Are you turning into what you said you wouldnt?

I dont even know if I can come up with the words to express how i'm feeling right now towards you.

You lied and your about to be caught out. Its not even what the lie is about, as it seems so minor. So why lie? Why would you deliberately lie about something that you know would upset/hurt my feelings if I found out?

I dont know how im supposed to get over this. I dont. I already struggle with trust as is. You know this. I DONT GET IT? For someone who I thought had a high standered of morals, this just really surprises me. You say that you hate it when you dissapoint me, this, is more then dissapointment. You literally have fed something in my heart that I have been trying to not feed.

Do I have to say goodbye to you because I just know that I wont ever fully trust you?  Your lying over something  thats arguebly minor, yet what about the major things? Or even moderate things?
Its like you have been living this double life. I experienced that with someone else, and I will not do it again. No way. Funny thing is, we have had a conversation about you living a double life, and you got mad that I could even think that was a possibility from you. Weird huh?

I dont trust you anymore.

This just seems like history repeating and I cant express how hurt I am that you became my past.

There is alot of things I dont talk to people about. The things you did to me is one of them or how I feel about you. Im scared of saying some words that might seem too harsh and ill be judge for that. But somehow over 10 years later, your actions affect me still. So I think they might always.

The littlies were too young to know some of the stuff you got upto. But I remember. You apologise now for not fighting for us, and for just giving up and following your own path. You blame your own mother for the advice that you got. But at the end of the day, you had a choice. You chose the path you did regardless of the advice you sought. Im only 24 and I think about my one day children and im already in love with them, and could never imagine leaving them or doing the things you did to us.
These are things I remember, maybe you dont, maybe you think I dont remember because I was too young?
I remember that douche bag that used to hang around the video store, and you went over to his house one day with us 3 and left us in the car while you were inside fucking him. Then we went to see his girlfriends (No morals much?) horse. You said to me not to say anything to Dad because he will be mad we wernt at home doing our homework. I gave you so much attidude that day because I knew you were a liar. I think that was one of the first days that I started falling out of love with you and wanting to be like you.
The other things I remember? when you told me that you and Dad were splitting up, I said to you, "So your going to go off and be with all these other guys?" and you said "No sweetie, thats the last thing on my mind". Weird that I believed you, because thats exactly what you did. Random guys always calling your new place. I used to tell them you were at somewhere embarassing like weight watchers because I didnt want them to call you back. Then you would send me to bed really early, because guys would come over. But they were just your friends? I remember having my ears pressed up against that wall inside my wardrobe because I could hear him in your room and I knew you wernt friends.  I also know that there was dodgy shit going on with the old manager at our store Alistar.
Even after you moved away to Auckland, you couldnt even make a sacrafice for us then. Me and you were sleeping in the same bed, and sharna got up in the middle of the night to look for you, and I found you in your boyfriends and his bed. You couldnt even not make things painful if you tried. You took away our security and you can blame all you want on your own mother, but that shit was you.
That day on mothers day, when your 6 year old daughter called you to wish you a happy mothers day and she got told by your flat mate that you had moved overseas. Or when the same daughter asked you when you would come over here and you said you wouldnt be returning. She asked you what about her wedding day and you said no? That was the same daughter that was crying leading up to her recent school ball, because everyones mother was excited for there daughters, but hers gives her a messege on facebook? I could all but understand how she was feeling. I felt the same on the day of my ball. You wont be there on my wedding day either. Look forward to what my messege on facebook will be when I get married. When you used to call us at all hours of the night, pissed drunk and asking to speak to me?
All the sacrafices you were supposed to make were covered for by me and by Dad. Every school holidays when we would have to leave you, I was trying not to be upset myself. Because I was still a 14 year old girl , I had to hug and kiss my little brother and sister because they were crying on the plane. I never got my chance to be upset about anything to do with you. Who was there for me to cry too?

Everyone has always felt more sorry for Sharna and Daniel in this whole situation because they were younger. I wish I had there nievity in this situation. I know more then I wish I knew.
Ive never told them anything about the things I remember. Not that I want to save you, but I want to protect them. No one ever protected me. Dad didnt even know until I told him a few years ago. He said he wished he knew because he wouldnt have tried to save the marriage knowing the damage you had done too me. Why didnt you want to protect me?  Why didnt that mother/human instinct to protect a child come to play?

