I feel incredibly difficult to deal with . Im draining, Im exhausting, And at times, it may seem like I take more then I give. I dont want this to be the case, and to be honest, ive always thought I was the one who wasnt the above things and that I was the opposite. How did this change? How do I get that back? Is it due to my view on life changing? Is it due to the fact that ive encounted so many assholes along the one that have sucked every inch of genorosity or selflessness out of me , and have cursed me to be selfish for the next 10 years of my life? Im turning into a bitter old woman by the second. I cant put all the blame on other people. I realise that you choose your attitude, you choose your outlook on life, so therefore, I take responsibility for that. Its not always easy to pick yourself up after great loss. Maybe I dont even know what great loss is yet. Probs. Isnt it funny how you either have one HUGE thing that builds you up and then 1000 tiny things that bring you down, or one HUGE thing that brings you down and 1000 reasons to be grateful ?

I feel like right now, in all honesty, I feel quite unloved, quite unappreciated and quite alone. Maybe this is due to the fact that all ive really done this week, is gone home, had dinner and gone to bed. Ive had outragous amount of sleep. Because, its easier then being awake. I wish I could go to sleep and either wake up out of my current state, or wake up in someone elses shoes, or maybe my shoes, but there somewhere different. Or just not wake up at all?

Im not morbid or suicial. Nope. But Im just over this current slump, and I dont know how to pull myself out of it. Someone said " Go hang out with your friends" To be honest, the only friends I want to hang out with right now, are my girls (who are... well... below post) and my ex boyfriend. He is super busy, and notorious for bailing. So If I ask, and do not recieve. I will not be a happy girl and will most likely say some shit, get in a fight HELLO situation has gone from worse to awful.

I just want my friends to recongnise ( even though I havnt overly said anything to anyone about my current mind frame) that im down, and show up at my house and say hi. Im difficult right? You cant ask people to be thoughtful, because that takes the thought out of it.

Im a mess. I dont know what to do. I need a padded room, a bottle of anti-depressants/anxiety pills and a bottle of vodka. fuck my life.