Does the heart always win?

Im going to be so honest. Right now, I feel like ive lost myself in something. My past relationship, that still seems so crazy and present. I guess this is why people dont stay friends with ex's. There is a huge part of me that dosnt know If I can walk away, Then theres a massive part that wants too.
Right now, hes not talking to me. To be honest, over something so ridiculous. Something that couldve been sorted over a few hours of space, then talking about it. Typical. He walks away, or wont text or talk to me whenever we get into an argument or have a disagreement. His reason is because "This is how I deal with things" , well what about me? Do I not matter? I deal with things then and there, Im willing to compromise, go away for a few hours, maybe a night, not a few days- a week. Thats ridiculous. I tell him it kills me, and he dosnt care. So Im forced to give him space because he just flat out ignores me (great feeling btw), and I lose all power. I lose all sense of control. Including within myself. I turn into a physco. I feel like a mad stalker. And what the fuck head, thats not me. Never has been, never will be. I took a chance on him. I really did. And when it feels like someones taking advantage of that huge chance that you gave them, it really makes you feel small and will affect who I take a chance on in the future. I show my love I feel, more so then he does. How important is it for someone to feel loved? I feel it is quite important. To be honest, I never saw myself as someone, someone might love. I also didnt see myself as capable of loving anyone. I thought the damage ive experienced may well ruin things. Maybe thats becoming apparent. However, im kind of tired taking the blame and being so hard on myself. I loved 100%. I really did. For probs the first time too. So yeah, that makes things harder. If he dosnt recongnise that , or appreciate that, then Im not really the one with the issues right? Not that one then, thats his. Blame game? Nope. Honesty? Yup. Im exhausted. Im tired of always feeling like im the bad guy. At the end of the day, I feel like my love is being wasted. I also feel unprotected. Even on a friends level. I have abandonment issues. Flat out. He knows this. And when he walks away, or dosnt talk to me, it triggers those issues. Yet he still wont make an effort to not make me feel that way? He wont protect me from having those feelings? Who does that.
I dont want to lose him, But its more important for me not to lose myself.

I feel incredibly difficult to deal with . Im draining, Im exhausting, And at times, it may seem like I take more then I give. I dont want this to be the case, and to be honest, ive always thought I was the one who wasnt the above things and that I was the opposite. How did this change? How do I get that back? Is it due to my view on life changing? Is it due to the fact that ive encounted so many assholes along the one that have sucked every inch of genorosity or selflessness out of me , and have cursed me to be selfish for the next 10 years of my life? Im turning into a bitter old woman by the second. I cant put all the blame on other people. I realise that you choose your attitude, you choose your outlook on life, so therefore, I take responsibility for that. Its not always easy to pick yourself up after great loss. Maybe I dont even know what great loss is yet. Probs. Isnt it funny how you either have one HUGE thing that builds you up and then 1000 tiny things that bring you down, or one HUGE thing that brings you down and 1000 reasons to be grateful ?

I feel like right now, in all honesty, I feel quite unloved, quite unappreciated and quite alone. Maybe this is due to the fact that all ive really done this week, is gone home, had dinner and gone to bed. Ive had outragous amount of sleep. Because, its easier then being awake. I wish I could go to sleep and either wake up out of my current state, or wake up in someone elses shoes, or maybe my shoes, but there somewhere different. Or just not wake up at all?

Im not morbid or suicial. Nope. But Im just over this current slump, and I dont know how to pull myself out of it. Someone said " Go hang out with your friends" To be honest, the only friends I want to hang out with right now, are my girls (who are... well... below post) and my ex boyfriend. He is super busy, and notorious for bailing. So If I ask, and do not recieve. I will not be a happy girl and will most likely say some shit, get in a fight HELLO situation has gone from worse to awful.

I just want my friends to recongnise ( even though I havnt overly said anything to anyone about my current mind frame) that im down, and show up at my house and say hi. Im difficult right? You cant ask people to be thoughtful, because that takes the thought out of it.

Im a mess. I dont know what to do. I need a padded room, a bottle of anti-depressants/anxiety pills and a bottle of vodka. fuck my life.

Searching

I havnt blogged in ages! Its nearly been a month, and as much as I would love to give an excuse like life has been SO busy, and SO much is going, and change change change. TRUTH? thats not the truth. Ive been plodding along, my work hours have changed, ive re decco'd my room, and basically thats the extent of the physical change.

Ive been spending a lot of time with the same old people, and thats cool, always a good time, there mostly boys though. And I love Boy company. Then I watch Jersey Shore, and I miss girl time. I Miss just being able to go get my nails done, and hit the tanning salon. Metaphorically speaking, I really dont do either of those things. I need more girlfriends. I know plenty of girls, but I miss the Q T time with girls, the ones that you can always count on and you hear from nearly every day? yeah those ones. I feel like a loser even saying this, because it fully makes me seem like a no friends bitch, this isnt the case. I think life just happens, people change jobs, flats, get new partners and it makes things very different, and then next thing you find yourself trying to catch up, it never works, you catch up at a party and things just arnt the same. yeah... Life. It makes me miss the old days. Your girls keep you independant, vented and fun. All things im after right now! My trouble is, I dont get on with every girl that comes my way. Im more inclined to get on with guys, because most girls are drama. I want the decent ones.

Im enjoying my own company at the moment, although that will only last so long I get bored far too easy Ive decided. But it is nice nonetheless. Am meeting up with a girlfriend tonight for dinner, should be good I guess. Not that excited about it, because me and this girl havnt spoken for nearly a month due to a disagreement. So I imagine it will more be sussing shit rather then enjoying shit. great.