The dissapointment from people right now almost seems too much to handle. Mixed with the dissapointment from myself, makes it borderline unbareable. I feel so hurt. Completely offended. And basically I wish that I could just dissconnect myself from the world that I, personally, live in and am involved in . Im not happy. And If I could give myself advice, which of course , its always easier to give to someone else, I would say "Do what makes you happy" unfortunately for me right now- I really dont know what that is. How do I find what makes me happy? More then ever I wish I didnt rely my happiness on human beings. Because they dont do anything but dissapoint. If everyone does what makes them happy, that dosnt make everyone happy right? But it kinda feels like that is what everyone is doing, and im the one thats not happy. People will always have there own agenda and sometimes you just dont fit into it or your not even considered. I think thats the hardest thing, not being considered. I would say that there are certian events in my life that have lead me to feel this way. The people closest to me are the ones who I feel this from the most. I kinda wonder why God has thrown me these people in my life. I always thought I was a firm believer in the whole "Everything happens for a reason", Lately Ive been testing this theory. I guess the whole thing is that you will never know. I still believe that immense growth comes from certain things that are placed in your life, I guess that includes people. I think it kinda sucks that my growth depends on my relationships with people. Because it goes back to relying on someone to make you either feel a certain way, or do certain things. What a contemplating little mind I have.
But yeah, Not so happy at the moment with how some people in my life treat me. Such a downey.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
I just want you to meet me half way. Thats all. Not go above and beyond, not send me flowers everyday and shower me with pukeness. Just half way. Thats only 50%, did you know that? I dont think its hard. Or unfair for me to ask. If it was anyone else, I would expect those things. From you, I dont. I dont know why, or if I should.
Some people are walkers, others talkers. Your neither. Your a stationary mute. Im not saying I would rather you be one over the other. I dont believe thats you, although you might use that excuse, I think it could just be sheer choice not to be any of those things. I could really do without the "talker". So I guess im asking for the actions. I dont want to sit here and say I want you to be this, to do this, to act like this, that would have me guessing what I actually like about you. I guess im weighing up whats fair on me, and when I draw the line and say that I deserve better. I meant what I said, and I hope you meant what you said, and that we make each other happy. But I also dont want to feel like we SHOULD be together because we couldnt stand seeing each other with anyone else. I dont think thats enough reason.
I also meant what I said when I feel that things have changed between us, or more or less, things would be better this time around. Ive changed as a person, I dont want to sweat stuff, because that results in losing stuff. This isnt a speel on how I dont think I should be with you, but I also know what I need from you. And I dont think its alot. So If you cant give me 50%, I gotta say stop to everything. All of it. Because I just deserve someone who would be willing to give me something. This also isnt to say that lately, you havent been making an effort. Because I kinda think that you have. And thats great. But I dont want it to die out. Theres other things at a later date I may bring up with you, but I might not. You like me, for whatever reason, you do. And I think It wouldnt hurt for you to every now then to do something, or say something to suggest that you do actually like me. And I know it would hurt if you said that you couldnt give me 50%. But at the end of the day, no one will stick around in your life, if you wont give them 50%. So you would look like the idiot, and I would feel empowered. But none the less, I love you for you.
Some people are walkers, others talkers. Your neither. Your a stationary mute. Im not saying I would rather you be one over the other. I dont believe thats you, although you might use that excuse, I think it could just be sheer choice not to be any of those things. I could really do without the "talker". So I guess im asking for the actions. I dont want to sit here and say I want you to be this, to do this, to act like this, that would have me guessing what I actually like about you. I guess im weighing up whats fair on me, and when I draw the line and say that I deserve better. I meant what I said, and I hope you meant what you said, and that we make each other happy. But I also dont want to feel like we SHOULD be together because we couldnt stand seeing each other with anyone else. I dont think thats enough reason.
