Am I done? I dont think ive ever felt more done with you then I have right now.
The biggest thing stopping me is the fact that I might regret it.

Facts about this situation right now. You are being a fucking asshole. You wont talk to me, when you do you look at me with HATE in your eyes, but then we hug and kiss goodbye, and when you do, you wont look at me in the eyes because you know you will lose that stubborness . You dont seem to want to improve the situation you seem to want to drag it out. I feel so low on your priority list its not even funny. You dont care about anyone else but yourself in this situation. You dont even care about my feelings and that this is killing me. You told me you didnt want me to leave you. Nothings my fault anymore. Its all your fault. You need to grow the fuck up and learn how to deal with things. I still love you madley. I really wish I could throw some shit at you. I wish even more that you would just realise how close I really am to leaving you for good.

"It’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear. You almost feel ashamed that someone could be that important, that without them you feel like nothing. No one will ever understand how much it hurts. You feel hopeless, like nothing can save you. And when it’s over and it’s gone, you almost wish you could have all the bad stuff back, so you can have the good."

I just wanna dissapear really. I also feel like no one would even notice if I did. I wouldnt be missed, or even thought of. Ive started to not like who I am. Not like who Ive become. I wonder if its a momentary thing, or if i just genuinely dont like myself. I dont understand why anyone would love me, why any one would even like me, wanna spend time with me. I dont even.

I know you a suppose to love yourself before you can love someone else. I feel like its the other way around for me.

Sometimes I wonder if this is my future. To just fade away without a trace, never be loved the way I loved, to always create these problems or have these situations come my way and spend my whole time battling them. I really dont feel strong enough for any more heart ache or break. I dont. It just seems like everyone in my life is eager to leave it. I can see why. Guess im easy to leave.

Put on a brave face and no one will notice I guess.

Wishing I could have a complete make over. I want to start again. I dont like who Ive become. Im lacking motivation. I lack drive. I lack everything that I like in someone else.

My local news

Ive had a pretty stressful couple of weeks. I guess ive had my moments of being stressed out previously. I guess the older you get, the stress seems bigger or more or less a bigger deal. Stress is healthy, somewhat. It can be motivating. I however right now am not sleeping properly, my scalp is terrible, my skin is fucking out, my eyes are twitching (no doubt lack of sleep to blame here) its just ridiculous. I constantly feel anxious like I cant have fun because I have too many things to worry about. I hugely worry about money. I suppose everybody does, but Im thinking about the fact that I'm turning 24years old soon and I just want way more stability than I have already. I want to be smart about things, not impulsive. Not freak out when something unexpected comes up, I want to have savings etc and on my income this should all be possible. Yet I feel like I'm living pay cheque to pay cheque. This is my new years reso- financial stability.

I was sitting down reading the paper this morning, with my coffee and my vogals toast and as I was reading the paper I started to think about the ability to have things in your life change. Thought pattern? When I was in high school, I guess I was a bit of a writing nerd. I always did very well in English and I got asked to write for a local news paper a couple of times on reports/write ups for our school and what we have all been up to etc I had completely forgot about that opportunity and a couple of other creative writing pieces that had done well. Please understand that I am most likely the worse speller you have ever come across. Im known for having VERY poor spelling and get mocked all the time about it. When I was writing, I always wanted people to read something of mine, and be like 'woah look what she did with that, and how she said that, very cleverly done' that was always my goal. BUT this got me thinking about my path in life. Sometimes you just wonder if its all too late to change that path. Once you start heading down one path, do you just get so far down it that you realize its just all too hard to do a 180 and go down another. I wonder what would've happened if I had taken up something like journalism. I know this sounds really dumb and nerdy, but I kind of want to write a book. It would either be a biography, wait not a biography but one of those books where people say its got "fictional" characters but in reality its totally them and they name themselves like "Laura" when there names "Lauren" , or something along those lines. Or a book about love and what I have learnt. All sorts of love. Im kinda obsessed with the practicality of love vs the emotional pull on love. So I guess that would be interesting to do a novel on. I want to write a book but then I don't think I would want anyone I know to read it. I know that sounds weird, but I just would want to be brutally honest and I wouldn't want to hurt anyones feelings or have my Dad read about love and sex etc.

Maybe I will just start planning the book. It would be a good hobby/ side project. Anyway I have to get on with my Sunday. The boy is away at the moment and I miss him a bit. Hes only been away a week, so pathetic. He comes back in a few days, thank goodness.

Ps. My grammer's really terrible too.

This is my faves game ever.

So true.

Some Pictures to ease back into this

I need to spend a few days here.

I love this art work.

