In the privacy of my own blog

I was thinking the other day, man the people that read/stumble/ stalk this blog must think that im the biggest sap, the biggest crazy, the most up and down person thats round this town.
As much as I dont really care what people think about me, I sort of do if its the above things.
I thought about who knew the web address, who could find out the web address etc.
I also thought about when I first started writing this blog. The thing is right? I have about 6 years worth of journals hidden in my room. From when I was about 14 years old until I started this blog. Who has ever read those journals? no one. I have read parts of it to certain people, but never ever freely would I give these journals to anyone. If I died tomorrow my friend is on strict instructions to bust my door down in my room and grab them and not let anyone see them. Especially my family. My Dad in particular. A lot of things in there would break his heart. My journey has been a strange one, and I think this one friend will get it. There will still be things in there that would shock her, but I wouldnt be judged. ANYWAY, so it got me thinking about this blog and how I never used to give a shit about what I wrote because I wrote it knowing that no- one read it. And either I drunkenly give the address out, or just give it out, drunkenly read parts of it etc. UGH - im so stupid- I want to get back to writing like no one will ever read it. I dont want the thought that someone will read it and judge or say something to me about it. Like its my diary dude, if you dont like it sweet, forget the http bitch. I use this for therapy, Its my outlet. So I really dont care what I sound like, In ten years time I will look back and judge myself, or I will say that I had valid feelings for that time, and look where I am now- good job. So things have been really honest up until now, but they are about to get a lot more honest. Go'head.

Is it going to always feel like this though?

I know that every relationship/experience is there to grow from, I do somewhat feel that way. I also kinda think that its only left me more damaged. The same reasons he didn't love me, wont they be the same reasons that the next person wont love me?

I feel like I want to be single for a while, Its been fairly one after the other with a few months in between. But im talking a good single break. maybe a year. I am struggling with the loneliness out of anything. No one asking how my day was, no one asking if im ok, no one to talk to about the funny and annoying things that happened that day, no on to call just cos. And im like holy shit , I cant be single for a year. I love my friends, but there not enough. In all honesty, right now Im not excited to hang out with any of them. I really wouldn't care if i didn't see them for a month. Right now my life is family, work, exercise. what the fuck have i become? ugh, it really does hurt at the moment. OBVIOUSLY sad music is playing on my itunes right now, but whatever , fuck off im allowed. Family issues are always in arms reach too. Theres really nothing holding me here. In all honesty, even when I go home, no one not even my Dad asks me how I am. He goes on about my siblings all the time, but not even one "How are you" and if i just start talking about myself anyway (lol), he just changes the subject. Its kinda hurtful to go from one situation to another situation with no one caring or asking how I am. Gets a bit too much input for one person without even a question back. I know this is SO super "woah is me im so down and out" Its not really the case, I guess just at the moment i feel a bit bruised by things, and like there isn't someone who is wanting to protect that. Thats all.

Motivation Proclamation

this week I have accomplished the following things:

- I worked out monday at a school netball courts doing drills, which nearly killed me. I was sore straight after, so I knew it was not going to feel pretty the next day. I like that feeling of like you really have worked out. No more walking up hills- Its time to run bitches.

- I worked over 50 hours.

-I went to my first ever hip hop class!!! It was freaking cool. Like I felt like a real dick, and decided that im not a dancer. But at the same time, Its a good work out, the people are rad, and everyone sucks, so I dont feel like the odd cool one that knows how to shake my money maker. I also went with two of my flat mates, and one is super gay, and fark it was halerious. He was right up the front, stiff as hell, had a gross sweat patch but was always kean, asking questions, and just such a participater. It was ridiculous. Me and my other flat mate were in the back just pissing ourselves laughing at him. There is also a great looking boy who goes there, his name is Connor. He introduced himself to me, and said "see you next week"... Leaps and Bounds. haha im being a dick. Not the reason Im going . I swear.

- I have had a lot of family time. Went to see hang over two (ave) and went to a rugby game (stadium, also ave) but my Dads being so weird at the moment. Like offering to take me shopping etc. He bought me like $270 worth of sports clothes. Typical male. Basically the only thing my dad would shell out for. BUT apparently he told my sister not to tell me, that hes taking me shopping this afternoon. How odd. Maybe this time for clothes that are high fash.

- Im not going to lie. I feel like I havnt JUST succeeded this week. I have failed. Im so hard on myself, I dont really know how to stop. Theres this thing inside me, when im like, ' good job, look at all the things you did this week' that says 'yeah but look at what you didnt do, and look at what you failed at' so I feel kinda shit. Dont know how to get rid of that. Guess it will take time. Or maybe I will just always strive for perfection, maybe Ill get there, and ill be happy. Or maybe I wont and I will always be miserable and measuring my success as half empty.