I also meant what I said when I feel that things have changed between us, or more or less, things would be better this time around. Ive changed as a person, I dont want to sweat stuff, because that results in losing stuff. This isnt a speel on how I dont think I should be with you, but I also know what I need from you. And I dont think its alot. So If you cant give me 50%, I gotta say stop to everything. All of it. Because I just deserve someone who would be willing to give me something. This also isnt to say that lately, you havent been making an effort. Because I kinda think that you have. And thats great. But I dont want it to die out. Theres other things at a later date I may bring up with you, but I might not. You like me, for whatever reason, you do. And I think It wouldnt hurt for you to every now then to do something, or say something to suggest that you do actually like me. And I know it would hurt if you said that you couldnt give me 50%. But at the end of the day, no one will stick around in your life, if you wont give them 50%. So you would look like the idiot, and I would feel empowered. But none the less, I love you for you.
Thursday, January 20, 2011
Right now, I feel a flood of feelings. I feel like I cant wait to go on an overseas adventure and then I feel that I should save my 12g for something like a house or business that I want to own. Maybe thats something I should do when I get back. Save. Save. Save. Story of my lifetime. I know that this is something most people my age dont really think about, But I think theres something empowering and modern about a woman working towards having some serious collateral.
I feel weird weird feelings towards my friends and family right now. I feel like I maybe dont want to be around any of them, but then I want to be around someone all the time. Conflicting emotions that I will never have a resolution for. My family? I am seriously coming to a point where I dont even want to go home. I have a serious issue with my Dads wife. Shes basically a bitch, who I would love to serve. But alas, this is not lady like/ Dad would be upset, so I refrain. This will only last so long. My patience is wearing thin.
Friends? Im so over making an effort. I know I have harped on about this before. I was talking to my Dad, he was saying that I need to expand my horizions with friends. Its not that I want a complete overhaul of them, no way. I do love my friends. I said to my Dad " I just feel so mental sometimes, and really highly strung compared to them. Like I feel Im just not as casual as them, And I want to be casual, I dont like to feel the hurt that my friends never intended to give, its too much. And it makes me not want to have anyone in my life at all, because I feel that hurt and dissapointment so easy". My Dad basically told me, that because I was mostly raised by a man (him), that I need to take some of that "Guy" mentality on board, and just chose not to give a fuck and that whatever emotions I chose to feel, is a choice. Thats the challenge. To not be so sensey. I swear I havnt always been like this. Maybe I have. And im just realising.
Then I get those extreme thoughts like gees, If I can see my mentalness, other people must want to put me in a padded room. Who would want that in someone?
Any way, thats what im trying to focus on. Will it matter in two years? let it go. But then I dont wanna be walked over.
I think right now, Im really wanting someone to want to spend time with, as much as maybe, I might want to spend with that someone.
I feel weird weird feelings towards my friends and family right now. I feel like I maybe dont want to be around any of them, but then I want to be around someone all the time. Conflicting emotions that I will never have a resolution for. My family? I am seriously coming to a point where I dont even want to go home. I have a serious issue with my Dads wife. Shes basically a bitch, who I would love to serve. But alas, this is not lady like/ Dad would be upset, so I refrain. This will only last so long. My patience is wearing thin.
Friends? Im so over making an effort. I know I have harped on about this before. I was talking to my Dad, he was saying that I need to expand my horizions with friends. Its not that I want a complete overhaul of them, no way. I do love my friends. I said to my Dad " I just feel so mental sometimes, and really highly strung compared to them. Like I feel Im just not as casual as them, And I want to be casual, I dont like to feel the hurt that my friends never intended to give, its too much. And it makes me not want to have anyone in my life at all, because I feel that hurt and dissapointment so easy". My Dad basically told me, that because I was mostly raised by a man (him), that I need to take some of that "Guy" mentality on board, and just chose not to give a fuck and that whatever emotions I chose to feel, is a choice. Thats the challenge. To not be so sensey. I swear I havnt always been like this. Maybe I have. And im just realising.
Then I get those extreme thoughts like gees, If I can see my mentalness, other people must want to put me in a padded room. Who would want that in someone?
Any way, thats what im trying to focus on. Will it matter in two years? let it go. But then I dont wanna be walked over.
I think right now, Im really wanting someone to want to spend time with, as much as maybe, I might want to spend with that someone.
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