My Daddy Made Me Realise

This email that I sent to my ex boyf, came from a really amazing conversation with my Dad. Its all about bettering yourself as a person right? hopefully my mid life crisis never comes and this was my quartar life crisis. Doubt it. I think people call it "maturing" how boring. leggo: Hey, > > So I really didn’t even know whether to email you or not. I know your > wanting your space and I don’t want you to feel like I’m smothering > you or putting pressure on you. I guess I’ve just had a super big > think about things over the last week or so, and just wanted to kind > of let you know what I’ve been thinking about/ has been bought to my > attention about how I have been towards you . I don’t know if this > will make a difference, I guess I just kinda feel like I want to let > you know, just incase it does make a difference to you or the > situation. At the end of the day, It is your choice, also mine, but yeah. Hopefully food for thought. > > Sh*t I don’t even know where to start. This is going to be incredibly > honest btw. > Firstly , Detaching myself. I definitely have come to realise that I > need to do this. I foreshore have battled with wanting too. I feel > like some days I want to just be gone with these feelings and others I > don’t. I guess the thing with us, is we are yes- friends, but some of > the time it does still feel like a relationship. Good and bad. I liked > how we would talk all the time, hang out etc. But the in-between for > me, who still had those feelings > - Wasn’t healthy. I think because we never really talked about it, > well we did a bit, but it think because of those attached feelings, I > guess things inside of me just built up. As much as I like to think > I’m butch with things like this, with you, I’m not. Maybe it was > something that didn’t need to be talked about, because I was the only > one battling with it. Which is ok. I just should’ve handled stuff > better. I took stuff out on you, that wasn’t fair. Because I could > see us working, it became frustrating. There are so many good things when it comes to me and you, yes when its bad , its bad. > But the good times are also amazing. > I had a realisation though. I can only control myself. So when I was > saying to you on that Tuesday that for me its about the bigger > picture? It really wasn’t about the tiny details of that weekend. I > guess when I was talking about it, It was adding to what had already > been building up inside for sometime. So that’s why it sounded so > ridiculous, the things that I was getting annoyed at. Maybe this > sounds like excuses, hopefully not. But , yeah, I realised that I > cannot, absolutely cannot control you and the situation. Only myself. > Which I think is why when I say “I felt like I lost myself” is why. > Because I did lose myself, my self control. Because I was so scared of > getting hurt, and I am a bit of a control freak, that I tried and > pushed and pushed and it pushed you away. Which is a huge regret I > have. I couldn’t recognise that we are both independent people, and it could’ve worked that way. We both could’ve been independent and still had us work. > > When you said to me about how you felt like you could never do > anything right, and when you also pointed out that I was ALWAYS the > one with the issues , never you. Wow, that really did hit home for me. > Because it was true. And I don’t blame you now, for wanting space. > Because to feel constantly backed up against a wall and feeling like > you cant do anything right? I would want to escape too. And its not > nice. It really is in a sense, bullying. And I am so sorry. So sorry. > And I wouldn’t want to be around me either, regardless of relationship status. > I had a good chat with Dad the next day about stuff. I guess it was > nice to get an opinion from someone who knows who I am and why I am the way I am. > Because, I was freaking out about being like this forever, I was like > “what is a personality trait verses what I’m letting myself get caught up in?”. > Dad really made things quite clear. He said that getting so caught up > in the little things is just not on, and isn’t fair. I need to pick my > battles more wisely. This goes for you, this goes for any drama that comes into my life. > If its not going to matter in 5 years, don’t say anything/who > cares/let it go. And looking back, none of the things that I picked > with you, would have mattered in 5 years. And that guys don’t like > Drama, and I have never been about it, so why am I letting little > things get too me. Guys don’t want girls who are living like they are > in a magazine, they want girls who are easy going, and don’t get > caught up in that,girls who will let them go and hang out with there > boys, have there time etc. someone want to be, and actually kinda > thought that I always was. And that life’s too short to upset about > temporary stuff. And also he said “poor guy, he probably does feel > like he cant do anything right”. He also said that a lot of these > issues will stem from trust issues, and him and abi actually had said > the same thing to me at different times,- that Ive gotta believe that people want to be in my life and not be so caught up in the “what if they leave” > and if they do leave, so be it. And that If I don’t chose to trust > everyone, I wont ever have anyone. I also bought up the fact about me > being so really adamant about getting stuff sorted the moment > situations come about. He said that I got that from him. And its not > ALWAYS the best way to deal with things, and that different people > deal with things in different ways. And that if I wanted you to be in > my life, that I will just not worry about it, let you have your space, > no big deal. And then I was like “ holy sh*t, its really not a big > deal for you to have your space” I had just created it into something > due to my insecurities, due to wanting to control stuff, which is > ridiculous. I literally have learnt that I cannot go through life > ruling it with an iron fist. Even though I am a boss b*tch. Dad was > like “so what if he dosnt talk to you for a week?” hmmmm yeah. So I feel like a bit of a d*ck for freaking out now. > > Yes, It may seem like I am sitting here saying sorry, history > repeating, I guess it feels different for me this time. Because yeah, > the way I view situations is going to change, and I am apologising for > handling things incorrectly, I feel like its more or less a cliché > ‘new lease on life’ sort of stuff. I’m excited about not getting so > caught up in things, because it just gets to me so bad and destroys > me. I’m looking forward to that independence, not really be bothered > by stuff, and just moving forward. This may seem like its always words > and that we seem to fall back in the same trap. Yes, I would love > another chance. And I don’t want the change to be evident through > words that are said or written, I want it through my actions. Which I > guess the only way you would notice that change. But at the end of the > day, It is your decision. Id imagine your faith in me, has been beaten > a bit. So obviously that’s something you have to weigh up. I really > just wanted my chance to let you know what ive been dealing to (my head) over the last week. > You know I love you, and I always will . I really do only want the > best for you, I think you deserve it. > When your ready. >