Bible, I hate being a girl sometimes. I try and I try to have a guy mentality/ take on things. I try to be casual, and ideally that is how I want to be. I guess because caring about little things and things having a certain amount of control over you is exhausting. And frustraiting. I think 80% of the time Im ok with this. And then when my periods about a week out, I get depressed and tired and crazy and everything affects me. It feels. Stupid hormones. I slept for over 12 hours last night, and all I want to do is go back to sleep. Because I just dont want to deal with how im feeling. I dont want people to know Im feeling this way, I dont want to be made a fuss of. I know I should just get out and about to distract me, but I dont feel like leaving the house. Its not as if its one particaular thing thats bothering me, infact nothing really is. Or maybe everythings bothering me. This stupid cloud of emotion is hanging over my head. Bliminen heck.
One thing I know for certain is upsetting me. And im hesitant to even type this, because Im at work and I might start crying. But I wont be wailing so I suppose I can hide them little ones.
Me and my cousin were suppose to be going to NY this year. She is going and I am not. She leaves on the 10th August. I leave, who knows. Its really hard because we had talked about this dream for ages, we had planned etc. And im just financially not there. Theres the fact that im dealing with how I dont even want to be in the place I am at the moment , and it frustrates me that money is the reason I cant go. Something I never want to place a huge importance on , but something that is so vital. Money truely does provide freedom sometimes. Its hard to see my cousin leave, I am so excited for her, and I do want to hear all about it, and Im just beyond proud of her. Then I think about my own situation and I feel selfish for having these thoughts. Oh boy, here come the tears. I want to be there with her. This year, in August.
I also feel like, am I always that person who has certain dreams, hopes and wantings but can never make them happen? I dont want to commit, un commit, be annoying, be annoyed- at myself. I do kinda feel like theres not a lot holding me here, except the fact that I dont have money to go anywhere else. This is a slightly debateable statement as there are things somewhat here, but I dont think they will hold me. It dosnt make it any easier to leave (If I ever do), but nonetheless, I kinda feel like if these people had the same oppertunity of leaving they would do it, regardless of me. Not meaning to make it sound like a spiteful thing.
GAHH I think I got to leave this here. Im a bit to bleh to continue. fuck life sometimes.
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