Your apologies have never been enough for me.  Never. I thought that I had forgiven you, yet when im made to think about you and that situation, I feel the biggest lump in my throat. I feel like nothing but fakeness towards you. You wrote me an email recently and I never replied. Because what I was going to say wasnt even as nice as this blog post. You said something about how I never said "I'll miss you" or "I love you" Im not going to say I dont love you but I will say I dont miss you. I miss the person who used to be my mother. When I was very young. From the photos it looked like you were obssessed with me. I miss that person. But that persons no longer. I dont miss you, because we dont have anything. Sometimes time dosnt heal things, but it does change things. I feel that way about you. You think that we are going to go over to visit you and have this great emotional connection and get on amazingly. For me, thats not the case. I no longer want to cry on the plane home, I look forward to going home. Home is where the heart is, and you no longer have my heart. I dont mean to sound ungrateful, because you make sure its fun, and you dote over us, and you cook us dinner, buy us things, plan our week etc. I can see that motherly instinct coming out. Even when you touch me its bitter sweet. Theres nothing like a mothers touch. I notice when you touch me, I feel it. But I dont know how to recieve it.

You may think that my relationship with you is only to do with me and you , but it affects my entire life.
I am the person I am, I do the things I do, because of you. I dont trust anybody. Deep down, I dont. If my own mum can leave me, in my eyes, anyone can and will. I feel I have to fight to have everyone stay in my life. That deep self confidence and security is gone because you robbed me of that. It affects my romantic relationships aswell as my friendships. Im not convinced that people want to be apart of my life. I do and say a lot of things to people I love, a lot of it not very nice things, because deep down you are the root of my problems. I feel like im damaged goods. Like no one will ever want me to be theres because of these issues.

You talk like the damage is done all the time. You talk like your dead and cant do anything to improve the situation. In your mind, a visit once a year along with a facebook messsege every now and then is enough. Its not. Not in the slightest. I dont want to messege you back. Its not right. You could make things better if you wanted too. Ive decided I dont think I want to see you again. Not until you start sacraficing things. You are with an alcoholic, who treats you like shit, who has dumbed you down, who doesnt add value to your life. That is the person you chose over us. So I dont want a bar of it. I dont want to know him, see him, see you. So If you want to see me, you know where to find me. And its not on facebook.

You were the first person to break my heart. Its still broken. You never took the time to mend it. You used words, I needed your actions. I still feel like that little 12 year old girl. Maybe emotionally when it comes to you, I will always be 12years old.

Your Daughter.

So I had 8 people from Russia view this blog last month?! weird.... Cool though.

I havnt posted in forever. I am completely aware of this. Who cares about even justifying.  I looked over this blog recently and going back over all my posts. I always thought that this was good therapy and it probably is. But I dont think its good to read back over it. Those feelings were so real at that time, and written in the heat of the emotion. When I go back and read them, it takes me right back to that feeling. It feels kinda awful . Its almost harmful going back and reading these things. Especially about him. I read back over these things, and I think I add it to my current feelings. If they arent good feelings, it sure does fuel the fire.

So to that person, who causes me these emotions, because im feeling some pretty strong ones right now, Im going to vent in the moment of this emotion of uncertainty.

Here I am again, giving you the spotlight thats maybe undeserved. Strong words? Strong Emotions- Honey.

Where.The.Fuck.Did.She.Go?
Whos she? Oh thats who I once was.
That person who would give the middle finger to any fucker who treated me the way I didnt see fit. My ill feelings towards love are because I dont know where this person is. Is this what love is about? Becoming so weak that your forced to compromise? I dont want a bar of that. Its almost like this person that you love has to become a rideoff because you have no idea how to be who you once were, around them. You only know who you have become in there presense. Or in my case, lack of.
This paragraph has stuff to do with how I am in this situation, nothing to do with you.
But ill get to you - Honey.
How does anyone know what love is suppose to be like? It seems like a peice of shit to me. It really is like a drug. When its good, its good. This is when you are on it. When your off it, its shit and this withdrawal symptoms suck. Lonliness, unhapiness and uncertainty.
Uncertainty? LOL , you said to me 6 months ago, that you needed time to think about us. And that you felt like you wanted to be with me. But you needed a bit of time to think about it. QUOTE "Im not saying its going to be six months down the track, I just need a bit of time". Oh hi, who is that? Oh its six months knocking at my door, welcome.
Im too scared to be honest with you. Im scared to ask, incase I dont like the answer. Im scared to be honest incase I hurt your feelings. Im too scared to be honest, because im scared ill make you mad. We dont see each other that often so I dont want to bring up something that makes it awkward or a fight.
Want to know what I tell myself ? That if I always pretend like im cool with things, even though im dying on the inside, maybe you will want to be with me.
Wanna know something else? When I slept with someone 3 weeks after we broke up, and you bought it up later on, wanna know what I never told you? That I didnt want to do it with that person anymore within the first 3minutes of it happening. But I felt like I had to continue because it was rude. All I could think about was you, and then the otherside is I felt rude towards this person who was in my bed. Where did MY feelings come into that? They didnt. I forgot that I have never said that to you.