White on white.

escape your being

Last night I completely struggled. I had a break down. I think Ive had one or two this bad in my lifetime.
I sometimes wonder how I get myself in the situations or states that I do. I wonder what really sets me off. I was in my room. I felt very alone. So alone. I had tried to meet up with two of my best friends that day because for over 24 hours, I just felt used, exhausted, stressed out, un appreciated, pulled in a 1000 different directions, hurt etc. And neither one of my two best friends could meet up with me. I felt super alone. I felt like I could dissapear off this planet and no one would give a fuck. And to be honest, I wanted to dissapear. Not suicide or anything, maybe missing person status. I just didnt want to be known anymore. I should know better then to talk to my ex boyfriend when I get in these moods. Hes super practical, and is pretty straight up. He tells me to stop being dramatic. But then he also says that he dosnt have time for it. And that theres lots of people who love and care for me including him. Of course at the time, the only thing I take from this messege is that he dosnt have time for me. I think when im going through emotional stuff, not to count on a guy. They dont get it. Girls are more sympathetic. I dont even know if I was wanting sympathy. I just found myself on the floor of my room , un able to get up. Today, I feel like it truely is the aftermath. I still feel alone. He did say to me that you sometimes can rely on no one but yourself. Why do I struggle with this so much? I also thought, maybe this is my way of pushing people away. Like appearing like such a crazy person ,that people want to run away. So then I truely am alone. So I can solidify exactly how I am feeling, and that feeling can be justified. Sometimes I wonder if I need therapy. Ive been like this once before, and I actually called my Dad and told him that I think I needed to be taken to the hospital into a physc ward or something. He also said I was being dramatic, but then did the Dad thing, and let me sit there and talk about it for a few hours. He could see I was low on friday night and I bitched about somethings for a little bit. And I said I just wanted to go home. He forced me to go to the beach and have dinner. Which was very nice.
I just dont feel myself, And I feel worse off because Ive dragged other people into it. It makes me feel very guilty, very embarrassed, and I feel like people will think ill of me. And especially my ex. I bet hes probs so grateful hes not with me, and im not his problem .

Kanye and Beyonce. I wonder who won?

Wish I was her side kick. Stupid mexican.

hahahaha I remember this episode. Such a freak.

more fash drooling.

Independant woman

" I see when men love woman, they give them but a little of their lives. But woman when they love, give everything"
- Oscar Wilde


Love is fascinating. Like girl vs guy love. I believe ( and ive said it before) that all men are the same (and woman for that matter) but there are some that ruin it for the whole team. Im talking about asshole guys, and stupid bitch girls . The ones who cheat, lie, lead people on, play games etc. You fuckheads. I hate you. And you cause so much damage. Jerks.


I dont believe that fairytale love exisits. Yes, Ive been burned. But also I just think that its a completely unrealistic view on love. Yes it is amazing at the best of times, its also the hardest thing ever. Im not just talking about boy vs girl love right now either. Sibling to sibling. Its hard to see your sibling do something stupid, or you have an arguement or you feel dissapointed by something they do. Likewise for a friend. Its just a known fact that the harder you care, the harder you hurt.

My cousin is currently in New York. Shes been there 6 weeks and has just had the most amazing oppertunities. Working for a world famous photographer, been to exclusive parties, met some awesome people, blah blah living the dream etc. She met someone. And she REALLY likes him. I have never heard her talk about someone like this. And the girl sure has had her fair share of relationships. I actually think shes already in love with this guy. Its so strange. Because she is the type of girl everyone wants to be. Not just looks and oppertunities wise, but independence wise. All girls want that sense of "fuck you nigga, im doing me" attitude and this girl has/had it. She told me over the weekend "I just want my independent boss bitch attitude back" and its funny, because ive been feeling that way ever since I fell. Its something that takes a while to get and a look to lose.
Maybe heaps of girls dont care about it, and they are content with relying on someone else to make them happy, to do things for them, or to do things for. Of course there is an element of that in EVERY girl . EVERY girl. So if your a guy a searching for a girl who 'isnt like the rest' or a girl searching for a guy who 'isnt like the rest' then guess what? You will never complete that search. The things that are annoying about the opposite sex are most likely always going to be there. Im not saying settle for something your not happy with. You will meet that person that makes those annoying things SLIGHTLY bareable because the good outways and there not an asshole like the last person.

I also heard something else this week thats going on in one of my friends lives. And basically her boyfriend is being a REAL assbag to her and I just feel so sorry for her!! Completely helpless. I guess it even hurts/brings back feelings of loss when I hear about what shes going through. I was in the shower last night, and I just thought, Fuck it, where all damaged goods, its just a matter of finding the one that you want to be broken with .

Nothings to big to overcome. God wont give you more then you can handle. Dont let a shitty partner ruin the great things to come!

Leave you with this cutie:
"Promise me, you will always remember: Your braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think"
- Christopher Robin to Pooh.

Been doing heaps of picture posts. There just so fun! I get jelly of tumblrs. I want one, but cant be assed to set one up and learn about them. The whole reposting shit? WHHHAT? My godfather it seems confusing.

I have heaps going on right now! Things I can change, things I cant. One of the most stressful things is not being able to change the situation you are in. Dont get me wrong, I believe there is always a way out, and there is alway growth to be had from difficult situations. Not that its something you look forward too, like- "yes, a hard time! Im going to be awesome after this" no, the light at the end of the tunnel is usually dim.

Anyway, Ive been busy. Deleted my facebook, had a couple of breakdowns, had heaps of fun, and am just chilling right now. Im going to Australia soon (hopefully, this is one of the stresses right now). Blogs laters.

Why cant love be like this? I want to be in love in the fiddys.

Life.

Word.

............

This is too amazing. Im drooling everywhere.