escape your being

Last night I completely struggled. I had a break down. I think Ive had one or two this bad in my lifetime.
I sometimes wonder how I get myself in the situations or states that I do. I wonder what really sets me off. I was in my room. I felt very alone. So alone. I had tried to meet up with two of my best friends that day because for over 24 hours, I just felt used, exhausted, stressed out, un appreciated, pulled in a 1000 different directions, hurt etc. And neither one of my two best friends could meet up with me. I felt super alone. I felt like I could dissapear off this planet and no one would give a fuck. And to be honest, I wanted to dissapear. Not suicide or anything, maybe missing person status. I just didnt want to be known anymore. I should know better then to talk to my ex boyfriend when I get in these moods. Hes super practical, and is pretty straight up. He tells me to stop being dramatic. But then he also says that he dosnt have time for it. And that theres lots of people who love and care for me including him. Of course at the time, the only thing I take from this messege is that he dosnt have time for me. I think when im going through emotional stuff, not to count on a guy. They dont get it. Girls are more sympathetic. I dont even know if I was wanting sympathy. I just found myself on the floor of my room , un able to get up. Today, I feel like it truely is the aftermath. I still feel alone. He did say to me that you sometimes can rely on no one but yourself. Why do I struggle with this so much? I also thought, maybe this is my way of pushing people away. Like appearing like such a crazy person ,that people want to run away. So then I truely am alone. So I can solidify exactly how I am feeling, and that feeling can be justified. Sometimes I wonder if I need therapy. Ive been like this once before, and I actually called my Dad and told him that I think I needed to be taken to the hospital into a physc ward or something. He also said I was being dramatic, but then did the Dad thing, and let me sit there and talk about it for a few hours. He could see I was low on friday night and I bitched about somethings for a little bit. And I said I just wanted to go home. He forced me to go to the beach and have dinner. Which was very nice.
I just dont feel myself, And I feel worse off because Ive dragged other people into it. It makes me feel very guilty, very embarrassed, and I feel like people will think ill of me. And especially my ex. I bet hes probs so grateful hes not with me, and im not his problem .