liked > how we would talk all the time, hang out etc. But the in-between for > me, who still had those feelings > - Wasn’t healthy. I think because we never really talked about it, > well we did a bit, but it think because of those attached feelings, I > guess things inside of me just built up. As much as I like to think > I’m butch with things like this, with you, I’m not. Maybe it was > something that didn’t need to be talked about, because I was the only > one battling with it. Which is ok. I just should’ve handled stuff > better. I took stuff out on you, that wasn’t fair. Because I could > see us working, it became frustrating. There are so many good things when it comes to me and you, yes when its bad , its bad. > But the good times are also amazing. > I had a realisation though. I can only control myself. So when I was > saying to you on that Tuesday that for me its about the bigger > picture? It really wasn’t about the tiny details of that weekend. I > guess when I was talking about it, It was adding to what had already > been building up inside for sometime. So that’s why it sounded so > ridiculous, the things that I was getting annoyed at. Maybe this > sounds like excuses, hopefully not. But , yeah, I realised that I > cannot, absolutely cannot control you and the situation. Only myself. > Which I think is why when I say “I felt like I lost myself” is why. > Because I did lose myself, my self control. Because I was so scared of > getting hurt, and I am a bit of a control freak, that I tried and > pushed and pushed and it pushed you away. Which is a huge regret I > have. I couldn’t recognise that we are both independent people, and it could’ve worked that way. We both could’ve been independent and still had us work. > > When you said to me about how you felt like you could never do > anything right, and when you also pointed out that I was ALWAYS the > one with the issues , never you. Wow, that really did hit home for me. > Because it was true. And I don’t blame you now, for wanting space. > Because to feel constantly backed up against a wall and feeling like > you cant do anything right? I would want to escape too. And its not > nice. It really is in a sense, bullying. And I am so sorry. So sorry. > And I wouldn’t want to be around me either, regardless of relationship status. > I had a good chat with Dad the next day about stuff. I guess it was > nice to get an opinion from someone who knows who I am and why I am the way I am. > Because, I was freaking out about being like this forever, I was like > “what is a personality trait verses what I’m letting myself get caught up in?”. > Dad really made things quite clear. He said that getting so caught up > in the little things is just not on, and isn’t fair. I need to pick my > battles more wisely. This goes for you, this goes for any drama that comes into my life. > If its not going to matter in 5 years, don’t say anything/who > cares/let it go. And looking back, none of the things that I picked > with you, would have mattered in 5 years. And that guys don’t like > Drama, and I have never been about it, so why am I letting little > things get too me. Guys don’t want girls who are living like they are > in a magazine, they want girls who are easy going, and don’t get > caught up in that,girls who will let them go and hang out with there > boys, have there time etc. someone want to be, and actually kinda > thought that I always was. And that life’s too short to upset about > temporary stuff. And also he said “poor guy, he probably does feel > like he cant do anything right”. He also said that a lot of these > issues will stem from trust issues, and him and abi actually had said > the same thing to me at different times,- that Ive gotta believe that people want to be in my life and not be so caught up in the “what if they leave” > and if they do leave, so be it. And that If I don’t chose to trust > everyone, I wont ever have anyone. I also bought up the fact about me > being so really adamant about getting stuff sorted the moment > situations come about. He said that I got that from him. And its not > ALWAYS the best way to deal with things, and that different people > deal with things in different ways. And that if I wanted you to be in > my life, that I will just not worry about it, let you have your space, > no big deal. And then I was like “ holy sh*t, its really not a big > deal for you to have your space” I had just created it into something > due to my insecurities, due to wanting to control stuff, which is > ridiculous. I literally have learnt that I cannot go through life > ruling it with an iron fist. Even though I am a boss b*tch. Dad was > like “so what if he dosnt talk to you for a week?” hmmmm yeah. So I feel like a bit of a d*ck for freaking out now. > > Yes, It may seem like I am sitting here saying sorry, history > repeating, I guess it feels different for me this time. Because yeah, > the way I view situations is going to change, and I am apologising for > handling things incorrectly, I feel like its more or less a cliché > ‘new lease on life’ sort of stuff. I’m excited about not getting so > caught up in things, because it just gets to me so bad and destroys > me. I’m looking forward to that independence, not really be bothered > by stuff, and just moving forward. This may seem like its always words > and that we seem to fall back in the same trap. Yes, I would love > another chance. And I don’t want the change to be evident through > words that are said or written, I want it through my actions. Which I > guess the only way you would notice that change. But at the end of the > day, It is your decision. Id imagine your faith in me, has been beaten > a bit. So obviously that’s something you have to weigh up. I really > just wanted my chance to let you know what ive been dealing to (my head) over the last week. > You know I love you, and I always will . I really do only want the > best for you, I think you deserve it. > When your ready. >