Not myself tonight...

Or at the moment.
Dunno what im feeling, why im feeling and how im feeling. So fucking sick of feelings. I always thought of myself as a fairly logical thinker/feeler. Being raised by my dad would be the reason for this. I feel somewhere along the way I semi lost this. I want it baaaaaaaaacccccccckkkkk. Its easier if you think its black and white. I think thats where a huge part of my " Boss Bitch " front comes from . Feelings could be simple but when adding dimensions to it, it adds complication. I like simplicity. Feeding the brain sometimes isnt the best thing. Especially if your feeding it junk food. Not speaking in a litieral sense.
Im pretty sure I just spoke about nothing in that paragraph. It has meaning but I cant be assed being specific.
I GUESS, i just think too much feelings go into feelings. And its not only exhausting, I get sick of talking about them, and I get sick of feeling them. "youth is wasted on the young" (Oscar wilde) well "feeling is wasted on feelings" (Me).
At the moment, people prolly dont notice alot of change in me.. For the majority of it, I literally am just talking peoples heads off, usual blab face about stupid shit that dosnt really matter I guess. Silence is a little scary right now. Im kinda scared if im silent, someone will look at my face and see that im not myself. Dont get me wrong, im not like "my lifes over, and its so so so sooooo awful" I really dont think I could ever say those words in relation to my life , theres people that are just so much worse off its sickening and sad to think about, but im almost just completely wanting to hang out by myself. I also had a thought like, I dont know if in so long anyones been like "are you ok, like truely ok? Like how are you ? " in a complete and utter genuine sense. Not just because of the way we are trained in conversation where its as vital as "hello" and "goodbye". I mean, im asking because i actually care and truely wanna know whats going on beyond that face. I feel those questions are kinda hard to come by.
Anyways, wanting to hang out by myself. I really couldnt care if I only spent time with me for the next week. Funnily enough, my agendas full. People wanting to meet up etc. Vee appreciative of the people in my life right now. Gotta good bunch.
Im not SO depressed, dont worry.... Just want alot of quiet time because i dont quite feel myself.
hmmmmmmmmmm........................
Still looking foward to this sat night though. Not so much sunday. toats over hang overs.
I wanna go on a roadtrip. Or just a trip. Bitta temporary relief scenario.

My work is pretty slack with allowing me time off. So i think im going to give a bit of an ultimatium. Im going to be like "Look bitches (Respectfully), Im burning out, Give me time off, Or ill go to the docotors get a certificate and take some stress leave mother fuckers (Respectfully)". See what they say.
Shesh my language is that of a lady. wreakon?
Need a new job, new country, city , anything. Something new and exicitng. Time for change up in this thang.
NY next year though. Should be good times. I hope it happens. Could really do with some time in another country with one of my fav people. Just gotta make it happen. how long for, location , job etc. BOOOOOOOOOY got some work to do.

meh meh meh meh meh Dear motivation, please come and takkkkkkkkkkkkkeeeee oooooovvvvvvverrrr mmmmmmmeeeeeeeeeeeeee. Thanks, Love me.