You can ignore me so easy, and have nothing to do with me so easily. I feel like someones ripping my heart in half. Its so confusing. I feel completely weak. The times that I have had stregnth to walk, and Ive told you this is it for me. You cry. And you say you dont want that to happen, and can I please give you time. And then you say to me, although you can be an asshole and you pretend like it dosnt affect you, but it does.

I feel like the only compromise is on my part. You are tolerant of me, sometimes. But im the one compromising. Like when I asked you ideally what you want me to do, you said "wait for me". Theres a part of me that completely has. Otherwise I wouldnt be writing these things. Even though I like to think im not. Maybe its the idea of us that keeps me going.

Theres this part of me that completely believes in love. Not even the fairytale kind, just the real, both in it to win it, love. The love where I dont have to be scared to have an issue. Where I dont always have to appear like im so secure. Where I dont have to pretend like I dont care about shit. Where actions match words. Where someone seems like they want to hang out with me, not where they feel like the have to because its been a while. The kind of love where im spoilt. Not with materialistic things, but just with everything that love should be about. Im covered in it by this person.

Reading back over this, and "Proof" reading it, I realize how pathetic I am. How I really am weak. How it only entails this emotion at this point in time. How It dosnt say that we are completely silly together, how we have picked each others noses, how we can tell how each others moods with just a look, what we do for each other on our birthdays, how when we hold hands in the car and I ask you if you want your hand back, and you say "No, I got this" , how we will always love each other, how we both see our futures together, how our communication (despite the above) has gotten a million times better and how happy we make each other when the times are good..
I also havnt mentioned that Im back on the pill. And I feel completely out of my mind emotional, irrational and paranoid.

This is just such a mess it seems. I wonder if the obvious desision really is just that - obvious.  I think because of the uncertainity surrounding this situation, I crave something concrete. No wonder Im insecure, I dont have anyhting to be secure in. Just words that were once said.

Dear 2012

Ive never been a huge fan of the new year. In fact, its usual the worse time of year for me. I dont feel motivated to make plans etc. I really hate this time of year. USUALLY. Alas, I have had such a good time lately. Im in Tauranga at our family home up here with 14 of my family members, as we do every year. I have previously got to the stage where a week is enough for me. My fam stay for about 3 weeks, but I want to stay longer this time. I cant, I have work. But MAN I wanna stay. I had two of my friends come up for most of the time ive been here and they left today. They fell in love with my family. Which is hard not too.

Anyways, getting back to 2012.

Im excited for this year. 2011 was kinda a shithouse time. I dont feel like I did much with my year at all. However, I am really excited and just completely ok and content with where this year may take me. Im more comfortable then ever to know that I will be ok. No matter what happens, I will be ok. Theres some goals that im looking forward to tackling. Some not so much, but have got to at least have a good go at being attempted. I just feel ready for this year, and that in itself is a fucking miracle. My number one thing, is to have more and more independence. For myself and for my relationships. Im looking forward to that one the most. I think 2012 is about adventures too. Anxiously exicted to see what ones come my way.

Let it be.

Am I done? I dont think ive ever felt more done with you then I have right now.
The biggest thing stopping me is the fact that I might regret it.

Facts about this situation right now. You are being a fucking asshole. You wont talk to me, when you do you look at me with HATE in your eyes, but then we hug and kiss goodbye, and when you do, you wont look at me in the eyes because you know you will lose that stubborness . You dont seem to want to improve the situation you seem to want to drag it out. I feel so low on your priority list its not even funny. You dont care about anyone else but yourself in this situation. You dont even care about my feelings and that this is killing me. You told me you didnt want me to leave you. Nothings my fault anymore. Its all your fault. You need to grow the fuck up and learn how to deal with things. I still love you madley. I really wish I could throw some shit at you. I wish even more that you would just realise how close I really am to leaving you for good.

"It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good."

I just wanna dissapear really. I also feel like no one would even notice if I did. I wouldnt be missed, or even thought of. Ive started to not like who I am. Not like who Ive become. I wonder if its a momentary thing, or if i just genuinely dont like myself. I dont understand why anyone would love me, why any one would even like me, wanna spend time with me. I dont even.

I know you a suppose to love yourself before you can love someone else. I feel like its the other way around for me.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my future. To just fade away without a trace, never be loved the way I loved, to always create these problems or have these situations come my way and spend my whole time battling them. I really dont feel strong enough for any more heart ache or break. I dont. It just seems like everyone in my life is eager to leave it. I can see why. Guess im easy to leave.

Put on a brave face and no one will notice I guess.

Wishing I could have a complete make over. I want to start again. I dont like who Ive become. Im lacking motivation. I lack drive. I lack everything that I like in someone else.